Reason #1: The Ex Factor Part One

I was lying in bed last night brainstorming more ideas for this series. I was trying to figure out which of my many ideas I would tackle first. It was incredibly late, and I didn't have much motivation to keep thinking. So, as typical, I took a break from thinking and pulled out my phone to give one more look over Facebook before going to sleep.

I found this article: http://thoughtcatalog.com/kelsey-hau/2014/10/why-i-hope-my-ex-was-a-once-in-a-lifetime-kind-of-love/

Before you click the link and read it, let me explain a few things first. It was "liked" on Facebook by the girl who will be discussed much further in my Endeavor series. Now, I'm no Facebook stalker. Sure, I like to check out the profiles of people who I am close to every now and again, but I rarely if ever go so in-depth as to look at individual liked pages and posts. This one showed up dead center on my news feed. And I couldn't help but click on it out of pure curiosity. I mean, who wouldn't be curious about that particular title, especially if it was liked by someone who you once considered a potential romantic interest.

Feel free to read it now.

When I first read that article, I was immediately against it and everything it stood for. I was probably rather pre-disposed towards it from the beginning, thanks to the title, and the tone the article sets early. It makes some very good points late, but some of the things the article mentions really do prove my point, especially if this is a stance that a large number of women are taking when it comes to their previous relationships. I'm going to break down the article a bit in order to demonstrate what I mean.

The first paragraph tells a generic story about the writer running into a friend she hadn't seen in a long time, who just happened to throw out the awkward question, asking about how the writer's significant other was doing. This was a while after they had broken up, mind you. When she mentioned that they weren't actually together any more, she got a look from her friend that she refers to as "that look of sadness and sympathy that she is well used to." She goes on to relate that look to being what you get when the person you thought you were going to marry breaks up with you. She also talks about the typical "I know you'll be able to find someone better that you will love even more" response that tends to be pre-programmed into people who are talking with someone who broke up with the love of their life. She then began thinking about those words, the "you'll find someone that you will love even more" part.

The next paragraph is two short lines only, saying that she hopes it isn't true. She hopes that she will never find someone that she loves as much as her ex. This is a bit worrisome, but I will give her the benefit of the doubt and let her finish her argument before I start going all ballistic about that particular statement.

The next part of the article dives into the reasons why. She talks about all of the things that made the love she shared with her ex, altogether too much for her. She just generally felt incomplete without him. She talks about the passion, about how much she missed him when he wasn't with her, how she thought about him for every waking moment. He was what she considered to be the best part of herself, and how the entire relationship was a rollercoaster of those different emotions. The writer talks about how she hopes she will never feel that way again.

The next portion talks about why she believes that her ex was the love of her life because she never wants to feel that kind of intense, all-encompassing love ever again. She also talks about the feeling after she lost it, because she had no idea how the world would keep turning.

She then goes on to mention how her heart did eventually recover, but that she doesn't want to find that same kind of love again. She mentions that she is anxious to fall in love again, but wants it to be entirely different.

The second to last paragraph talks about why. And it brings up some very interesting points that I will get to in a moment. The very last paragraph sums everything up by saying that she hopes that both of them will find a more whole kind of love.

Ok, where to start...

This is a very interesting article for a number of reasons. It presents a very interesting argument against the whole "young love" stigma. We all know the one I'm referring to. It is that one relationship that many people have when they're young that makes them think that the world will end when their relationship does. And don't get me wrong, I agree with some of what she's saying. But I have a few questions of my own regarding this particular topic.

Let's take it back to the beginning few paragraphs of that article. She talks about how her love with her ex was raw and passionate. I believe the most important word there is "all-encompassing." This is a good point. There is nothing wrong with your love helping to define who you are, but it is important not to let one person become your whole identity. I do agree with her on this point entirely. However, she does include the passionate part as though it is a bad thing. I guess it does depend on the level of passion, but I can't say that passion in a relationship is necessarily a bad thing. She also mentions that he was the first thing she thought about in the morning, and the last thing she thought about at night. I don't see what is wrong with that. It just means that the most important thing to you is what happens to be on your mind before you close or open your day. I suppose this could be dependent upon what about that person is on your mind, but I can't see this as being a bad thing. In fact, I would want the person that I would be in a relationship with (in an imaginary world, I guess) to be the first thing on my mind when I wake up, and the last thing on my mind before I sleep. It is just a manifestation of that person's importance in your life.

I guess this is the thing that really stood out to me. I would want (again, in an imaginary world) the love that I would find to be raw and passionate, emotional, and everything to me. I will leave out the all-encompassing part for reasons mentioned above, but I want that person to be the one I think about in the morning and at night. I want someone who can make me feel complete, and someone who makes the world feel right when I am with them. I want someone who can be my other half, someone who can complete my heart. Someone who can make me crazy and emotional, but hopefully not in the frustrating manner that some relationships do.

That's the thing though. Does that mean that I haven't matured enough when it comes to what I'm looking for in a relationship? Are the things that I am looking for really a ticking time-bomb in disguise? Did I maybe dodge a bullet in missing my opportunity to find something like this?

In the next portion of the article, the author mentions that she hopes that her ex was really the love of her life, because she never really wants to love on that level again. Maybe this is the biggest defining part of the whole article for me. Because I would want the love of my life to be the person that I spend as much if it with as possible. NOT the one who left me behind. I've been in love before. I know the feeling of loving another, and though I don't know the feeling of said love being returned, I can speak to one thing. I would never want someone from my past to be the one that defines love for me. Sure, all of those that I've loved in the past have helped me to define it for myself. But I want the one who defines love for me to be the one who will be by my side forever.

