Sorry about the time between posts here. Between school, work, and the holidays, I have been incredibly busy. Hopefully I will be able to post more frequently once the holidays have passed.
Recently, I have been seeing a lot more of this. Perhaps I just notice it more because I’m looking for it, though that is beside the point.
Have you ever seen someone in a nightmare relationship? It seems like a similar story every time. Someone you know is in a relationship with someone who has a tendency to treat them like dirt. You really want to ask them the obvious question: “Why do you stay with that person?” But something tells you to leave well enough alone. Or perhaps you do ask, but the answer is the same every time. “I love him/her.”
Sound familiar? It is all too familiar to many people. I have seen a lot of this, and I’ve decided to take another look at it. Let me share a story.
Back in high school I used to sit by this girl in one of my classes. We would have some interesting conversations, and she often talked about her relationship with her boyfriend. Some of the terrible things she told me, I will never be able to forget. She spun a tale of desperation and despair, a never-ending cycle of breakups and makeups. And while I can’t go into much more detail, I will say that I was confounded from the beginning. It took a lot not to ask her the burning question. “If he’s so unstable, why do you always get back together with him?” I didn’t bother to ask, since I already knew the answer.
Or how about a more recent story…..
Over the summer, after I had graduated high school, I got to texting with a girl from one of my senior year classes. We discussed a lot of different things, but when I asked her why she always stayed up so late, the truth about many other things came out. She told me that she only got a few hours of sleep per night. When I inquired further, she revealed that she hadn’t been eating much either. Being a bit of a health-fanatic, this worried me. She didn’t seem hesitant to tell me the reason for her purposeful starvation. Her boyfriend had called her fat. I was tempted to inquire further, but I held back. Was it possible she had misinterpreted something he said? Or had he simply told her straight up that she was too fat? Something she said the next day answered that question for me. She and I had gotten to talking about Facebook. She eventually told me that she had removed a bunch of content from her page because her boyfriend was getting upset over pictures she was posting for other people.
Yes, you read that right. He was upset over other peoples’ pictures. While this isn’t exactly a nightmare relationship from what is shown here, it really makes me wonder… Why does he get to dictate how thin you are, or what you can and can’t post on Facebook? Sure, having a few pet peeves is ok, but seriously…. Getting angry over pictures of other people? That sounds a little low. Though, as I said before, this is far from a nightmare relationship. This next story is the most recent one, and the reason for this whole article.
So, I have become really good friends with a girl I work with. She is an interesting and opinionated person, and we talk about many different things. One of the most common things we talk about is her boyfriend. I work the same job he does, and so I had thought I had gotten to know him pretty well. From my perspective, he seemed like a really nice guy. Her description of him painted him in a whole different light. For starters, she claimed he was always jealous, to the point where she could barely talk to other guys without having him chew her out for it later. She also said that he was always angry about something; that he would get up and toss objects around, scream at her, etc… According to her descriptions, he was also practically addicted to his video games. He never paid for anything, instead opting to use her money. She never wanted to make him any food because he could never decide what he wanted, and when she finally made it for him, he didn’t want it. And most recently, she told me that she hadn’t even bothered to get him a Christmas present for several reasons. First, she had no money (refer to earlier statements for the cause of this). Second, he wouldn’t appreciate it anyway. And finally, he probably hadn’t bothered to get her a gift either. Can you say…. Dysfunctional?
Now, this actually isn’t nearly as bad as it gets. I have read about many cases of violence in relationships, and I know that it can get much worse. However, this is about as bad as a non-violent relationship can get. And yet, she stays with him. Why? Perhaps I will never be able to answer that question completely, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try to figure it out. Now, I’m not trying to single girls out here. Remember, the main problem in each of these stories is the boyfriend. I will get to talking about this in a later post, but right now I’m just trying to understand why these girls opt to stay with guys like these.
So what about the obvious answer? If you were to ask any of them, I could easily tell you what they would say: “Because I love him.” Seems like a simple answer right? The question I really want to ask is: WHY do you love him? Especially when he treats you like that?
I have found a pretty simple answer from an all-too-common source: Facebook. Just the other day, I saw a “like” page entitled: Best relationship? Its when you have a hundred reasons to leave him/her u’d still look for the ONE reason to fight for him/her. I was tempted to like it, but I decided not to. No matter how noble it might sound, I still don’t believe that one right makes up for one hundred wrongs. To me, that’s like saying, “its ok for him/her to treat me like a jerk 23 ½ hours out of the day because I’ll just live for that ½ hour that he/she doesn’t treat me that way.”
I realize that nobody is perfect. This is a simple fact of life. But in each of these stories, the last one especially, it seemed like there was more harm than good being done in those relationships. A relationship should be fun and exciting, not dreary and degrading.
