The Depths of Sadness

It seems lately, my misery has taken a new turn for the worst. While I am usually sad and alone as it is, for some reason, it has become much more intense lately. I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, and why it has suddenly seemed to cut me so deeply. I've had several people tell me that, even though they knew I was sad, they've never seen it quite this intense. And I've had the same feeling myself.

I use this blog to explore other things about the heart, so why not use it to uncover why my sadness has become so much more pointed as of late? I sat down in a peaceful location with my favorite music, and just thought for a while, taking my thoughts down on paper as I went. They might be a bit scattered, or not as orderly as they usually are, but I think they still helped me understand a lot.

For me, searching for love has been like grasping at smoke. It seems possible at first, it soon becomes clear just how impossible it really is. Every time I've had some possibility within my reach, as soon as I reached out to grab it, it would vanish like smoke.

My heart seemed comparable to the pavement on a road. The cracks in that pavement began to appear after the only person I could ever say I might have loved put more pressure on it than it could stand. And since then, they have only grown. The hope that fills them every now and again is like water. At first, it is wonderful to have something filling them, perhaps even believing that it might one day help mend those cracks. But then, that hope dies, and the water freezes, enlarging the cracks. In doing so, that hope leaves my heart more damaged than before. And so, the cycle continues, and every time I am let down, those rifts grow, paining my heart more and more.

It is because of this vicious cycle that my heart seems to be rejecting new hope. Everyone I talk to wants me to keep some kind of hope. But because I've been let down by that same feeling of hope so many times, I always push it away.

The loneliness is damaging in its own right. It is like the sun beating down on that same patch of road. Not particularly bad at first, but over time, it becomes more and more damaging. As I well know, being apart is not a particularly bad thing. But after a while, not being able to find someone can take its toll.

I probably shouldn't speak like I am entirely alone. There are many whom I have talked to that have sympathized with me, and have given me encouragement. I am very thankful for that, and I appreciate every one of them.

However, there are a few things that I've been hearing that tend to bother me a bit. For instance, I always feel a bit hesitant when they tell me that they know how I feel, or that I should trust that things will get better eventually.

When it comes to knowing how I feel, perhaps they do know a similar level of pain or despair. I'm sure things have happened in their lives, which may have had a similar effect. But, when it comes to knowing exactly how I feel, I'm a bit skeptical. Each person I have heard talk about this has come close to finding true love at least once. They have a reason to keep hoping, because even if their previous relationships failed, they can take hope in the fact that there are people out there that will love them.

As for me, I've never been a part of anything resembling a close relationship. Somehow, I find it harder to believe that they know exactly how I feel, when each of their hearts has felt what its like to be loved by another, and mine has not. I have seen no reason to believe that anyone out there is willing to love me that way. And so, I get to the heart of the issue.

The other thing that I always hear as encouragement, is that my family and friends are all I need, and that I should be more thankful and happy because of them. Now don't get me wrong in all of this, I am extremely happy because of my family, and some of my friends. So, on that count, they are right. I'm probably being a bit selfish by not appreciating them, and letting them contribute to my happiness more.

However, I still think I'm right too. I've come to accept the fact that my heart was made to have a connection with another person, one that goes far beyond friends and family. To me, friends and family are two important pieces to the puzzle, but not the only ones. The rest of the world wants me to believe that those are the only pieces necessary to complete the puzzle, while my heart is telling me that there is still one more piece missing, and that piece just might be the most important one.

I can't help but compare my heart to some of the recent weather. It has been cloudy and cold, with a heavy blanket of fog that would not lift. My heart has gone from being more of an average temperature, to being cold, rainy, and blanketed by uncertainty. It reminds me of the change from early to late fall. If only I could find summer.

I even had someone tell me that they thought I should get over it. That person didn't mean it in a bad way, but was just being brutally honest. Who would want to spend time with a person so depressed, let alone fall for them? And I see her point entirely. I've given it a lot of thought though, and come to several of my own conclusions about it.