Ok, maybe I am asking a bit too much. But I mean it. The one who defines love for me (in my dreams anyway) will be the one who is willing to stick by my side through anything. The author of the article goes on to talk about how even when things were horrible in their relationship, she still loved every minute of it. How exactly is that a bad thing, again? She does talk about how that mixture of positive and negative feelings was too much for her to handle, because it made her feel like the world was going to stop turning when the relationship ended.

My biggest question is, would any other love that really meant something to someone feel any less when it ended? If you don't feel miserable when a relationship ends, perhaps you weren't taking it seriously enough. Perhaps you shouldn't have even been in one to begin with. Just because that particular mixture of feelings made it seem like the end of the world doesn't mean that you should give up on ever feeling that way again. If I knew that the person I was in a relationship with wouldn't be absolutely crushed if it ended, I would bring on the end of the world for myself, and get it over with. Because I deserve someone who actually cares about my love leaving their life forever. And not just cares, but would do anything to stop it from happening.

Does that make me immature? Or am I just a person that still exists within that bubble of innocence that hasn't been popped yet? Or maybe... am I someone who has managed to cling to said innocence despite life's best efforts to take it away? And is that a good thing? It is something that I have been thinking about almost non-stop since I first read this article.

She then goes on to talk about how, after the pain and sadness went away, she had a realization. She didn't need that kind of love. She didn't ever want it again. She said that she was anxious to fall in love again, but that she didn't want that intense kind of love ever again.

I guess, for me, that realization would be a little different. Granted, this is all theoretical. I cannot speak to something that I have never experienced and probably never will. Maybe if I was in the same situation of being crushed by the loss of someone who meant the world to me, I would think differently. However, I cannot help but feel saddened by the author's conclusion that she never wants to feel that kind of deep love again.

The next paragraph is where she explains even more in-depth about why this is true. And this is also the paragraph that makes me put this article in this list overall.

She says that she doesn't want someone to be her other half, but rather someone who makes her feel whole on her own. This statement is a very interesting one in itself. I don't disagree with wanting someone who makes you feel whole on your own. However, isn't that a paradox? Is it possible to feel whole on your own if someone else makes you feel that way?

Moreover, I have come to accept that some people's hearts are just not made to be alone. That is the only explanation I can come up with for it. Some people are perfectly happy being single, while others cannot feel happy that way no matter how hard they try. And as much as society and internet quotes would have us believe otherwise, I believe that is entirely ok. There is nothing wrong with those people, and they are not weaker for needing someone else to help them feel complete. It is simply that their hearts are more empowered by the tight bonds that they form with other people than by rejecting those bonds. It is nothing to be fearful or ashamed of, although it does tend to lead to more sadness and pain.

She also mentions that she wants someone who, when he is gone, she won't miss so much it hurts, but will rather trust that he is coming home to her. This is also a bit of a double-edged sword. I would want to miss someone so much it hurts. Not because I enjoy the pain, but because I would know how strong the connection between us is. I would also trust that they would come home to me, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't miss them. And in all honesty, I don't see any problem with missing someone who is dear to you. That is a normal reaction of the heart to being physically separated from someone with whom your heart shares a bond. For me, just trusting that they would come back isn't enough. If I didn't miss them, I would feel like any love between us was just empty.

She goes on to mention that she doesn't want him to be her last thought at night, because he will be next to her. Now, I agree entirely with the intentions of this statement, but for the record, why can't you do both? Why can't he be next to you when you fall asleep while thinking about him? I talked about this earlier, and I still see no reason why the person most special to you can't be the first and last thing you think about every day.

The next thing she mentions, is that she doesn't want him to be the best part of her, but rather, someone who encourages her and pushes her to be the best person she can be on her own. I have no argument about wanting someone who encourages and pushes you to be the best you can be. This is something that everyone deserves to have. The only thing I can say, is if your ex didn't do this, then why does he remain the "love of your life?" Anyone who doesn't care to lift up the person who is most important to them and make them feel like they are on top of the world... that is a person who doesn't deserve the title "love of your life." Period. If that is the person that defined love for you, then you have a lot of thinking to do. Because that wasn't true love otherwise. Also, in regards to the last part of that statement, refer to the paradox statement I made above. Isn't someone who is encouraging you to be the best you can be a part of that? Doesn't that process involve more than one person? I have no problem with being someone who encourages another person to be so much more, but I want someone who recognizes that and loves me all the more for it, and vice versa. I don't want or need someone who uses me as a springboard and then leaves me behind. I don't need someone who lets me lift them up, and just keeps climbing without returning the favor. That is a big part of what true love is about.

Next, she throws in a few things that she wants. A partner. Someone she can rely on 24 hours a day to be there for her. I'm in complete agreement. But following with the point I mentioned in the previous paragraph, if your ex did not do this, then why does he get to be the "love of your life." I keep putting this in quotations for this exact reason. If such a person is the "love of your life." only because of how involved and obsessed with the relationship you were, then perhaps you need to redefine the term "love of my life."

Next she mentions that she wants a love that can make her smile, and one that lets her go to sleep completely content with her life, not one that keeps her awake at night. This is the one statement that I can agree with entirely in the context of the article. I want that kind of love too. Too bad I won't find it, thanks to what I will be listing here, but that is another story.

She goes on to mention that she doesn't want someone who treats her as the most important thing in the world, but rather someone who treats their daughter like that. This is an interesting statement for a number of reasons. First of all, I won't argue with wanting someone who is willing to love any part of their family. However, this statement seems to be a bit loaded in that it seems to imply that she wants someone who will love her daughter MORE than her. And while the selflessness of such a statement is admirable if that is really the intended meaning, there are some issues there. I've actually read a number of articles recently, all of which were written by relationship experts. Now, I don't buy much into the idea of being an "expert" at love, despite how much I write as though I am one. But this point was brought up in a number of these articles. They all talked about one of the keys to keeping a relationship together once you have kids, is to make sure that you treat the love you and your partner with just as much importance as that which you share with your kids. I don't have any links to these articles, but feel free to go on any dating site, or relationship advice site, and I'm sure it won't take you long. The point is, why can't you treat BOTH as being the most important things in your lives? Because I'm pretty sure that the person that I fall in love with will always be the most important thing to me, and will always be treated like a princess. If I ever have children, I will love them too, but my love and I will always share a special kind of love, just as my children and I will. Every love is special in it's own way, and forcing someone to choose the way in which they prioritize loving their spouse/significant other versus how they love their children is just wrong.

