The Endeavor #3

I don’t think I've mentioned too much about the other aspect of my “endeavor.”

It’s actually quite simple. This journey I have set myself on has two main goals.

You already know the first well. I am trying to find that other piece of myself. That is, the person who truly completes me.

The second is to better myself.

There are a lot of different ways to better oneself. You can eat healthier, get fit, learn a new language, etc. The possibilities are endless. I want to focus on getting in shape first.

It isn't like I’m out of shape or anything. Though, I can probably attribute that to my wonderful high-end metabolism. Without it, I would probably be little more than a blob of fat by now. Especially after the long and harsh winter that Michigan has gone through this year. I've been cooped up indoors with few options to get rid of excess energy.

Now yes, I realize there are plenty of ways to exercise indoors. And to be honest, none of them ever really appealed to me. Sure, I could lift weights… but I have a hard time staying focused on training regimens based on weights alone. Sure, I could run on a treadmill, but what would running be without the wind in your face and the sun setting in the distance?

It sounds like a lot of excuses, I know. But indoor training programs have always eluded me. Give me a basketball or soccer ball, and the great outdoors, and I will run myself into the ground.

Anyways, the warm weather finally returned this week! And yes, I did get the opportunity to get outside and begin my long-awaited training program.

It was an interesting affair for sure. To begin, I decided to get out and see where I was at physically. There is nothing like some stamina and jump-training, which is easy enough if you have a basketball and hoop. After my usual training grounds from last year turned out to be in use by another group of people, I headed down to the main riverside park in my town. There, I found the court empty and unused.

After simply running through a few standard drills, I was exhausted. My stamina definitely needs more work than I knew. Every section of the muscles in my legs used for jumping and changing direction (I’m not even going to try to name them) was on fire.

It was then that a younger kid from a group of people who were visiting the park at the time took an interest in what I was doing. It was strange how I was able to read his interest so easily, even from a number of feet away. I was sure to throw in some extra flashy moves when he was looking. I know, I can be a bit of a showoff at times, but hey.

Anyways, he eventually made his way over to the court and sat on one of the benches off to the side. He pretended to be engrossed in his phone, but I could see him keeping an eye on me from around the edges of the phone. He was obviously someone who enjoyed the sport greatly.

After a while, I got tired. So, while I went to cool off a bit, stretch, and drink water, I asked him if he wanted to shoot a bit. His face lit up. It was a great feeling. The two of us spent the next hour or so taking turns shooting. Not much was said outside of some congratulations on made shots, and encouragement on missed ones.

Honestly, it was quite surreal. It was just a connection between two people who love to play the game. Ages didn't matter. Skill didn't matter. Hometowns didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was the love of the game. It took me back to when I played soccer in high school.

Eventually, he had to leave with his parents and younger siblings. I could see his parents flashing me a few thankful smiles as they left. Just as he left, I realized that I hadn't even gotten his name…

I knew next to nothing about him. I didn't know his name. I didn't know where he lived. I didn't know if he even played basketball much. All I knew was his love for the game of basketball. And that is all that really mattered.

Afterwards, I finished up what was left of my main workout, but was pretty burned out by that point. I did some free throw drills and was getting ready to leave when some other kids showed up. Unlike the other one, these kids were a bit older, probably juniors or seniors in high school. They also didn't seem to care for me taking up one side of the court. Either that or they just didn't have time to care that I was around. It would be safe to assume that I didn't invite them to shoot with me. They just seemed to me like your average jocks.

I finished up my workout and left, offering only a “good luck” for parting words.

Needless to say, I was a bit intrigued by the experience. I have always been a rather shy person when it comes to sharing my workouts with others. So far, I have only done so with family members and close friends; never with a stranger. But something connected between the two of us. That is, the love of the game. It was sharply contrasted by the two jocks who came later, who wanted nothing to do with me. Maybe it was because they had their own ball, but I still think a lot of it had to do with the difference in personalities between people.

Ultimately, I have to commend the younger kid for being brave. I wouldn't have gone over to a court with a total stranger and asked in every manner but with words if I could join him. It takes a real love of the game to do that. And I truly enjoyed his company.

I am writing this two days later, and honestly, I don’t think I have ever been this sore. It hurts just to walk, and climbing stairs is met with some excruciating pain. I would say I accomplished my goal of getting a good workout and then some. I just have to wait for the muscle tissue to repair itself, and it is off to do it all over again. In the meantime, I should probably find some time to implement core workouts as well. Leg and lower-body workouts are all fine, but I need some upper-body strength to go along with it.

