Dark Cloud

Yeah, I know... it isn't my favorite title for a blog post. But you know, it accurately describes my feelings at the moment. Just when I thought I would be getting back to my old self... it ends up coming back to bite me. And once again, I can't get the thought of unfairness out of my mind.

I suppose it began with reading all those weird "likes" on Facebook this morning. Kinda and odd habit of mine, I like to page through some of the common "likes" to see if any match my thoughts/feelings. Anyways, one in particular caught my attention. It was entitled: "Not all guys want sex, because some of us want a relationship. Not all guys like Black Ops, because loving you is more fun. Not all men will hurt you, because some men are decent people. Not all men will abuse you, because some men like to see you smile. However, all those guys are gay." I remember my excitement as I read the first lines of that title. I was thinking: "YES! Somebody finally gets it!" But then I read that last sentence...

Nothing like a mood breaker to start your morning eh?

I suppose the truth is still out of reach. The problem I have here is... *I* would be like that in a relationship. I don't want sex, I'm interested in a relationship. I don't even play Black Ops, so loving someone would definitely be more fun. I wouldn't ever hurt anyone in a relationship, because, believe it or not, I'm a pretty decent person. And I would never abuse anyone, because I would enjoy the smile of the one I loved. BUT I'M NOT GAY! In fact, I'm the least gay person many people will ever meet.

That is why that hurts me so much to see something like that. Because people actually believe it. Only a little over six thousand people. But still... that's a lot of people to believe in a lie as ridiculous as that. Probably more coming. I wish the truth was tangible enough to throw in the faces of all those people who clicked the like button on that post.

Of course, I can't end on that. I'm going to do my best to throw in in their faces whether they know it or not.

So, to the girl who wrote that ridiculous "like:"

You ever wonder WHY those guys are gay? That's right. Because you took until NOW to notice them. They wanted someone to love, but you were too busy chasing all the jerks. Now that you DO notice them, its too late to turn back. So, whatever hopelessness you're feeling right now is your own fault, because you had your chance.

That's pretty good... in fact, I might actually make this into a "like" on Facebook just to see how many likes it gets. Now, remember one thing: I have never been and never will be gay. To me, it is one of the most repulsive things on the planet. But when I look at it from the viewpoint of that previous paragraph, I begin to feel sorry for those who might actually relate to that. Sorry, because I know the feeling.

Unfortunately, that particular post began a chain of thought that happened to ruin a good portion of my day, because I can't get the unfairness of it all out of my head. Here I am, the type of guy that most girls SAY they are looking for... And yet I'm more alone than ever before. But hey, I know the truth now. They're all the same.

Pride or Prejudice?

Haven't had much time to write new posts lately. I should probably add an update concerning previous posts. I HAVE begun to feel like my old self again, though I still hold the same reservations about love that I mentioned before. And, most importantly, I'm still waiting for someone to break that mold that all girls have impressed on me. That mold that seems to be the same for each and every one of them.

Another interesting tidbit that I thought it might be interesting to share. One of the girls I mentioned as being the crucial elements in my current judgement said something interesting to me just the other day. She told me that she thought all guys were the same. I had to laugh. Mostly because she knows me well enough to realize that I'M certainly not like the rest. Ok, I'm not trying to brag or anything by saying that. Just pointing out something I have realized about myself over the years. I don't look for the things that other guys do (looks, outgoing personalities, etc.) and instead, I try to look inside. That hasn't been working out so well for me lately, but hey... Why should I let it force me to become "normal?" Anyways, I had to point out her mistake. It was impossible to resist. I figure she didn't recognize that particular mistake because I've already been pushed off to the friend zone. Again. I didn't exactly develop a deep connection with her, but I've always sensed the potential was there. That is, if she ever bothers to notice just how much we have in common. Anyways, I haven't gotten my hopes up.

So, by now, you're probably wondering what the title has to do with anything you just read. That's because it has absolutely nothing to do with any of that. I'm just now getting on topic. Terrible, I know.

There is a bit of a story that goes along with this, so bear with me.

I was eating dinner tonight (or yesterday, if you are paranoid about detail) and somehow, my mother and sister got on an interesting topic. They began talking about how they had someone they wanted to "hook me up with." It turned out to be one of my sister's friends, whom she attends gymnastics with. Now, that's all fine and dandy. However, my reaction to the whole situation was less than favorable. It wasn't anything terrible, I just didn't know how to respond to it all. Part of me was happy to know that they considered someone out there a good match for me. However, the rest of myself was a little hesitant. It was something about having my family attempting to choose a date for me that sparked my somewhat negative reaction.

The real question I have been asking myself is... why? What about this whole situation made me go into "ignore everything being said" mode like I did? Like I said, it just seemed more than a little awkward to have my family members trying to set me up with someone. But why is that so bad?

I think the main part of it has to do with pride. I suppose the fact that my family needs to set me up in the first place kinda gave my pride a bit of a hit. And the fact that, if it did actually work out, I would never be able to live it down. Or would I? Anyways, I feel even more ashamed for letting my pride get in the way of a possible mold-breaker for me. But is it a bad thing to have a little pride? All I know is... if this does actually go through (I'm still not sure if I am going to try and stop it) my pride will have to take a hit in order for any breakthroughs to be made.

And I can't forget prejudices. Perhaps I've always told myself that anything having to do with relationships was my own burden to bear. That I wouldn't let anyone else create something for me. But then, I also always figured that there would be more people out there willing to look deeper. Since I was wrong on that second one, perhaps I ought to work on eliminating such prejudices? Or maybe that particular one has something to do with my simple goal to find someone to love on my own. I really don't know whether to say this is a prejudice I should keep, or work on getting rid of.