On a more personal note regarding that particular statement, I have mentioned in a number of previous blog posts about how I am not really interested in having children yet. I couldn't help but think that these probably tie in together. Primarily, I am talking about the idea that the author seems to imply that she will not accept someone who wants to treat her like a princess, or the most important thing in their life. This is one of the many things I have been struggling against for years. It seems like far too many girls out there are far too willing to pass on sweet guys who just want to treat someone as the most important thing. And then, they jump into relationships with guys who don't treat them that way, and they complain about it the whole time. It is a real double standard, to be sure. I will cover more of that in a later post. However, back to the children thing, many people around my age are not interested in settling down and having children yet, myself included. Again, I will post more about this later. But I can't help but feel like any girl following these particular standards will end up with a guy that is either a jerk to them, but loves their kids, or a guy who is likely a little older than I am, but is ready to settle down.

You see, even if I were to get married tomorrow, I would probably want to wait a while before having kids. Mostly so I could enjoy exploring the world with the person who means the most to me, while also not having to worry about the complexities of balancing loving my wife with loving my family. I have no doubt that I have enough love for everyone, but balancing it properly is another issue. Perhaps I feel this way because I haven't really had a relationship like the one the author describes in her article, but I feel like any girl that judges a guy because he doesn't want to have children right away, but instead wants to make her the most important thing in his life for a while is in for a rather rude awakening.

She ends that particular paragraph by saying that she doesn't want to be the love of his life, because she wants their family to be. This is a really touchy subject as I was mentioning before. So, what about guys like me? Guys that just want one person to make into the most important thing in our lives? Guys that aren't ready to think about having children and a family yet? Does that mean we are too immature for girls that have experienced a past relationship like the one mentioned here, and are now realizing some of the things mentioned in this article? I don't think so. I think the desire to make that one person the most important thing to us is in fact important practice for later, when we do finally decide to have families. Because then, we will not only have one love of our life, but many. And each love will be unique and special in it's own right. This is why I disagree with this statement.

P.S. This will be discussed a lot more in future posts.

She starts the ending paragraph by saying that her ex taught her more about love and life than he will ever know or understand. This isn't necessarily a bad statement in and of itself, but it would still give someone like me pause. Because I would want to be the one that teaches someone a lot about life and love, and be the one that also learns more from that other person than they will ever know. I don't say this because I am greedy or selfish, but simply because that is what the true love of a person's life should be. The one that teaches them the most, not about the bad side of love, but the good side. This is very difficult to overcome if a person believes that their ex was the one that taught them the most about love in general. Because as we well know, people don't like changing things they hold sacred. And if this particular belief is ingrained in their mind and heart, it probably won't change anytime soon.

The next few sentences are a simple wish of goodwill toward her ex that don't deserve much consideration given the context of this entry. It does show good character to not hold a large amount of ill-will toward someone who once broke your heart. In all honesty, I don't know if I could do the same.

She ends the article by saying that she and her ex were young, naïve, and in love, but that it was the wrong kind of love. She goes on to say that it was the kind of love that you only find once in a lifetime, but that she hopes they both move on to find a more whole love.

Not necessarily an incorrect statement, but I need to draw some attention to a few things. First of all, I have no disagreement that it sounds like she and her ex were both young and naïve, which can be a factor in first relationships. I guess, the only thing that comes to mind when I think about this particular statement is the fact that the opportunity for me to be young, naïve, and in love is rapidly passing me by, if it hasn't already. Once again, I will discuss more of this in a later list post.

She isn't wrong in saying that this kind of love is the kind that you only find once in a lifetime. She is also correct in saying that they should both look to move on and find a more whole kind of love.

The only thing that bothers me about this whole thing is the general tone that the love she had with her ex could never be replaced. She does make some effort to imply that perhaps she doesn't want to replace it, but the focus on all of the things that made her love with her ex so unique and "once-in-a-lifetime" tends to distract from all of that. See, the thing is, in my experience, people who think in such ways about their exes are rarely able to see new relationships or potential relationships in the same light as they did the relationship with their ex. They find themselves constantly comparing the newer relationship to the old, saying how they want something different, yet still subconsciously bringing down the new relationship because it doesn't live up to the old. It is a vicious cycle that is very easy for those who have been in a past relationship to get caught up in.

The general tone of the article does imply the potential for remaining feelings for the author's ex. It is also worrisome, because like I just mentioned, this would seem to be the relationship to which the author will compare all others, even though she tries to say otherwise.

The real question here though is, why does this article belong on a list of reasons why I will never find the love I am looking for? I have made several points as this post has dragged on, but in summary, there are three main things I am looking at in regards to what was mentioned in the referenced article.

First of all, as I mentioned almost a paragraph earlier, the author appears to have lingering feelings for her ex. This might not seem obvious at first, but there are several parallels I can draw to this conclusion. First of all, as I also mentioned several paragraphs prior, this would be the relationship to which the author compares all others. Also, all of the girls I have seen spreading the original article around are the ones that admittedly, and sometimes not admittedly, are still drawn to their ex. As much as the author of the article wants to state that she never wants such a love again, and would not want to get back together with her ex, the admiration with which she looks upon the love they had together is undeniable. I would think the reasons why these kinds of feelings put this article and many of the beliefs it represents on the list are obvious.