To me, love represents two people’s hearts being connected by an incredibly strong bond. However, for things to work out, that bond has to be strong both ways. This means that BOTH people should, at the very least, treat each other with compassion, respect, and love. All of the stories I told earlier had something in common. This was the lack of respect, compassion, and love that the boyfriends had. Does that sound like a healthy love to you? I will not disagree with the fact that being in a relationship means forgiving some flaws. However, when one person is being treated like dirt, this is more than a flaw. If that person really loved you, would they treat you that way?
Situations like these are becoming like an epidemic. And the people involved don’t even know how much they are being wronged until they have wasted years of their lives forgiving someone who never loved them back. If you are in a similar situation, come to your senses! My hope is that, having wrote this, I will now have the courage to speak up to the girl I mentioned earlier. Perhaps I will be able to save several years of her life.
A bit of a side note here.... A day after I posted this, the girl from work whom I mentioned earlier told me she finally broke up with him. Hmmm, perhaps I am psychic. Nah, it is probably completely unrelated. But you still gotta gve me credit for seeing and predicting. Either way, she ended up wasting four years of her life on that loser. She knowingly admits that. Anyways, the point doesn't change. Don't be the one who wastes four years of his/her life on someone who could care less.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
The Key to Attraction?
Ok, so….. I had other plans for starting off this blog, but I have decided that this is far more interesting. So here is the opening story.
Just last night, I was searching the internet when I caught sight of an odd advertisement. It read something like this: “TIRED OF ALWAYS LOSING TO THE BAD BOYS?” I couldn’t help but click on it to see what came up. Of course, it was a website dedicated to an e-book written by a man who had apparently been losing to said “bad boys” all his life. He claimed that he had spent several years researching the methods behind attracting women. I was half tempted to close out of that page immediately, but he had several sample articles from his book available free of charge. So I decided “What the heck?” and clicked on one of them. From that moment, I was engulfed in a new contradiction that probably beats many of the others I had planned to include in this blog.
Now, I have a tendency to read a lot of online articles concerning love and relationships. And usually, when I start reading them, I have a difficult time stopping. This was no exception. Before I knew it, I had read every sample article on his website, and several others from different websites. I know this sounds pretty pathetic, but bear with me. It didn’t take long for me to uncover a common theme of psychology that all of these articles, concerning methods to attract women, had in common. We all want what we can’t have. It is an interesting statement; one that I’ll admit does make some sense.
Each of the articles went on to explain that one of the most common mistakes men make when trying to attract women, is that they try too hard, usually by heaping the girl with attention and affection. At first, I didn’t get it. How could that be wrong? The articles continued by saying that women are attracted by a challenge. Guys who give everything from the start don’t present much of a challenge. Therefore, there is a fine balance one must find between giving too much and giving too little. This is where I found my question. Is there really a formula that can be used to attract members of the opposite sex? Or is it all in the heart like I previously believed?
The articles said that too much attention and affection could push the guy who was giving it into the girl‘s “friend zone,” a term I’m sure many are familiar with. I’ll elaborate more about my frustrations with the “friend zone” later, though I won’t deny its existence. So what was the answer these articles gave? They all stated that you need to become a challenge for these women. Give them just enough attention to let them know you are interested, but not nearly enough to quench their thirst for attention. Or give them the attention they are looking for, but only for a short period of time, then withdraw most of it, both methods making them work to get your affection.
Once again, I was torn between being offended that anyone would imply that such a formula for creating attraction exists, and being drawn in by it. After all, my own success in the past has been more than a little limited. Furthermore, my heart seemed to be in conflict with my mind. My mind tells me that the psychology involved in these articles makes perfect sense. Besides, why shouldn’t I trust the people who wrote them? They probably have 100 times more experience with this stuff than I do. Meanwhile, my heart tells me that there can’t possibly be an all-powerful formula for attraction.
I can actually back that up with a bit of the minimal experience I DO have. During what I consider to be the great tragedy of my high school years, I unknowingly used several of these techniques on the girl I liked then. I know for sure I created plenty of mystery and challenge, even though I wasn’t doing it consciously. And yet it failed. Miserably. It has become a classic case of heart vs. mind.
Another ironic twist that placed me further from these methods comes when the author of most of the articles I read explained his methods of research. He said he spent an enormous amount of time observing these exact “bad boys” whom had been surrounded by women all their lives despite their less-than-acceptable lifestyles and bad habits. He states that these guys didn’t seem to care about much of anything, and that this uncaring attitude seemed to be what generated a lot of attraction from women.
All I can think about is how disgusting and unfair that really is. But it actually explains a lot. Why else would those types of guys end up with more girls than they can handle? It does bring up another point though. Should we really be so eager to imitate them? I don’t think so, but if that is truly what it takes to get members of the opposite sex to like you, perhaps it is worth a thought.
In order to make sense of all this, I ended up dividing attraction into two key parts. There is basic attraction, which might be possible to explain psychologically. And then, there is love, which I personally believe will never be explained through any humanly means. Sure, you can go through the psychology of love, and even the chemistry, with all these different chemicals in the brain and nerve endings. But I believe the heart is too unpredictable to be explained by any means on this earth.