First of all, in a situation like this, it is rarely as simple as just getting over it. Especially when one is talking about my biggest hopes and dreams. That's right, you heard me. My biggest dream is to find that one person who completes me. It also seems to me that this sadness that I'm experiencing is showing an important part of who I am. I wouldn't be me if I was able to just brush all of this aside like it didn't matter to me, because it does. More than anything. Moreover, I think that my sensitivity regarding this issue is more proof of how much my heart would value a relationship, should I ever find someone. For me, that set of values is what truly sets me apart from a lot of other people.

For me, one of the main hurdles to finding hope, is the state of relationships today. That can be broken into several parts. First off is getting into a relationship. It seems far too complicated for me. Lets face it, getting into a relationship requires someone else to be attracted to you, as well as you to them. Then, you have to be ever so cautious as to not move too fast, or too slow. Your moves all have to be timed just right. And just bringing up the topic to someone you like is difficult enough. I've been told several times that the best way to meet people is to let go of my shyness and just go all out. But I feel like doing that would be the wrong course of action. My shyness is a part of me. Sure, it hampers me at times, but it is an important part of who I am, and it makes those people that I do meet and make friends with all that much more special. Not to mention, doing so would paint a very false picture of who I really am.

Just finding anyone able to love me for who I am is a challenge. Most of those that I've seen with good hearts are already in a relationship. To top it off, that relationship is usually a bad one (though there are plenty of exceptions). Can I really say that a person has a good heart if they are in a bad relationship? I suppose it is possible, but I would expect someone like that to know better, and to be able to see the difference between a person with a good heart, and one with a bad heart. But perhaps that is setting my expectations too high.

And even staying in a relationship can be incredibly tough. I know because I've read about a lot of different relationships lately, and there is usually something that sticks out that would really worry me if it occurred in my relationship. So is it possible to find a happy relationship at all? I would like to believe so, but even if it is possible, would it even be possible to find someone who is able to respect that relationship? I know that nobody is perfect, but sometimes I wonder if there are any people out there who actually value a relationship as highly as I would.

All in all, I feel as though I've been sinking into the depths of my sadness more and more recently. Every day becomes more and more of a challenge to stay positive. I hide my sadness well, but I wonder how long I can continue to do so. I'm always told there is a plan, but I can't help but feel that I may be left out of that plan. Or perhaps it is my destiny to remain alone? Whatever the case, moving forward with a heart that seems to be made to connect with another heart never gets easier. The sadness seems like it is everywhere, always finding ways to seep into my mind. I find things that remind me of my aloneness everywhere.

In the end, I suppose there is some flame of hope left somewhere inside me. But it is burning out very quickly. I'm not really sure what I'll do then. But one thing is certain. My heart, however sad, still guides me.

Fateful Encounters

I was talking with a friend of mine today, and after trying to cheer me up for a bit, she said something that would spark a bit of a friendly debate between the two of us. She told me to wait and when a girl walked by that made my heart skip a beat, to go and talk to her.

Now, despite how obviously great that sounds, I decided that it wasn't something I could really do. Call me a wuss, or whatever you like, but it just isn't normal. I mean, lets face it... how many people just randomly talk to somebody like that? And I'm not counting bars and other "dating scenes" in this.

Yes, I'll admit. I probably have some deep-rooted self confidence issues that go along with this, including a fear of rejection and awkwardness. However, as the friendly debate continued, my friend mentioned something about how "all love stories begin that way!" To which, I asked: "Which ones?" Frankly, I don't know of a single (famous) love story that began that way. Sure, there might be some out there that I'm missing, but I can't say I remember a single one.

She referenced the love story in the relatively recent movie The Vow, but I have to admit that I remember no such part of the story, even though I did actually see the movie. Obviously, I was even more perplexed at her suggestion because of this. Do people actually meet that way? I was always under the impression that walking up to a completely random person and starting a conversation was a bit... obvious. I mean, what other reason would anybody have for talking to someone out of the blue like that?