Second, is the author's focus on the fact that the love with her ex was a once-in-a-lifetime love. Despite the author's efforts to make it seem otherwise, she puts a lot of emphasis on the parts of that love that she and many people consider to be good parts of love. She tries in several ways to write these off as bad things, but it is obvious that her general feeling on the matter is that she will never be able to love someone the same way she loved her ex. Whether this is a good or a bad thing is up to the reader. I guess I'm just the type of person that isn't interested in constantly trying to live up to this "once-in-a-lifetime love" that she keeps touting.

Finally, there is an element of closeness in a relationship that the author will now consciously try to deny herself. You see, one of the main focuses of this article was how close the author was to her ex. It continuously focused on aspects of their relationship that were defined by how close the two were, and how much their lives revolved around one another. At the end of the article, she goes out of her way to point out all of the flaws of this, and even goes so far to list all kinds of ways she wishes for her next relationship to be different. However, the theme amongst all of this is clear: she never wants to be that close to a person again. While she never goes out of her way to say this, the conclusion is clear. And this is a definite way to push people like myself, that are looking for a very close relationship, away.

I'm not saying that the life of the person I was in a relationship with (again, theoretically) would have to revolve around me and vice versa. But I desire a certain closeness with a person that I would be in a relationship with. I would want them to be the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep and when I wake up. I would want them to miss me when I'm gone. Maybe this is because I haven't yet experienced anything like the love described in the article. Maybe I just haven't learned my lesson yet. But I will not deny that my feelings toward these kinds of things being said, and such boundaries and limitations of love that are being set by the author in this article, are mostly comprised of sadness. It is a shame to see someone so dejected by a love that they had in that past, that they cannot begin anew with a clean slate. Instead, these kinds of feelings are forever baggage that they will carry with them into new relationships, and as I mentioned before, they will constantly compel the author and the people who share these feelings with her to push those that they love away to keep from growing too close. These ideas would shackle her heart and make it very difficult for her to love again.

As I wrap this up, I am sorry about the length. I had hoped to keep this a tad shorter, but once I get to writing about something like this, I tend to go on a tangent. I can say that future posts will be much shorter. I guess you could say this article was a test of my ability to take an idea that seemed completely rock-solid, such as the one presented in this article, and discover why my heart kept telling me it was wrong, at least in a few ways. Once again, this is all my opinion. You have every right to disagree with me, the same as I disagreed with the author of the article presented here.

Whatever the case may be, thank you for listening. (or reading, as the case may be)

New Series!

So yes, I know it has been a while again. I have had a rather interesting summer since I last posted here on the blog.

In regards to the Endeavor series I was doing before, I plan on continuing to post in the series. In fact, I have a rather interesting story to tell. However, this new series will tie in with the result of the Endeavor series. Unfortunately, the result of the Endeavor series will be revealed as I begin this new series, which I plan to entitle "100 Reasons Why I Will Never Find What I'm Looking For."

I will however, say that I came incredibly close to succeeding on the quest presented in the Endeavor series, but ultimately fell just short. I will discuss the feelings about this further when I post another entry in the series, but I should say that I am happy that I got to experience some hope again, if only for a while. However, the fall deadline I set for myself has come and gone, and as such, I would like to release this new series to commemorate how close I was able to come to my goal.

I won't say that there isn't some frustration involved with my decision to begin this series. I'm not looking for revenge, but merely to explore the reasons why I am beginning to believe that a person that is supposedly perfect for me does not, in fact, exist.

I do however, hope that those that I have once had feelings for, would read this and understand how they contributed to my beliefs in this matter. It has been both difficult and easy to accept the truth of the matter finally, but I am happy to have an outlet, like this series, which will allow me to explore those beliefs in more depth.

As the title indicates, I am planning on going for one hundred total entries in this series. Originally, I did not think 100 entries would be possible. However, I was brainstorming ideas for the series the other day, and I was able to think of over 30 ideas in less than an hour or two, which was far above and beyond what I thought was possible. The number 100 also has roots in a piece I wrote for a girl I had feelings for a while back, in which I came up with 100 reasons why I thought she was amazing. I figured it would be appropriate I would now use the same number to define my possible infinite aloneness.

Also worth clarification, is the idea that I will never enter into a relationship. I shouldn't say that it will never happen, as I suppose there is the slight chance that something could come along and change my mind. The main things that are changing in regards to my approach to relationships are as follows. First, I am beginning to accept the fact that the odds I will ever find what I'm looking for are very slim. Second, I am no longer going to actively try to find what I am looking for. If it comes to me, I might consider allowing myself to love again, although it will admittedly be very difficult. But I am no longer interested in chasing people who have no interest in me at all, and therefore, I will not chase any more. With all that in mind, I know it would take an absolutely amazing person for me to ever consider the dating and relationship scene again. And from what I've seen, it is hard for me to continue to believe that person exists. The reasons for this belief will be explored extensively in this series, as I am still trying to collect and express the reasons behind it.

As I am continuously mentioning, my main goal with this series is to express the deeper feelings I have in regards to my emerging beliefs and feelings. I am also looking to improve my own understanding of these in-depth reasons, as writing seems to be one of the best ways for me to understand myself.

With all of that said, there are a few things that should be clarified before I begin.

First, I will be continuing The Endeavor series. However, as this new series currently takes up a majority of my thoughts and inspiration, the posts will be rather few and far between. However, I still want to detail my journey through online dating, and all of the stigmas that surround it, and how I very nearly found what I was looking for.