Core workouts have always been the bane of my workout routines. I just hate them. They tend to be incredibly boring and it tends to take forever to start seeing results. I’m rarely successful with them. This time might be different though. I have a vision in mind that I should be able to use to motivate me.

You see, lately, I have been having this daydream… if I ever meet the girl of my dreams, I want to be able to pick her up and twirl her around, the same way they often do in the movies. I’m not sure exactly where I got that image from. Maybe it is from the innumerable times I have had to watch Frozen at my workplace, with it being on repeat on the TV’s and all. Whatever the case, I doubt I would be strong enough to lift much of anything with any substantial weight right now, much less another human being.

It will take a lot of training to get to that point, but it is certainly something I can strive towards.

The Endeavor #2

If I remember correctly, last time, I simply talked about which dating sites I was considering using, and why I chose the way I did. Getting back to following up on that, I should talk about a few of the major things I encountered when I first got started.

First of all, you’ll never know how difficult it was for me to give away any sort of personal information outside of my name and e-mail address. I suppose it is from all of these years of practicing internet safety, but it was really difficult. Despite that, I did finally manage to force myself to do it. Once I finally put in all of the information it was asking me for, I needed to upload a picture to my profile. I finally managed to choose a good one that came from a photo shoot a few years back. Still, up until this point, I guess I never really realized how few decent pictures of myself I actually have.

For those that never read some of my previous blog posts (I believe I've mentioned it several times), I am notoriously unphotogenic. Basically, I look horrible in all of the pictures taken of me, unless they are done and edited by a photographer. Now, that doesn't mean that I think I’m bad looking or anything. I just look terrible in pictures. I’m not sure… it’s like, whenever a camera is around, I always find a way to look my worst. Even worse, is the fact that I’m going to need more than just one picture in order to actually make my profile worth looking at. Not to mention, multiple pictures add to the credibility of any profile. I mean, it makes it a lot less likely that you’re a scammer or something when you have multiple pictures of yourself in various situations uploaded to your profile.

And yes, a lot of these are things that the website itself told me. But I can definitely understand what it is saying and why.

Of course, it also asked me for all kinds of additional personal info. It also gave me a series of questions to answer about myself. There were certainly more than a few of them too. It was actually really entertaining going through and answering as many of them as I could. They certainly asked some rather deep questions about relationships and my opinions on various matters pertaining to them. If only I had a list of those questions, I could probably go through all of them on here… though that might be a bit much.

Returning to the present, I should mention that they have made several changes since I originally joined the website. This included streamlining the interface, and changing/adding several features. I would say the most important section is the “settings” panel. On it, you can adjust several different settings relating to your matches, or who gets matched with you. I figure I’ll cover each of them in more detail as they pertain to me in upcoming posts. The general setting feature simply dictates how matches appear, and whether they appear at all.

Of course, there are a lot of other features besides the settings pertaining to your matches. Various tools let you view matches in general, or edit your profile. They also offer several other services and articles relating to online dating and dating advice. I’ll have to check those out at a future date.

I should probably take this opportunity to mention that I am not actually subscribed to the online dating service at this time. So I can’t communicate with other people via the website. I can’t look at other profiles either. This is a bit of a drag, but I want to be sure I’m ready before beginning to pay money in order to use the service. I also want my profile to be ready, depicting the most accurate representation of me as possible.

In addition to wanting my profile to look its best before broadcasting it to the world, I also want to feel as though I’m ready. There is no going back for me now though. I already have one foot in the water. I just need to feel like I’m ready to take the final step. This is a bit more difficult than some might imagine. There is a lot on my mind, and a lot that worries me. I think, most of all, I’m afraid of being judged. I know I shouldn’t be so worried about it, but I can’t help it. Maybe it is just human nature.

In any case, my journey is only just beginning…

The Endeavor #1

Ok, so my journey has just barely begun, and already I am overwhelmed with too many things to write about. This particular post will be about many of the things that have already occurred. Many of them are not recent.

I suppose you could technically say that I began this journey about a year ago when I created my online dating profile. For the sake of honesty, I can’t claim that I've been on this journey for that long. When I actually started it, it was really only a halfhearted thing, not really meant to be taken seriously. I was curious about what these sites had to offer, so I needed to sign up for one and create a profile. I’ll admit, I was hoping to break down how they determined compatibility between people based on the questions they asked. I did discover a few things, but many of them slip my mind because of how long ago this was.

Before all of that, I needed to decide on one dating site to use.

