New Series!

So yes, I know it has been a while again. I have had a rather interesting summer since I last posted here on the blog.

In regards to the Endeavor series I was doing before, I plan on continuing to post in the series. In fact, I have a rather interesting story to tell. However, this new series will tie in with the result of the Endeavor series. Unfortunately, the result of the Endeavor series will be revealed as I begin this new series, which I plan to entitle "100 Reasons Why I Will Never Find What I'm Looking For."

I will however, say that I came incredibly close to succeeding on the quest presented in the Endeavor series, but ultimately fell just short. I will discuss the feelings about this further when I post another entry in the series, but I should say that I am happy that I got to experience some hope again, if only for a while. However, the fall deadline I set for myself has come and gone, and as such, I would like to release this new series to commemorate how close I was able to come to my goal.

I won't say that there isn't some frustration involved with my decision to begin this series. I'm not looking for revenge, but merely to explore the reasons why I am beginning to believe that a person that is supposedly perfect for me does not, in fact, exist.

I do however, hope that those that I have once had feelings for, would read this and understand how they contributed to my beliefs in this matter. It has been both difficult and easy to accept the truth of the matter finally, but I am happy to have an outlet, like this series, which will allow me to explore those beliefs in more depth.

As the title indicates, I am planning on going for one hundred total entries in this series. Originally, I did not think 100 entries would be possible. However, I was brainstorming ideas for the series the other day, and I was able to think of over 30 ideas in less than an hour or two, which was far above and beyond what I thought was possible. The number 100 also has roots in a piece I wrote for a girl I had feelings for a while back, in which I came up with 100 reasons why I thought she was amazing. I figured it would be appropriate I would now use the same number to define my possible infinite aloneness.

Also worth clarification, is the idea that I will never enter into a relationship. I shouldn't say that it will never happen, as I suppose there is the slight chance that something could come along and change my mind. The main things that are changing in regards to my approach to relationships are as follows. First, I am beginning to accept the fact that the odds I will ever find what I'm looking for are very slim. Second, I am no longer going to actively try to find what I am looking for. If it comes to me, I might consider allowing myself to love again, although it will admittedly be very difficult. But I am no longer interested in chasing people who have no interest in me at all, and therefore, I will not chase any more. With all that in mind, I know it would take an absolutely amazing person for me to ever consider the dating and relationship scene again. And from what I've seen, it is hard for me to continue to believe that person exists. The reasons for this belief will be explored extensively in this series, as I am still trying to collect and express the reasons behind it.

As I am continuously mentioning, my main goal with this series is to express the deeper feelings I have in regards to my emerging beliefs and feelings. I am also looking to improve my own understanding of these in-depth reasons, as writing seems to be one of the best ways for me to understand myself.

With all of that said, there are a few things that should be clarified before I begin.

First, I will be continuing The Endeavor series. However, as this new series currently takes up a majority of my thoughts and inspiration, the posts will be rather few and far between. However, I still want to detail my journey through online dating, and all of the stigmas that surround it, and how I very nearly found what I was looking for.

Second, I should point out that I am very prone to creative blocks, or periods of time where I have little to no inspiration for writing ideas, or no desire to sit down and write those ideas. As my creativity seems to come in streaks, I cannot guarantee any particular schedule in regards to posts. Please forgive me if I disappear again.

Third, please keep in mind that this upcoming series is from the perspective of a guy. As such, there will be some focus on female failings when it comes to relationships. I am not discriminatory or sexist. I am simply presenting a male point of view, or approaching the subject from a male point of view. I realize the fact that there are probably plenty of single girls out there that could probably come up with a similar list of reasons as to why they are single, and will continue to be so. I could probably debate most of those reasons, but that is a subject for another blog post! Whatever the case might be, if you at any point in this series, feel as though I'm being sexist, please get off of your politically correct high horse and try to understand the situation from my point of view.

Fourth, understand that many of the topics I will be discussing are GENERALIZATIONS. I am in no way trying to classify or categorize people. I am simply speaking from my own experience with these topics. Just because I talk about how women have a particular problem does not mean I think ALL women are like that. I am simply speaking to what I have found to be true from experience. If you or someone you know does not match the topic I am discussing, that doesn't make me incorrect. This is going to be a list-style series for a reason. Chances are likely, if you don't believe I should classify people based on a few of the categories on the list, you can probably agree with several others. Once again, please keep an open mind.