Second, I should point out that I am very prone to creative blocks, or periods of time where I have little to no inspiration for writing ideas, or no desire to sit down and write those ideas. As my creativity seems to come in streaks, I cannot guarantee any particular schedule in regards to posts. Please forgive me if I disappear again.

Third, please keep in mind that this upcoming series is from the perspective of a guy. As such, there will be some focus on female failings when it comes to relationships. I am not discriminatory or sexist. I am simply presenting a male point of view, or approaching the subject from a male point of view. I realize the fact that there are probably plenty of single girls out there that could probably come up with a similar list of reasons as to why they are single, and will continue to be so. I could probably debate most of those reasons, but that is a subject for another blog post! Whatever the case might be, if you at any point in this series, feel as though I'm being sexist, please get off of your politically correct high horse and try to understand the situation from my point of view.

Fourth, understand that many of the topics I will be discussing are GENERALIZATIONS. I am in no way trying to classify or categorize people. I am simply speaking from my own experience with these topics. Just because I talk about how women have a particular problem does not mean I think ALL women are like that. I am simply speaking to what I have found to be true from experience. If you or someone you know does not match the topic I am discussing, that doesn't make me incorrect. This is going to be a list-style series for a reason. Chances are likely, if you don't believe I should classify people based on a few of the categories on the list, you can probably agree with several others. Once again, please keep an open mind.

Fifth, this list will be in no particular order. Reason #1 on the list isn't necessarily the most prominent reason, and reason #100 isn't necessarily the least prominent. I will simply be posting the ideas in any order that comes to me, and whatever idea I feel most inspired to talk about at that particular moment will be what gets posted.

With all of that said, I will apologize in advance to all of my female readers. There will be a focus on a number of things that females do that drive me away from relationships. Please bear with me, and understand what I'm saying. If you want to try and prove me wrong, feel free. I'm not opposed to being proven wrong on one or more topics. But like I mentioned before, this is a big list for a reason.

Finally, with all of that said, I should probably conclude with another note. This isn't a "if you fit into any of the 100 categories on this list, I will not date you" series. I'm not listing all of the ways that I am picky. I'm listing a number of things that push me away, especially if a lot of these apply to a person. But I will not forget that love is not finding a perfect person, but rather learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. Nobody is perfect, and I have always understood that, and will always understood that. I am not posting this to emphasize imperfections, nor am I posting it to try and force people to change things about who they are. I am simply posting my own personal frustrations with love and relationships in an effort to learn more about myself. Just because a person fits into a category or multiple categories on this list does not mean that I would never date that person or couldn't fall in love with them. I know just as well as anyone else that love can overcome any of these obstacles, and mine is no exception. I am just listing the reasons why I don't think I'll ever find a person worth overcoming those obstacles for.

So, be sure to approach the series with an open and understanding mind, and please enjoy!

The Endeavor #4

So, final exams are finally over for me. I still won't have as much time to keep updated with the blog because of my work schedule. Now that school is over, my workplace is scheduling me so much more than before. Of course, I'll have little time to focus on my goals for the summer as long as this keeps up. I'm really hoping that they ease up after a while.

I've been able to begin to establish my workout routine a bit. In all honesty, I'm more out of shape than I imagined. Hopefully I'm able to regain my athleticism soon. I've always considered it a valuable part of who I am. It has definitely been ravaged by this long and tedious winter.

As for the whole dating scene, I haven't really gotten much from Eharmony yet. I'm still a tad skeptical. I've been focused on improving my profile by bits and pieces at a time. I've finally managed to answer most of the relevant questions that they give for you to answer as part of your profile. I've also made several additions to the various main page aspects, such as favorite movies and music. I also think that I still need to work on some of the main questions that they display to the people who view your profile. Making a good first impression is important, I think.

I also need more pictures. I was on my profile the other day, and I have only one good picture of myself on there. That isn't nearly enough for what I'm hoping to do. I need pictures that illustrate my life as it is. It is more of an art form, I guess. Anyways, I tried looking on Facebook. It was then that I realized how few good pictures of myself I actually have. Don't get me wrong, I have a few on Facebook. However, in my own opinion, they are all terrible. And no, I'm not being self-conscious. They all look like crap. It seems like whenever a camera is around, I always find a way to look my absolute worst. It is a curse or something.

So, with that, I made myself a goal for this summer (yes, another one). That is, I am going to find a way to take more pictures of my life in general. I need a better way to put who I am into image form. It is an odd goal to be sure, but one that I think I can live with.

Also, I've been plagued by thoughts and dreams of the first girl I ever loved. Apparently she is back in town for the summer. It has had a noticeable effect on me for sure. No, I haven't seen her yet, but it has still given me flashbacks. I'm not really sure what any of it means. I'm not sure if I should try to seek her out or avoid her. Maybe it won't even matter. 

It isn't just her I've found my mind turning to lately. There is another girl that I once had feelings for that I find my thoughts turn to more and more often. I still don't know why... Why is my heart trying to drag me back into the past? Is there something I missed there?

Either way, I plan to press forward with my attempts to find that one person who might be able to complete my heart.

I can't help but feel as though I am a person with half a heart. The other half is missing, and whether or not I'll be able to find it... I can't say for sure.

The Endeavor #3

I don’t think I've mentioned too much about the other aspect of my “endeavor.”

It’s actually quite simple. This journey I have set myself on has two main goals.

You already know the first well. I am trying to find that other piece of myself. That is, the person who truly completes me.

The second is to better myself.

There are a lot of different ways to better oneself. You can eat healthier, get fit, learn a new language, etc. The possibilities are endless. I want to focus on getting in shape first.

It isn't like I’m out of shape or anything. Though, I can probably attribute that to my wonderful high-end metabolism. Without it, I would probably be little more than a blob of fat by now. Especially after the long and harsh winter that Michigan has gone through this year. I've been cooped up indoors with few options to get rid of excess energy.