And so, I continue to debate what I should do about this whole situation. For now, I think I'm gonna sit back and just let things unfold. Though, I have no clue what my reaction will be if my mother and sister actually manage to set me up on a date with this girl.

As I always say... The heart is too great to be understood by anyone. Especially me.

Everything Falling Apart

I will admit... my last rant was a bit... excessive. However, I stand by the point I made. Unfortunately, I haven't been discouraged from doing exactly what I mentioned. In fact, I have been even MORE encouraged to give up. It seems that everywhere I turn, there is more evidence to support what I have recently come to accept as a possible truth: All Girls Are The Same. Once again, I know I'm going to take a lot of heat for that, but maybe if I elaborate a bit more...

Ok, as I have mentioned before, I have two friends who I have been helping through some hard times. Both have some of the same things in common. They are both girls, and both had been in a relationship with a bad guy. I had attempted to help them through the tough times, and had even given many suggestions to them as to how to find a good relationship. Doesn't seem so bad right? Well, both have come to the exact same point.

They both attempted to date another guy first. However, neither of them followed any of my advice, and ended up going after these guys based on looks and initial personality. This extreme shallowness, though I never mentioned it to either of them, only brought my own hopes for ever finding a relationship down a notch. Needless to say, neither of these relationships worked out for very long.

What really kills me on the inside is what happened next. Both of them turned back to their exes. Now, both of these guys were complete and total jerks. Plain and simple. Why these girls would even consider doing this is beyond me. But it kills me nonetheless.

Obviously, the question lingering inside the minds of everyone reading this is the same: Why do you care?
Well, I'm glad you asked. I care because this demonstrates and proves my point. Sure it is only two girls. But I was correct about the self-destructive cycle that these girls seem to enter into.

Now, the real question for me still remains: WHEN ARE THESE GIRLS GOING TO WAKE UP!?

Sure, I might be overreacting, but seriously... Can you really call any of this love at all? This isn't love. This is just the illusion of love. To me, for love to be true, it must be given back as well. In neither of these situations is the love going both ways. Jerks are generally incapable of returning, or even deserving the love they are given. And all of this occurs while guys with good hearts sit, wait, and wonder when the world is finally going to wake up.

If all of this is true, maybe I was correct. Maybe it is time to give up. Either way, I know I have to keep fighting the urge to do so, yet it gets harder all the time.

Time To Give Up?

I suppose now is as good a time as any to make this blog even more person. Seeing as I haven't had the time or motivation to write for a while, I suppose now is a good time to start again.

I have been in a bit of a dilemma for over a month now. The same question continues to haunt me.

.......Should I give up on love and attempt to prevent future pain?

This question comes on the heels of several recent realizations I have made. They might seem like a bunch of bogus at first glance, but after thinking about them for a while, I have realized that I have yet to see something to prove me wrong. Such realizations can be dangerous, but they can also be true. I'm still deciding whether or not to believe my own.

So, realization #1: All Girls Are The Same.
Ok, it seems like a bunch of nonsense right? I'm sure if anyone actually knew who I was, I would receive a lot of heck for saying so. But you know... I haven't seen anything to prove me wrong.
The reason behind this belief is the cycle that I see all the time. A girl talks about relationship problems. She says that she wants to finally be able to find somebody who actually cares about her and will love her on that deeper level. She fails to see that what she's looking for might not be that far away at all. And ultimately, she ends up falling for yet another jerk, and the cycle is repeated.
Sound like a familiar story? I have seen it many times. Often times, I observe from a distance. Other times, I have been directly involved, giving advice, and maybe even dropping a few hints that I might be that type of person she's looking for. Even other times, barely anything is communicated at all. I can just tell by the girl's demeanor. But it always ends the same way. Either she falls for another jerk... or abandons the concept of love entirely. The latter of which, I am strongly considering.

So, that brings us to realization #2: Maybe I'll Never Find What I'm Looking for.
Seems like a hard thing to come to terms with. Though, I never really thought that my belief in the power of love, and the power of the heart could fail... I have to admit, it has been quite shaken as of late.
A lot of it came from my recent experience with a slightly rekindled flame. A girl I had known for a while, that I have admitted I liked, seemed to come back into my life out of nowhere. I was intrigued, but kept a lock on my heart, knowing it was bound to cause trouble if I began to allow those feelings to resurface. In the end, I was able to keep them from resurfacing. I can't imagine what it would have been like if I hadn't. She ended up being someone completely different than I thought she was. And not in a good way.
And so, this experience only adds to the list of failures that continues to taint the wonderful view of love that I once had.
Besides that, I had a thought come up in my head the other day.... one that sent waves of sorrow through me. Just a simple thought about having someone there to grow up with, someone who would love and cherish you through all of life's challenges. And while there are plenty of challenges left... I realized that I have already done most of my growing up. At least, in society's terms. And the most chilling thought... I had nobody that close to my heart to share it with.

And finally, realization #3: Giving Up Could Be An Option.
The keyword here is COULD. I haven't decided what the heck I'm going to do. All I know is that the path I'm following is leading me nowhere. And I'm certainly not going to change who I am. So, what options does that leave me? Either I can continue on the path I have been following... Or I can follow the lonely, yet safe path offered by the love-less route.

And my current realization, #4: I'll Have To Think About It Some More.
Yeah, I'm not going to jump to any conclusions. It is probably a safe idea to keep thinking about it. And even then... is it really possible to give up on love? I suppose only time will tell.