Fifth, this list will be in no particular order. Reason #1 on the list isn't necessarily the most prominent reason, and reason #100 isn't necessarily the least prominent. I will simply be posting the ideas in any order that comes to me, and whatever idea I feel most inspired to talk about at that particular moment will be what gets posted.

With all of that said, I will apologize in advance to all of my female readers. There will be a focus on a number of things that females do that drive me away from relationships. Please bear with me, and understand what I'm saying. If you want to try and prove me wrong, feel free. I'm not opposed to being proven wrong on one or more topics. But like I mentioned before, this is a big list for a reason.

Finally, with all of that said, I should probably conclude with another note. This isn't a "if you fit into any of the 100 categories on this list, I will not date you" series. I'm not listing all of the ways that I am picky. I'm listing a number of things that push me away, especially if a lot of these apply to a person. But I will not forget that love is not finding a perfect person, but rather learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. Nobody is perfect, and I have always understood that, and will always understood that. I am not posting this to emphasize imperfections, nor am I posting it to try and force people to change things about who they are. I am simply posting my own personal frustrations with love and relationships in an effort to learn more about myself. Just because a person fits into a category or multiple categories on this list does not mean that I would never date that person or couldn't fall in love with them. I know just as well as anyone else that love can overcome any of these obstacles, and mine is no exception. I am just listing the reasons why I don't think I'll ever find a person worth overcoming those obstacles for.

So, be sure to approach the series with an open and understanding mind, and please enjoy!

The Endeavor #4

So, final exams are finally over for me. I still won't have as much time to keep updated with the blog because of my work schedule. Now that school is over, my workplace is scheduling me so much more than before. Of course, I'll have little time to focus on my goals for the summer as long as this keeps up. I'm really hoping that they ease up after a while.

I've been able to begin to establish my workout routine a bit. In all honesty, I'm more out of shape than I imagined. Hopefully I'm able to regain my athleticism soon. I've always considered it a valuable part of who I am. It has definitely been ravaged by this long and tedious winter.

As for the whole dating scene, I haven't really gotten much from Eharmony yet. I'm still a tad skeptical. I've been focused on improving my profile by bits and pieces at a time. I've finally managed to answer most of the relevant questions that they give for you to answer as part of your profile. I've also made several additions to the various main page aspects, such as favorite movies and music. I also think that I still need to work on some of the main questions that they display to the people who view your profile. Making a good first impression is important, I think.

I also need more pictures. I was on my profile the other day, and I have only one good picture of myself on there. That isn't nearly enough for what I'm hoping to do. I need pictures that illustrate my life as it is. It is more of an art form, I guess. Anyways, I tried looking on Facebook. It was then that I realized how few good pictures of myself I actually have. Don't get me wrong, I have a few on Facebook. However, in my own opinion, they are all terrible. And no, I'm not being self-conscious. They all look like crap. It seems like whenever a camera is around, I always find a way to look my absolute worst. It is a curse or something.

So, with that, I made myself a goal for this summer (yes, another one). That is, I am going to find a way to take more pictures of my life in general. I need a better way to put who I am into image form. It is an odd goal to be sure, but one that I think I can live with.

Also, I've been plagued by thoughts and dreams of the first girl I ever loved. Apparently she is back in town for the summer. It has had a noticeable effect on me for sure. No, I haven't seen her yet, but it has still given me flashbacks. I'm not really sure what any of it means. I'm not sure if I should try to seek her out or avoid her. Maybe it won't even matter. 

It isn't just her I've found my mind turning to lately. There is another girl that I once had feelings for that I find my thoughts turn to more and more often. I still don't know why... Why is my heart trying to drag me back into the past? Is there something I missed there?

Either way, I plan to press forward with my attempts to find that one person who might be able to complete my heart.

I can't help but feel as though I am a person with half a heart. The other half is missing, and whether or not I'll be able to find it... I can't say for sure.