Now yes, I realize there are plenty of ways to exercise indoors. And to be honest, none of them ever really appealed to me. Sure, I could lift weights… but I have a hard time staying focused on training regimens based on weights alone. Sure, I could run on a treadmill, but what would running be without the wind in your face and the sun setting in the distance?

It sounds like a lot of excuses, I know. But indoor training programs have always eluded me. Give me a basketball or soccer ball, and the great outdoors, and I will run myself into the ground.

Anyways, the warm weather finally returned this week! And yes, I did get the opportunity to get outside and begin my long-awaited training program.

It was an interesting affair for sure. To begin, I decided to get out and see where I was at physically. There is nothing like some stamina and jump-training, which is easy enough if you have a basketball and hoop. After my usual training grounds from last year turned out to be in use by another group of people, I headed down to the main riverside park in my town. There, I found the court empty and unused.

After simply running through a few standard drills, I was exhausted. My stamina definitely needs more work than I knew. Every section of the muscles in my legs used for jumping and changing direction (I’m not even going to try to name them) was on fire.

It was then that a younger kid from a group of people who were visiting the park at the time took an interest in what I was doing. It was strange how I was able to read his interest so easily, even from a number of feet away. I was sure to throw in some extra flashy moves when he was looking. I know, I can be a bit of a showoff at times, but hey.

Anyways, he eventually made his way over to the court and sat on one of the benches off to the side. He pretended to be engrossed in his phone, but I could see him keeping an eye on me from around the edges of the phone. He was obviously someone who enjoyed the sport greatly.

After a while, I got tired. So, while I went to cool off a bit, stretch, and drink water, I asked him if he wanted to shoot a bit. His face lit up. It was a great feeling. The two of us spent the next hour or so taking turns shooting. Not much was said outside of some congratulations on made shots, and encouragement on missed ones.

Honestly, it was quite surreal. It was just a connection between two people who love to play the game. Ages didn't matter. Skill didn't matter. Hometowns didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was the love of the game. It took me back to when I played soccer in high school.

Eventually, he had to leave with his parents and younger siblings. I could see his parents flashing me a few thankful smiles as they left. Just as he left, I realized that I hadn't even gotten his name…

I knew next to nothing about him. I didn't know his name. I didn't know where he lived. I didn't know if he even played basketball much. All I knew was his love for the game of basketball. And that is all that really mattered.

Afterwards, I finished up what was left of my main workout, but was pretty burned out by that point. I did some free throw drills and was getting ready to leave when some other kids showed up. Unlike the other one, these kids were a bit older, probably juniors or seniors in high school. They also didn't seem to care for me taking up one side of the court. Either that or they just didn't have time to care that I was around. It would be safe to assume that I didn't invite them to shoot with me. They just seemed to me like your average jocks.

I finished up my workout and left, offering only a “good luck” for parting words.

Needless to say, I was a bit intrigued by the experience. I have always been a rather shy person when it comes to sharing my workouts with others. So far, I have only done so with family members and close friends; never with a stranger. But something connected between the two of us. That is, the love of the game. It was sharply contrasted by the two jocks who came later, who wanted nothing to do with me. Maybe it was because they had their own ball, but I still think a lot of it had to do with the difference in personalities between people.

Ultimately, I have to commend the younger kid for being brave. I wouldn't have gone over to a court with a total stranger and asked in every manner but with words if I could join him. It takes a real love of the game to do that. And I truly enjoyed his company.

I am writing this two days later, and honestly, I don’t think I have ever been this sore. It hurts just to walk, and climbing stairs is met with some excruciating pain. I would say I accomplished my goal of getting a good workout and then some. I just have to wait for the muscle tissue to repair itself, and it is off to do it all over again. In the meantime, I should probably find some time to implement core workouts as well. Leg and lower-body workouts are all fine, but I need some upper-body strength to go along with it.

Core workouts have always been the bane of my workout routines. I just hate them. They tend to be incredibly boring and it tends to take forever to start seeing results. I’m rarely successful with them. This time might be different though. I have a vision in mind that I should be able to use to motivate me.

You see, lately, I have been having this daydream… if I ever meet the girl of my dreams, I want to be able to pick her up and twirl her around, the same way they often do in the movies. I’m not sure exactly where I got that image from. Maybe it is from the innumerable times I have had to watch Frozen at my workplace, with it being on repeat on the TV’s and all. Whatever the case, I doubt I would be strong enough to lift much of anything with any substantial weight right now, much less another human being.

It will take a lot of training to get to that point, but it is certainly something I can strive towards.

The Endeavor #2

If I remember correctly, last time, I simply talked about which dating sites I was considering using, and why I chose the way I did. Getting back to following up on that, I should talk about a few of the major things I encountered when I first got started.

First of all, you’ll never know how difficult it was for me to give away any sort of personal information outside of my name and e-mail address. I suppose it is from all of these years of practicing internet safety, but it was really difficult. Despite that, I did finally manage to force myself to do it. Once I finally put in all of the information it was asking me for, I needed to upload a picture to my profile. I finally managed to choose a good one that came from a photo shoot a few years back. Still, up until this point, I guess I never really realized how few decent pictures of myself I actually have.

For those that never read some of my previous blog posts (I believe I've mentioned it several times), I am notoriously unphotogenic. Basically, I look horrible in all of the pictures taken of me, unless they are done and edited by a photographer. Now, that doesn't mean that I think I’m bad looking or anything. I just look terrible in pictures. I’m not sure… it’s like, whenever a camera is around, I always find a way to look my worst. Even worse, is the fact that I’m going to need more than just one picture in order to actually make my profile worth looking at. Not to mention, multiple pictures add to the credibility of any profile. I mean, it makes it a lot less likely that you’re a scammer or something when you have multiple pictures of yourself in various situations uploaded to your profile.