Before you jump all over me for saying that, let me elaborate just a bit. As I was discussing this, I was thinking about how what I refer to as "fateful encounters" work. That is simply when two people meet because of a common denominator between the two of them. It can be as simple as two people taking a class together, or someone helping another person pick up something they dropped. Or it can be more complex than that. But in the end, it still involves two people meeting because of a common reason to talk to one another, or perhaps even get to know one another more. And no, for those of you with a dirty mind. This has nothing to do with anything sexual. AT ALL.

This is what I believed to be the most common method of meeting other people. Whether by accident or sheer coincidence, these meetings seem to have the most meaning to people. I guess it just seems to me like walking up to somebody and randomly starting a conversation without any reason other than trying to find someone to be in a relationship with seems a bit obvious, and rather desperate.

I'm not trying to say that I'm not desperate, but I simply refuse to show it. I will not make it obvious by any means, and will not use it as a motivator in any way. So, can you really claim that I'm desperate when it never shows, and I never do anything based upon it? Probably not.

More to the point, I've been convinced for a while that one of the main reasons I am still alone is that I don't seem to have many fateful encounters with people. It is like a curse or something. It just doesn't happen to me. And to me, that is a big issue. Like I mentioned before, I'm not the type to just walk up to somebody and start a conversation for no reason other than thinking the other person is attractive.

Whenever I mention this, I keep thinking about what I know as the "bar scene," which is considered by many as a major place to meet people. And it is kinda funny to me how most people meet others there. That is, by doing just what I just mentioned: walking up to somebody and striking up a conversation for almost no reason at all. For me however, this doesn't count.

As I've mentioned before, I'm not a "bar scene" type. I don't drink at all, and I can't help but believe that many of the people that one would meet at a bar or club would be people who are much more interested in alcohol than myself. Not to mention the fact that their boldness in these situations might be, at least in part, attributed to the alcohol. Like I said, that isn't my thing.

When the conversation I mentioned at the beginning of this post took place, I was at school. It seems like it might be a good place to meet people, if it weren't for the fact that most people there seem rather antisocial. I suppose that could be because they are there to learn, and not to socialize, but that is still a bit depressing. College is definitely a nice place, but that is one thing that I haven't really been able to figure out about it. Are college students only interested in being social at clubs and stuff? Or is there something that I'm missing? Anyways, for those that know me, I'm sure some of you are rolling your eyes and considering telling me that the whole "antisocial" thing is because of where I go to school. And before you do so, just know that I will not listen. As much as you might like to believe that your school is better when it comes to stuff like this, I honestly don't care. Everybody wants to think like that, and I'm not going to debate something so pointless and off-topic like whose school is better. Lets face it, everyone wants to think their school is better than everywhere else, and I don't really want to hear it.

That said, I can't help but believe the antisocial aspect of it all might also be attributed to my overall invisibility. I know I've mentioned this in several of my previous blog posts, but when it comes to standing out of the crowd, I just seem to blend in. It can be both a gift and a curse in that I don't attract people who are in it just for looks. However, it also conceals me from those who are looking for more than that. The unfortunate part here is that, while I might not stand out visually, I know I would stand out if people were looking for someone with a good heart. However, people don't seem to be able to look any deeper than the surface these days, one of the things that really has me feeling more and more hopeless as time goes on.

Back to the whole "fateful encounters" thing, I still believe I am cursed or something. They just don't happen to me. And no matter what some people will say about how I shouldn't be so shy, I still think being more aggressive would paint the wrong picture to somebody else. I'm not the type of person to do something like that, so wouldn't that be a bit... off for me to do it all of a sudden? And it would probably seem that much more desperate as well.

From what I've seen, some of the best friendships and relationships are formed through these fateful encounters, rather than deliberate and forced meetings. To me, these just seem unnatural and forced. I know I would be rather skeptical if anybody walked up to me and randomly started a conversation with me.

In the meantime, I'll do what I always do. That is, sit back and observe as I usually do. And thank you to everyone for listening to this rather unorganized rant of mine.

The Fine Line

I originally planned to have this post out much earlier, however due to repeatedly being called into work and being assigned extra schoolwork, I have been unable to get this post out sooner. I hope anyone reading it enjoys it anyways.