The Endeavor #3

I don’t think I've mentioned too much about the other aspect of my “endeavor.”

It’s actually quite simple. This journey I have set myself on has two main goals.

You already know the first well. I am trying to find that other piece of myself. That is, the person who truly completes me.

The second is to better myself.

There are a lot of different ways to better oneself. You can eat healthier, get fit, learn a new language, etc. The possibilities are endless. I want to focus on getting in shape first.

It isn't like I’m out of shape or anything. Though, I can probably attribute that to my wonderful high-end metabolism. Without it, I would probably be little more than a blob of fat by now. Especially after the long and harsh winter that Michigan has gone through this year. I've been cooped up indoors with few options to get rid of excess energy.

Now yes, I realize there are plenty of ways to exercise indoors. And to be honest, none of them ever really appealed to me. Sure, I could lift weights… but I have a hard time staying focused on training regimens based on weights alone. Sure, I could run on a treadmill, but what would running be without the wind in your face and the sun setting in the distance?

It sounds like a lot of excuses, I know. But indoor training programs have always eluded me. Give me a basketball or soccer ball, and the great outdoors, and I will run myself into the ground.

Anyways, the warm weather finally returned this week! And yes, I did get the opportunity to get outside and begin my long-awaited training program.

It was an interesting affair for sure. To begin, I decided to get out and see where I was at physically. There is nothing like some stamina and jump-training, which is easy enough if you have a basketball and hoop. After my usual training grounds from last year turned out to be in use by another group of people, I headed down to the main riverside park in my town. There, I found the court empty and unused.

After simply running through a few standard drills, I was exhausted. My stamina definitely needs more work than I knew. Every section of the muscles in my legs used for jumping and changing direction (I’m not even going to try to name them) was on fire.

It was then that a younger kid from a group of people who were visiting the park at the time took an interest in what I was doing. It was strange how I was able to read his interest so easily, even from a number of feet away. I was sure to throw in some extra flashy moves when he was looking. I know, I can be a bit of a showoff at times, but hey.

Anyways, he eventually made his way over to the court and sat on one of the benches off to the side. He pretended to be engrossed in his phone, but I could see him keeping an eye on me from around the edges of the phone. He was obviously someone who enjoyed the sport greatly.

After a while, I got tired. So, while I went to cool off a bit, stretch, and drink water, I asked him if he wanted to shoot a bit. His face lit up. It was a great feeling. The two of us spent the next hour or so taking turns shooting. Not much was said outside of some congratulations on made shots, and encouragement on missed ones.

Honestly, it was quite surreal. It was just a connection between two people who love to play the game. Ages didn't matter. Skill didn't matter. Hometowns didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was the love of the game. It took me back to when I played soccer in high school.

Eventually, he had to leave with his parents and younger siblings. I could see his parents flashing me a few thankful smiles as they left. Just as he left, I realized that I hadn't even gotten his name…

I knew next to nothing about him. I didn't know his name. I didn't know where he lived. I didn't know if he even played basketball much. All I knew was his love for the game of basketball. And that is all that really mattered.

Afterwards, I finished up what was left of my main workout, but was pretty burned out by that point. I did some free throw drills and was getting ready to leave when some other kids showed up. Unlike the other one, these kids were a bit older, probably juniors or seniors in high school. They also didn't seem to care for me taking up one side of the court. Either that or they just didn't have time to care that I was around. It would be safe to assume that I didn't invite them to shoot with me. They just seemed to me like your average jocks.

I finished up my workout and left, offering only a “good luck” for parting words.

Needless to say, I was a bit intrigued by the experience. I have always been a rather shy person when it comes to sharing my workouts with others. So far, I have only done so with family members and close friends; never with a stranger. But something connected between the two of us. That is, the love of the game. It was sharply contrasted by the two jocks who came later, who wanted nothing to do with me. Maybe it was because they had their own ball, but I still think a lot of it had to do with the difference in personalities between people.

Ultimately, I have to commend the younger kid for being brave. I wouldn't have gone over to a court with a total stranger and asked in every manner but with words if I could join him. It takes a real love of the game to do that. And I truly enjoyed his company.