And yes, a lot of these are things that the website itself told me. But I can definitely understand what it is saying and why.

Of course, it also asked me for all kinds of additional personal info. It also gave me a series of questions to answer about myself. There were certainly more than a few of them too. It was actually really entertaining going through and answering as many of them as I could. They certainly asked some rather deep questions about relationships and my opinions on various matters pertaining to them. If only I had a list of those questions, I could probably go through all of them on here… though that might be a bit much.

Returning to the present, I should mention that they have made several changes since I originally joined the website. This included streamlining the interface, and changing/adding several features. I would say the most important section is the “settings” panel. On it, you can adjust several different settings relating to your matches, or who gets matched with you. I figure I’ll cover each of them in more detail as they pertain to me in upcoming posts. The general setting feature simply dictates how matches appear, and whether they appear at all.

Of course, there are a lot of other features besides the settings pertaining to your matches. Various tools let you view matches in general, or edit your profile. They also offer several other services and articles relating to online dating and dating advice. I’ll have to check those out at a future date.

I should probably take this opportunity to mention that I am not actually subscribed to the online dating service at this time. So I can’t communicate with other people via the website. I can’t look at other profiles either. This is a bit of a drag, but I want to be sure I’m ready before beginning to pay money in order to use the service. I also want my profile to be ready, depicting the most accurate representation of me as possible.

In addition to wanting my profile to look its best before broadcasting it to the world, I also want to feel as though I’m ready. There is no going back for me now though. I already have one foot in the water. I just need to feel like I’m ready to take the final step. This is a bit more difficult than some might imagine. There is a lot on my mind, and a lot that worries me. I think, most of all, I’m afraid of being judged. I know I shouldn’t be so worried about it, but I can’t help it. Maybe it is just human nature.

In any case, my journey is only just beginning…

The Endeavor #1

Ok, so my journey has just barely begun, and already I am overwhelmed with too many things to write about. This particular post will be about many of the things that have already occurred. Many of them are not recent.

I suppose you could technically say that I began this journey about a year ago when I created my online dating profile. For the sake of honesty, I can’t claim that I've been on this journey for that long. When I actually started it, it was really only a halfhearted thing, not really meant to be taken seriously. I was curious about what these sites had to offer, so I needed to sign up for one and create a profile. I’ll admit, I was hoping to break down how they determined compatibility between people based on the questions they asked. I did discover a few things, but many of them slip my mind because of how long ago this was.

Before all of that, I needed to decide on one dating site to use.

This was not nearly as much of a challenge as it might seem at first. I broke down the sites based on a lot of different criteria. However, I primarily wanted to use a website that focused on quality, not quantity. Anyone can throw together a website that pairs single people with other single people. It isn't that difficult. However, there are a lot of different variables that determine whether or not any subsequent dates will be worth each persons’ time, or will be a waste of time. That is where the whole “compatibility” aspect comes in.

I looked at a bunch of free dating sites first. Websites like PlentyOfFish seemed like I viable option at first. However, after looking into them a little bit, I realized how hopeless that would be. First of all, without the income from subscriptions, these websites obviously couldn't afford to design any sort of decent compatibility algorithms. So essentially, they were mostly just mediums for people to meet one another. Not bad in that aspect, but not quite what I was looking for.

After reading some reviews about them, I also realized that many of the people on these websites suffered from certain forms of delusion. Basically, the people looking to be matched by these websites were INCREDIBLY picky about who they would even consider being paired with. If you looked like anything less than a god or goddess, you would probably be ignored by the majority of the community on these sites.

Also, being free sites, anyone could join without reason. Based on the way that the internet works, this hardly makes for a healthy community. It didn't take me long to deduce that these sites were probably filled with all sorts of spambots and trolls. That isn't mentioning the security aspect. The risk of being trapped by a “catfish,” or someone who lies about who they are on the internet in order to trick someone else into a false relationship, was just too great. And yes, these people do exist. I've discovered them before. They do this for all kinds of reasons. Some of them do it looking to scam money. Others do it in order to obtain some form of good feeling about themselves. Still others do it just because it is fun. No matter what way you look at it, it is incredibly reprehensible. And unfortunately, because they have to pay nothing in order to access these sites, they tend to be everywhere.

Needless to say, the free sites are out of the question.

So, I decided to take a look at the subscription-based sites. There are certainly plenty of them out there. You have Match.com, Eharmony, and ChristianMingle.com... I could go on with the list for a while. I ruled out Match.com almost right away. They are a good site, don’t get me wrong. I was simply looking for one that favored the quality of your matches over the quantity of matches (or dates). And while the prospect of having the biggest user base of any site out there was definitely intriguing, I ultimately ended up deciding against it.

I also looked at ChristianMingle.com as a potential site to use. It would seem like a good match, as I am a devout Christian myself, and I would really prefer to be matched with someone of my faith. However, I ultimately decided that it wasn't one-hundred percent necessary that the other person share my exact faith. I would definitely consider someone of a different faith, or no faith at all, as long as they were able to respect and understand my faith and why I am a part of it, and why other people are as well. I was also unable to get a good reading on how big the user base actually was. This did worry me a little bit, as I didn't want to be matched with just a few people and have that be the end of it. And keep in mind, this was before they began their aggressive advertising campaign, so it was probably even smaller back then. I did decide to keep it in mind as a second option, however, in case my final decision ended up falling through.

I took a look at several dating sites and apps on Facebook as well. However, none of these got good reviews, and would all want access to all of your personal information on Facebook and such. I even got word that several of them had the tendency to access your account and post random stuff once they got access to your information. So sites like Zoosk were definitely out.