So, just the other day, I was talking with a friend of mine. She was searching through a popular questions site, and had come across an interesting query. In it, the asker had said that the girl he is currently in a relationship with had grown fat. When the two had first met, she had been in excellent shape, and had been committed to staying in shape. But she had seemingly grown less interested in staying in shape as the relationship had gone on, and had consequentially gained a lot of weight. The guy went on to say that he no longer found her physically attractive because of this. He had mentioned it to her several times, trying his best to keep for actually calling her fat, but even talking hadn't really worked. She would tell him how much she wanted to be in shape, but would never commit to doing anything to actually get back in shape. She would brush off his efforts to get her to go on a run, or go to the gym with him. The poor guy was confused and had no idea what to do, and was just looking for some help. He felt bad about wanting to break up with her just for her looks, but couldn't dismiss the fact that he no longer found her attractive.

This story reminded me of a post on Facebook that I saw a long time ago. It was a picture taken from another questions site that contained an interaction of a similar type, only shorter. In it, the guy asking the question simply stated that his girlfriend had become fat, and he wasn't sure what to do about it.

The biggest thing that stood out to me about this was the first (and highest rated) answer. It said something to the degree of: "She should go and find a guy who isn't such a jack***."

Like many of my other posts similar to this one, the response listed above seems like a reasonable one. That is, until you actually take a second to think about it.

This particular situation is far more common in relationships than most people realize. It probably has an official name, but I can't think of it, and I'm not going to look it up. For now, I'll just call it the "settled syndrome." (And my apologies if that is an actual syndrome that I'm stealing the name from.) It all begins when a person is single. When that person is out looking for a relationship, they hold their looks in the highest regard, because lets face it... looks do tend to attract attention. And those who have good looks are more likely to find other people interested in a relationship. However, once they do end up finding a relationship, they begin to think about their looks less and less as the relationship goes on. Essentially, they get comfortable in the relationship, to the point where they no longer care about how they look, and as a result, their physical appearance ends up changing over time in a negative way.

Now, lets look at the obvious part of this. Someone who truly loves another person won't care that much about looks. It is something I have been preaching since the start of this blog, and I will continue to do so for as long as I continue to write. The heart tells you that looks shouldn't matter.

But lets face it, looks still play a part in relationships. I know it, because thinking forward, I would want the person I'm in a relationship with to be attractive to me. Now, I don't mean that the person has to be really physically attractive for this to occur. You see, the first girl I could probably say I loved didn't stand out physically. But as I grew more attached to her, my heart made her incredibly beautiful in my eyes. The same is true in most relationships. You don't have to be the best looking person in the world, but if someone truly loves you, they will pick out the things that attract them to you, and bring those features to the forefront in their mind and heart.

The trouble comes when those things change. When a person stops caring about his or her looks, often times, those small things that the other person once thought made them attractive tend to fade as well. And once that happens, it can be difficult for even the kindest and most loving hearts to recover.

While looks shouldn't be the biggest factor in a relationship, they are still an important one. As I said before, a person shouldn't have to be really great looking to have a good relationship. However, once they enter a relationship, they should want to maintain the looks they had going into the relationship. A person who stops caring about being attractive to their partner has already let the relationship go out the window.
To simplify, a person in a relationship shouldn't have to look their best all the time, because their partner should be able to accept this and should even be able to pick out the things that make them beautiful, even though they aren't necessarily looking their best at that moment. At the same time, nobody should have to tolerate a partner who doesn't even care to look their best some of the time. And a person who goes into a relationship looking their best most of the time, and comes out looking their worst all of the time, obviously decided not to care anymore.
Any person in a relationship should want to be able to impress their partner with his or her looks every once and a while, or should at least make their best effort at times. Because anything less shows that someone doesn't care anymore.