This was not nearly as much of a challenge as it might seem at first. I broke down the sites based on a lot of different criteria. However, I primarily wanted to use a website that focused on quality, not quantity. Anyone can throw together a website that pairs single people with other single people. It isn't that difficult. However, there are a lot of different variables that determine whether or not any subsequent dates will be worth each persons’ time, or will be a waste of time. That is where the whole “compatibility” aspect comes in.

I looked at a bunch of free dating sites first. Websites like PlentyOfFish seemed like I viable option at first. However, after looking into them a little bit, I realized how hopeless that would be. First of all, without the income from subscriptions, these websites obviously couldn't afford to design any sort of decent compatibility algorithms. So essentially, they were mostly just mediums for people to meet one another. Not bad in that aspect, but not quite what I was looking for.

After reading some reviews about them, I also realized that many of the people on these websites suffered from certain forms of delusion. Basically, the people looking to be matched by these websites were INCREDIBLY picky about who they would even consider being paired with. If you looked like anything less than a god or goddess, you would probably be ignored by the majority of the community on these sites.

Also, being free sites, anyone could join without reason. Based on the way that the internet works, this hardly makes for a healthy community. It didn't take me long to deduce that these sites were probably filled with all sorts of spambots and trolls. That isn't mentioning the security aspect. The risk of being trapped by a “catfish,” or someone who lies about who they are on the internet in order to trick someone else into a false relationship, was just too great. And yes, these people do exist. I've discovered them before. They do this for all kinds of reasons. Some of them do it looking to scam money. Others do it in order to obtain some form of good feeling about themselves. Still others do it just because it is fun. No matter what way you look at it, it is incredibly reprehensible. And unfortunately, because they have to pay nothing in order to access these sites, they tend to be everywhere.

Needless to say, the free sites are out of the question.

So, I decided to take a look at the subscription-based sites. There are certainly plenty of them out there. You have Match.com, Eharmony, and ChristianMingle.com... I could go on with the list for a while. I ruled out Match.com almost right away. They are a good site, don’t get me wrong. I was simply looking for one that favored the quality of your matches over the quantity of matches (or dates). And while the prospect of having the biggest user base of any site out there was definitely intriguing, I ultimately ended up deciding against it.

I also looked at ChristianMingle.com as a potential site to use. It would seem like a good match, as I am a devout Christian myself, and I would really prefer to be matched with someone of my faith. However, I ultimately decided that it wasn't one-hundred percent necessary that the other person share my exact faith. I would definitely consider someone of a different faith, or no faith at all, as long as they were able to respect and understand my faith and why I am a part of it, and why other people are as well. I was also unable to get a good reading on how big the user base actually was. This did worry me a little bit, as I didn't want to be matched with just a few people and have that be the end of it. And keep in mind, this was before they began their aggressive advertising campaign, so it was probably even smaller back then. I did decide to keep it in mind as a second option, however, in case my final decision ended up falling through.

I took a look at several dating sites and apps on Facebook as well. However, none of these got good reviews, and would all want access to all of your personal information on Facebook and such. I even got word that several of them had the tendency to access your account and post random stuff once they got access to your information. So sites like Zoosk were definitely out.

In case you don’t have it figured out yet, I eventually ended up choosing Eharmony.com as the site that I will be using for this undertaking. It just seemed like the right combination of a large user base, many different customizable options to determine who you are matched with, and that focus on quality over quantity that I mentioned before. So, it is here that my journey will begin.

On a side note, I have to admit that it is rather awkward to be talking about choosing dating sites. For whatever reason, this often feels to me like something deeply personal. And perhaps it is. It just feels rather difficult to talk about. Hopefully I’ll have even more insight as to why eventually.

The Endeavor Prologue

So, where to begin…? It has certainly been a while since I last used this blog. And I've had my reasons – mostly a lack of inspiration – that have made it rather difficult to continue posting on a regular basis. However, recent events have brought back a little of my original inspiration, and I've decided to release a new series of posts on here based on my experiences.

For those of you who have been with me for a while, I should probably throw out there that my situation has not changed one bit. I thought by now it might have, but you needn't worry. I’m still essentially in the same place I was over a year ago when I last posted in this blog. I've certainly been through my usual share of ups and downs. I gain hope, and then I lose it just as quickly.

That is the main reason I have decided to launch this new series in order to coincide with the effort that I will be undertaking over the next few months

.