I am writing this two days later, and honestly, I don’t think I have ever been this sore. It hurts just to walk, and climbing stairs is met with some excruciating pain. I would say I accomplished my goal of getting a good workout and then some. I just have to wait for the muscle tissue to repair itself, and it is off to do it all over again. In the meantime, I should probably find some time to implement core workouts as well. Leg and lower-body workouts are all fine, but I need some upper-body strength to go along with it.

Core workouts have always been the bane of my workout routines. I just hate them. They tend to be incredibly boring and it tends to take forever to start seeing results. I’m rarely successful with them. This time might be different though. I have a vision in mind that I should be able to use to motivate me.

You see, lately, I have been having this daydream… if I ever meet the girl of my dreams, I want to be able to pick her up and twirl her around, the same way they often do in the movies. I’m not sure exactly where I got that image from. Maybe it is from the innumerable times I have had to watch Frozen at my workplace, with it being on repeat on the TV’s and all. Whatever the case, I doubt I would be strong enough to lift much of anything with any substantial weight right now, much less another human being.

It will take a lot of training to get to that point, but it is certainly something I can strive towards.

The Endeavor #2

If I remember correctly, last time, I simply talked about which dating sites I was considering using, and why I chose the way I did. Getting back to following up on that, I should talk about a few of the major things I encountered when I first got started.

First of all, you’ll never know how difficult it was for me to give away any sort of personal information outside of my name and e-mail address. I suppose it is from all of these years of practicing internet safety, but it was really difficult. Despite that, I did finally manage to force myself to do it. Once I finally put in all of the information it was asking me for, I needed to upload a picture to my profile. I finally managed to choose a good one that came from a photo shoot a few years back. Still, up until this point, I guess I never really realized how few decent pictures of myself I actually have.

For those that never read some of my previous blog posts (I believe I've mentioned it several times), I am notoriously unphotogenic. Basically, I look horrible in all of the pictures taken of me, unless they are done and edited by a photographer. Now, that doesn't mean that I think I’m bad looking or anything. I just look terrible in pictures. I’m not sure… it’s like, whenever a camera is around, I always find a way to look my worst. Even worse, is the fact that I’m going to need more than just one picture in order to actually make my profile worth looking at. Not to mention, multiple pictures add to the credibility of any profile. I mean, it makes it a lot less likely that you’re a scammer or something when you have multiple pictures of yourself in various situations uploaded to your profile.

And yes, a lot of these are things that the website itself told me. But I can definitely understand what it is saying and why.

Of course, it also asked me for all kinds of additional personal info. It also gave me a series of questions to answer about myself. There were certainly more than a few of them too. It was actually really entertaining going through and answering as many of them as I could. They certainly asked some rather deep questions about relationships and my opinions on various matters pertaining to them. If only I had a list of those questions, I could probably go through all of them on here… though that might be a bit much.

Returning to the present, I should mention that they have made several changes since I originally joined the website. This included streamlining the interface, and changing/adding several features. I would say the most important section is the “settings” panel. On it, you can adjust several different settings relating to your matches, or who gets matched with you. I figure I’ll cover each of them in more detail as they pertain to me in upcoming posts. The general setting feature simply dictates how matches appear, and whether they appear at all.

Of course, there are a lot of other features besides the settings pertaining to your matches. Various tools let you view matches in general, or edit your profile. They also offer several other services and articles relating to online dating and dating advice. I’ll have to check those out at a future date.

I should probably take this opportunity to mention that I am not actually subscribed to the online dating service at this time. So I can’t communicate with other people via the website. I can’t look at other profiles either. This is a bit of a drag, but I want to be sure I’m ready before beginning to pay money in order to use the service. I also want my profile to be ready, depicting the most accurate representation of me as possible.

In addition to wanting my profile to look its best before broadcasting it to the world, I also want to feel as though I’m ready. There is no going back for me now though. I already have one foot in the water. I just need to feel like I’m ready to take the final step. This is a bit more difficult than some might imagine. There is a lot on my mind, and a lot that worries me. I think, most of all, I’m afraid of being judged. I know I shouldn’t be so worried about it, but I can’t help it. Maybe it is just human nature.

In any case, my journey is only just beginning…