Unfortunately, the first instinct by people (girls especially) when answering these questions is to slam the guy asking the question for being too judgemental based on his girlfriend's appearance. But if these people answering would just take a second and put themselves in the shoes of the guy who asked, I think their answers would be much different. I'm pretty sure most girls wouldn't like to begin a relationship with a guy whom they found attractive, only to have him let himself go once he was comfortable with the relationship.

Lets also remember that fat is not usually attractive to people. Sure, a little bit isn't a big deal at all, and it shouldn't be. But a beer gut and beyond is not usually attractive to someone who began the relationship with a person who was fit at the time.

In addition, every person has a set of standards that they hold themselves to. Any person entering a relationship is going to be held to the standards they had going in. It will almost always be perceived negatively when those standards drop during the relationship. Whether people know it or not, that set of standards is a large factor in the attraction between two people in a relationship. If one person holds much lower standards, it can be hard for another person with higher standards to respect them.

I know this, because I'm the type of person that values fitness in a partner. It is something that is toward the top of my list of things I am looking for. This particular dilemma stands out to me, because I know that I would be upset if a person I was in a relationship with decided to let themselves to to the point where I no longer found them physically attractive. That would bother me to no end, because I would hold that person to the standards they had coming into the relationship.

To top it all off, the guy who asked the question that I referenced at the beginning of this post also talked about how it bothered him that his girlfriend made no effort to get in shape, even though she knew it bothered him that she wasn't. That right there is the clincher. A person shouldn't have to change their appearance to make someone love them, but at the same time, they shouldn't allow their appearance to degrade from where it was when the relationship began (aside from things that can't be helped such as aging, physical injuries, etc.). Because let's face it, it is totally unfair for a person to accuse another of being too focused on appearance, when the person whose appearance they are focused on has changed dramatically for the worse, and said person wants nothing to do with changing it back. That is just a losing situation for all involved.

I should also point out that I do not want it to seem like I am focusing entirely on women. Men do the exact same thing. (Remember the "beer gut" reference from earlier?) There is, unfortunately a lot of bias here, because many of the similar questions being asked on the Internet are posted by guys, and many of the quick (and bad) responses are being posted by girls. But I will not say that this same thing doesn't happen with guys too. And everything I have said so far applies in those situations too.

In conclusion, there are many things that should be valued above looks in relationships. However, this isn't about looks. It is about the standards that are held by people, and the importance of keeping those standards where they were when the relationship began. Because, when those self-standards are lowered, nothing but trouble can come of it for both people involved. You will be held to your own standards in a relationship, and changing those can have drastic effects on the other person.

Relationships are not about looks. However, there is a fine line between caring about looks, and caring about standards.

Hidden Gems

I had just gotten home tonight, and had logged onto Facebook, when I noticed an interesting post. A girl I know distantly had posted a picture of a small piece of paper one of her co-workers had written to her. It read "My friend in the red shirt thinks you are attractive. He is shy. Call him maybe?" Then, it listed his name and number. Now, aside from the obvious (and rather cheesy) "Call me maybe" reference, this is a rather cute surprise. One that I would die to have happen to me. Of course, that stuff never does... Anyways, enough about me. What could anyone possibly find wrong with this?

Leave it to jerks on Facebook to come up with the answer. Shortly after the picture was posted, a guy posted what seemed like a reasonable and intriguing answer. He said: "Boo. If a guy wants you in his world, he will make it happen. It took his friend to leave the number. No brainer. No call."

Seems like a pretty reasonable answer doesn't it? Well, it only seems this way to those who don't understand what shyness is, and how it factors into situations like these. You see, while this statement makes sense at first, you have to take it into context to really see where it goes wrong. As usual, I'll break it down for you.

First of all, since when did this become about a guy wanting a girl in his world? Last I checked, this was more about a potential future relationship, not an instant one. Besides, since when does a phone call make her "in his world?" This whole statement is hypocritical from the get-go. (Not to mention the "Boo" part.) Lets face it. This is probably a poor guy who, like me, isn't fond of throwing himself at girls. He is probably just wishing some girl would have a good enough heart to give him a chance. Unfortunately, thanks to this jerk's post (and the "like" it was given by the girl the note was written to), he will probably be shunned yet again. Overall, it is extremely unfair to talk about how a guy will make things happen if he wants a girl in his world, because that is a statement best applied to those already in a relationship. Not to mention its applications to girls who are in love with a guy who gives them nothing in return. To take such a statement, and use it to talk about how a girl shouldn't give a guy a chance is extremely stupid and arrogant.