In case you don’t have it figured out yet, I eventually ended up choosing Eharmony.com as the site that I will be using for this undertaking. It just seemed like the right combination of a large user base, many different customizable options to determine who you are matched with, and that focus on quality over quantity that I mentioned before. So, it is here that my journey will begin.

On a side note, I have to admit that it is rather awkward to be talking about choosing dating sites. For whatever reason, this often feels to me like something deeply personal. And perhaps it is. It just feels rather difficult to talk about. Hopefully I’ll have even more insight as to why eventually.

The Endeavor Prologue

So, where to begin…? It has certainly been a while since I last used this blog. And I've had my reasons – mostly a lack of inspiration – that have made it rather difficult to continue posting on a regular basis. However, recent events have brought back a little of my original inspiration, and I've decided to release a new series of posts on here based on my experiences.

For those of you who have been with me for a while, I should probably throw out there that my situation has not changed one bit. I thought by now it might have, but you needn't worry. I’m still essentially in the same place I was over a year ago when I last posted in this blog. I've certainly been through my usual share of ups and downs. I gain hope, and then I lose it just as quickly.

That is the main reason I have decided to launch this new series in order to coincide with the effort that I will be undertaking over the next few months

.

Basically, these next several posts will cover what I will refer to as my “last chance” or “last effort” at finding what I’m looking for. Now, I know that if I don’t find it here, it isn't necessarily my last chance at finding love. However, based on the dream I always had about it, which I will cover in more detail later, this might very well be my last chance to find what I’m looking for without having to let go of my original dream and find a new one. And aside from that, if I don’t find it here, I doubt I will make another concerted effort at finding something. I’m simply tired of searching and coming up empty all the time, so I refuse to continue making an effort when all I get for it is pain. If after this I am still all alone, I will have to simply let go and allow fate to take over. If I find something after this, it will be entirely by chance, and not based on a huge amount of effort on my own part.

With that said, I feel comfortable diving into the real gist of what I’ll be trying to do.

Essentially, I am going to make one last attempt to search the world, using all the resources I can find, to see if I can find my heart’s other half. I’m searching for that love that has so eluded me for the entirety of my life.

I decided to chronicle that journey with the use of this blog. That was its original purpose anyway; to chronicle my journey through life, and my search for love. Besides, a blog name like “Notions of the Heart” is far too original and amazing to let it go to waste. Either way, I decided that this particular journey might be one of the most interesting I've had to date, so I figured it might be worth saving and sharing.

While I have yet to decide on an exact timeline for this particular endeavor, I figured that the warm weather presents a great guideline. Basically, with spring on its way in, my hope has been strengthened just a bit. If I don’t find what I’m looking for by next winter, I’ll probably have given up hope by then anyways. And if I won’t have lost hope by then, it probably won’t take long for the cold and dark days and overall dreary feeling to suck what is left of that hope away. I figure that winter is probably an appropriate deadline.

The real question in all of this is: how exactly will I be doing all of this? Essentially, I will be utilizing every tool at my disposal, including many I have not tried before for various reasons. In addition, I will be focusing on improving several aspects of myself, which will hopefully help to fuel my confidence and keep that hope alive for as long as I need it to be.

First, I will be attempting something that I have always thought about, but never had the courage to attempt for various reasons. That is… Online dating. Yes, you read that right. I might have released a post about my feelings about online dating a while back. Even if I didn't, I will give a short rundown as to why I've never tried this before. Basically, the concept of it frightened me. There are so many unknowns when it comes to online dating, not to mention several aspects that, in my own personal opinion, take more courage than standard dating. I’ll get to those later. However, the main reason I avoided it was because I was caught up in the stigma that it was a last-ditch method. I thought it was for people who couldn't find love any other way. And I didn't want to be one of those people that needed help to find what I was looking for.

My opinions from before have become more and more laughable by the day. Not necessarily because they were untrue, but because I fall perfectly into the category of people that I always stereotyped as the group that needed so much help to find love. I avoided it because I was afraid of what it might mean for me if I decided to use it. What I failed to realize was that I was exactly the type of person for whom these systems have been created, and that continues to sustain these systems until this very day. Is there anything wrong with that? I used to believe that there might be, but as I continue to think about it more and more, I am realizing that there truly isn't.

Are there not plenty of people out there in my situation? It seems as though their hearts are created to love that of another, but they remain invisible. Perhaps having a system in place to facilitate connections between these people isn't so bad after all. Even more intriguing, is the fact that many of these systems, such as the one I will be using, attempt to match people up based on certain other dimensions of compatibility. This is incredibly valuable in cutting time wasted on people who ultimately do not share certain aspects of personality that make them compatible with another person.

Either way, I continue to have various hesitations about this whole online thing. There are too many to list and detail here, so hopefully I will be able to tackle them one at a time in later posts. But I figure that it is important to point out that I am still a bit wary of all this, though I am finally of the opinion that it is potentially worth the risk.

In addition, my mind keeps asking myself one question in particular: What if I already know the person that I am supposed to end up with? I mean, I am taking that quite liberally. Is there really any one person that I am “supposed” to end up with? I often believe so, but it can be very difficult to say for sure. What would happen if this whole endeavor ends up chasing away someone who really does care for me? I can think of several people who might be in that category, although none of them have shown any obvious signs that they would potentially think of me as anything more than a friend. Then again, who knows? It is certainly eating me up inside wondering about this.

In the end though, I figure that I should keep a record of what could be the most important undertaking in my entire life. And even though some of it might seem rather commonplace and ordinary for some people, it is not to me. Each person’s life journey is unique in many ways, particularly in the way that they perceive it. So, like I said, I will be chronicling this endeavor with the help of this blog. Hopefully everyone can enjoy my journey along with me, and can take something away from it. And hopefully, as usual, writing about it will help me to better understand myself.