Well, its been some time, but here I am, coming back to the ol' blog to pour out my feelings.
Anyways, the main reason I haven't been writing in my blog lately is because I am working on two potential books right now. These are my first major writing works, so I'm putting every urge I have to write toward those. They are still in the works though, as one of them is only three chapters in, and the other is only in concept design at the moment.
But it still can't keep my feelings at bay.
For a while I believed that writing these works would numb the pain I feel at still being alone. However, it hasn't done much so far. It seems that, since I can't always write about exactly what I'm feeling, I'm unable to let those feelings out completely, leaving them trapped and bottled up. I've turned to Facebook to vent some of these feelings, but it still hasn't taken away the pain. Especially when it seems nobody cares.
Anyways, my feelings are exactly what I always talk about. The pain of being alone is almost unbearable when coupled with the realization that this world has its values turned inside out. Literally.
One of the biggest themes I notice is the constant ebb and flow of relationships. It never ceases to make me jealous when some girl enters a relationship, because I always think, "I could be so much better..." It seems really selfish and terrible to think that, but the way some guys act, it wouldn't surprise me if I could easily outdo them in a relationship. That is, IF anyone would even stop to get to know me.
It seems, in this ever judgemental world that I get written off all the time. It feels horrible because I know... I would never do some of the horrible things you hear about guys doing in relationships. Cheating, lying, not caring, etc... None of it would be an issue with me. Sure, I probably have my faults, just like everyone else, but I can't help but wonder what most girls would think if they actually saw me for who I am deep down.
Aside from that, I'm also finding girls very hard to trust these days. It seems like they have a tendency to split personalities. The person you know is probably very different from the person their closer friends, significant others, and family knows. Sure, I've probably been putting a little too much confidence in rumors as well, seeing as a lot of what I hear comes in the form of gossip. Though, if even half of it were true, I'm sure many people would be shocked.
Take for instance this example about a girl I work with:
The girl I know: She is an absolutely amazing person. Kind, caring, and sensitive, she always manages to put a smile on my face. You might even go so far to say I have a bit of a crush on her, but lately, I'm not really sure about anything anymore. She's gone and gotten into a relationship that seems quite sudden, and in my opinion, based on appearances and surface personality (one of my biggest pet peeves). Despite this, she has always had an amazing conscience. She always seems to have the right idea about things like smoking, alcohol, sex, and many other things that I consider to be harmful behaviors. She has the same values as I do when it comes to those things.
What a friend told me: The relationship I mentioned earlier prioritizes frequent and aggressive sex. She hangs out around deadbeats, and while she doesn't directly participate in many of the harmful behaviors mentioned earlier, she definitely does not condone them either.
Now, I'm not saying I should just believe blind gossip. That is the quickest path to missing some of the most important people in your life. But it is quite hard to prove any of this wrong, especially since I only know this girl from work. I know little of her outside life. Not only that, but the person I talked to knows her "boyfriend" pretty well, therefore making it easier to validate his story.
Now granted, what she does in her own time is her business, I suppose. But like what has happened before, she was once a source of inspiration for me; an inspiration that helped me to believe that not everyone in this world has a cold heart. I would find it hard to associate myself with her any longer knowing I had been proved wrong about her on yet another occasion. Yes, unfortunately, this is not the first time I have been wrong about her.
Therefore, I'm finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that I may have lost a friend. Now, please don't misunderstand... I would never want to desert a friend because I'm being judgemental. However, I find it difficult to continue a friendship with someone who embodies the very reasons I'm still alone.
Anyways, with that off of my chest...
I plan on doing a lot more writing in the coming weeks. My sadness has reached another peak, and as much as I try to hide it, it is beginning to become noticeable. I need a place to pour out my emotions, and that was the very reason for which this blog was created.
I'm also probably going to branch out a bit to take a look at topics related to, but not directly of, the heart. I'm going to try out some new formats, do some lists, and of course... criticize pop culture. Hopefully you'll enjoy the ride as much as I do (which hopefully is a lot, because I need something to cheer me up).