Second, the "It took his friend to leave the number" part. Where to begin here... This, to me, just sounds like an insult. It is an insult directed at this shy fellow, who probably didn't even ask for this to happen in the first place. Anyone who has been around their friends for long enough knows how this goes. You mention to one of them that you think somebody is cute. Then, they try to use every excuse to embarrass you. It is all in good fun, and they are usually hoping that the two end up together because of their antics. So, more than likely, this guy had no control over the situation. Yes, there is the possibility that he asked his friends to do this, but even I can sympathize with him in that situation. Sure, it isn't the most "manly" thing to do, but it is nothing to be ashamed of either. Not every guy likes to go around everywhere shoving his number in attractive girls' faces like it's nothing. For some, pursuit of a girl is a unique and rare experience. One that takes time and interest to warm up to. And in those cases, the guy is much less likely to walk up and use some cheesy pick-up lines, then dump his number on a girl. How romantic is that? Not very. While the secretive message isn't much better, it still has an air of mystery and intrigue to it. So c'mon... give the guy some credit.

Third, whats with the "No brainer" thing? As if being an aggressive jerk is the only way to play things in (or before) a relationship? C'mon... since when are all guys supposed to be the same? Ok, not all guys who give out their number to girls are aggressive jerks, but some of them are. So what's wrong with being different? Why can't someone step outside the norm every now and again? It certainly keeps things interesting. While most of this was probably orchestrated by this guy's friends, you can still give him some credit for playing things differently. Most importantly, not being the guy who jumps at appearances and decides to put everything on the line for a girl he only knows at a glance. Kinda puts the whole "If he wants her in his life" quote from earlier in perspective and makes it sound foolish huh?

Fourth and finally, the "No call" bit. Frankly, this is the worst part of this whole thing. The posting loser thinks that, because of the nonsense he spewed earlier in the post, that he has somehow proved a point, and that the girl shouldn't even give this guy a chance. Remember, SHE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT HIM, save for the fact that he is shy. What exactly does that prove? Does being shy make him a bad person that deserves to be avoided? Hell no. It just makes him DIFFERENT. So what the poster is implying is that, despite the fact that she knows nothing about this guy, other than the fact that he is shy, she should ignore him because he didn't bring his number to her in person. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that the guy is perfect because he is shy. Shyness doesn't necessarily mean that he'll be a great person deep down. But it can hide gems sometimes. And the person that doesn't take a look to find out could be the one missing out on the find of a lifetime.

Okay, I might have overdone it this time. But I couldn't help but feel a deep-seated anger after reading that post, and seeing the girl agree with such worthless relationship advice. How can anyone advocate for missing out on a potential gem? Thanks to that post, my appetite has been lost for the entire evening. I hope that the jerk who posted that advice is happy. Someone he has never met lost his dinner over how dumb his post was. And to the girl that decided to take (or at least "like") his advice, I weep for you too. Following the advice of fools like this will most likely have you in a relationship with an overly assertive type of guy. I'm not saying that such a trait is bad, but it can be in some situations. Especially since guys who are confident enough to hand you their number in person have likely done the same thing with a large number of other women. How does THAT make you feel? And finally, my heart goes out to the poor guy who was rejected because some jerk painted him as a loser because he was shy. Nothing is wrong with being shy. It is a personality trait that I admire, because any time that shyness is broken is a gift to the person who broke it. It makes a person that much more special to the ones who are willing to look past the shy exterior, and to the heart within.
In addition, to all of the readers out there... If you ever get relationship advice like this, don't forget to check with your heart first. The best advice anyone can give is to just be yourself, whether your heart is worn on your sleeve, or locked away for someone special to find.