Basically, these next several posts will cover what I will refer to as my “last chance” or “last effort” at finding what I’m looking for. Now, I know that if I don’t find it here, it isn't necessarily my last chance at finding love. However, based on the dream I always had about it, which I will cover in more detail later, this might very well be my last chance to find what I’m looking for without having to let go of my original dream and find a new one. And aside from that, if I don’t find it here, I doubt I will make another concerted effort at finding something. I’m simply tired of searching and coming up empty all the time, so I refuse to continue making an effort when all I get for it is pain. If after this I am still all alone, I will have to simply let go and allow fate to take over. If I find something after this, it will be entirely by chance, and not based on a huge amount of effort on my own part.

With that said, I feel comfortable diving into the real gist of what I’ll be trying to do.

Essentially, I am going to make one last attempt to search the world, using all the resources I can find, to see if I can find my heart’s other half. I’m searching for that love that has so eluded me for the entirety of my life.

I decided to chronicle that journey with the use of this blog. That was its original purpose anyway; to chronicle my journey through life, and my search for love. Besides, a blog name like “Notions of the Heart” is far too original and amazing to let it go to waste. Either way, I decided that this particular journey might be one of the most interesting I've had to date, so I figured it might be worth saving and sharing.

While I have yet to decide on an exact timeline for this particular endeavor, I figured that the warm weather presents a great guideline. Basically, with spring on its way in, my hope has been strengthened just a bit. If I don’t find what I’m looking for by next winter, I’ll probably have given up hope by then anyways. And if I won’t have lost hope by then, it probably won’t take long for the cold and dark days and overall dreary feeling to suck what is left of that hope away. I figure that winter is probably an appropriate deadline.

The real question in all of this is: how exactly will I be doing all of this? Essentially, I will be utilizing every tool at my disposal, including many I have not tried before for various reasons. In addition, I will be focusing on improving several aspects of myself, which will hopefully help to fuel my confidence and keep that hope alive for as long as I need it to be.

First, I will be attempting something that I have always thought about, but never had the courage to attempt for various reasons. That is… Online dating. Yes, you read that right. I might have released a post about my feelings about online dating a while back. Even if I didn't, I will give a short rundown as to why I've never tried this before. Basically, the concept of it frightened me. There are so many unknowns when it comes to online dating, not to mention several aspects that, in my own personal opinion, take more courage than standard dating. I’ll get to those later. However, the main reason I avoided it was because I was caught up in the stigma that it was a last-ditch method. I thought it was for people who couldn't find love any other way. And I didn't want to be one of those people that needed help to find what I was looking for.

My opinions from before have become more and more laughable by the day. Not necessarily because they were untrue, but because I fall perfectly into the category of people that I always stereotyped as the group that needed so much help to find love. I avoided it because I was afraid of what it might mean for me if I decided to use it. What I failed to realize was that I was exactly the type of person for whom these systems have been created, and that continues to sustain these systems until this very day. Is there anything wrong with that? I used to believe that there might be, but as I continue to think about it more and more, I am realizing that there truly isn't.

Are there not plenty of people out there in my situation? It seems as though their hearts are created to love that of another, but they remain invisible. Perhaps having a system in place to facilitate connections between these people isn't so bad after all. Even more intriguing, is the fact that many of these systems, such as the one I will be using, attempt to match people up based on certain other dimensions of compatibility. This is incredibly valuable in cutting time wasted on people who ultimately do not share certain aspects of personality that make them compatible with another person.

Either way, I continue to have various hesitations about this whole online thing. There are too many to list and detail here, so hopefully I will be able to tackle them one at a time in later posts. But I figure that it is important to point out that I am still a bit wary of all this, though I am finally of the opinion that it is potentially worth the risk.

In addition, my mind keeps asking myself one question in particular: What if I already know the person that I am supposed to end up with? I mean, I am taking that quite liberally. Is there really any one person that I am “supposed” to end up with? I often believe so, but it can be very difficult to say for sure. What would happen if this whole endeavor ends up chasing away someone who really does care for me? I can think of several people who might be in that category, although none of them have shown any obvious signs that they would potentially think of me as anything more than a friend. Then again, who knows? It is certainly eating me up inside wondering about this.

In the end though, I figure that I should keep a record of what could be the most important undertaking in my entire life. And even though some of it might seem rather commonplace and ordinary for some people, it is not to me. Each person’s life journey is unique in many ways, particularly in the way that they perceive it. So, like I said, I will be chronicling this endeavor with the help of this blog. Hopefully everyone can enjoy my journey along with me, and can take something away from it. And hopefully, as usual, writing about it will help me to better understand myself.