So which part are these articles directed at generating? The answer should be obvious. Basic attraction might very well be possible to figure out, and even attain with the right methods. I’m still undecided as to whether I believe the methods stated in these articles actually work or not, but I do agree with them on one key point. Love cannot be found without some means of attraction. Do these methods really work on 99.9% of women like the articles claim? Perhaps I will never know. I’m not exactly eager to go around testing them for a simple reason.
In the dead center of all these articles, there was one really short article that stood out. It didn’t support its methods with psychology or experience, only backed them up with statements I have known and supported since I became aware of the concept of relationships. That particular article could have been summed up in only two words: BE YOURSELF. I actually pumped my fist and said “Amen brother!” when I read that particular article. Those words summarize my own theories regarding attraction.
The articles do have an argument for this as well. A few of them took the time to mention that you should never attempt to become someone other than who you truly are, but added that the crucial element is confidence. They went on to elaborate about how your current personality, along with some added confidence, can go a long way. One of them mentioned nervousness and overthinking as some of the top mistakes most men make, and that these particular mistakes can be avoided by gaining confidence. While that is easier said than done, I can’t fault the logic here.
So what is there to be gained from all this? To be honest, I can’t say I’ve gained much, because I might never get a chance to use many of the techniques talked about in these articles. Plus, I still haven’t decided whether I want to trust those methods or not. There is one thing I will walk away with though. When it comes to generating attraction, confidence is king. That is something I believe everyone, even the girls who are reading this and rolling their eyes, can gain from this. Be confident in the person you are, and you are bound to find what you are looking for eventually.
Just last night, I was searching the internet when I caught sight of an odd advertisement. It read something like this: “TIRED OF ALWAYS LOSING TO THE BAD BOYS?” I couldn’t help but click on it to see what came up. Of course, it was a website dedicated to an e-book written by a man who had apparently been losing to said “bad boys” all his life. He claimed that he had spent several years researching the methods behind attracting women. I was half tempted to close out of that page immediately, but he had several sample articles from his book available free of charge. So I decided “What the heck?” and clicked on one of them. From that moment, I was engulfed in a new contradiction that probably beats many of the others I had planned to include in this blog.
Now, I have a tendency to read a lot of online articles concerning love and relationships. And usually, when I start reading them, I have a difficult time stopping. This was no exception. Before I knew it, I had read every sample article on his website, and several others from different websites. I know this sounds pretty pathetic, but bear with me. It didn’t take long for me to uncover a common theme of psychology that all of these articles, concerning methods to attract women, had in common. We all want what we can’t have. It is an interesting statement; one that I’ll admit does make some sense.
Each of the articles went on to explain that one of the most common mistakes men make when trying to attract women, is that they try too hard, usually by heaping the girl with attention and affection. At first, I didn’t get it. How could that be wrong? The articles continued by saying that women are attracted by a challenge. Guys who give everything from the start don’t present much of a challenge. Therefore, there is a fine balance one must find between giving too much and giving too little. This is where I found my question. Is there really a formula that can be used to attract members of the opposite sex? Or is it all in the heart like I previously believed?
The articles said that too much attention and affection could push the guy who was giving it into the girl‘s “friend zone,” a term I’m sure many are familiar with. I’ll elaborate more about my frustrations with the “friend zone” later, though I won’t deny its existence. So what was the answer these articles gave? They all stated that you need to become a challenge for these women. Give them just enough attention to let them know you are interested, but not nearly enough to quench their thirst for attention. Or give them the attention they are looking for, but only for a short period of time, then withdraw most of it, both methods making them work to get your affection.
Once again, I was torn between being offended that anyone would imply that such a formula for creating attraction exists, and being drawn in by it. After all, my own success in the past has been more than a little limited. Furthermore, my heart seemed to be in conflict with my mind. My mind tells me that the psychology involved in these articles makes perfect sense. Besides, why shouldn’t I trust the people who wrote them? They probably have 100 times more experience with this stuff than I do. Meanwhile, my heart tells me that there can’t possibly be an all-powerful formula for attraction.
I can actually back that up with a bit of the minimal experience I DO have. During what I consider to be the great tragedy of my high school years, I unknowingly used several of these techniques on the girl I liked then. I know for sure I created plenty of mystery and challenge, even though I wasn’t doing it consciously. And yet it failed. Miserably. It has become a classic case of heart vs. mind.
Another ironic twist that placed me further from these methods comes when the author of most of the articles I read explained his methods of research. He said he spent an enormous amount of time observing these exact “bad boys” whom had been surrounded by women all their lives despite their less-than-acceptable lifestyles and bad habits. He states that these guys didn’t seem to care about much of anything, and that this uncaring attitude seemed to be what generated a lot of attraction from women.
All I can think about is how disgusting and unfair that really is. But it actually explains a lot. Why else would those types of guys end up with more girls than they can handle? It does bring up another point though. Should we really be so eager to imitate them? I don’t think so, but if that is truly what it takes to get members of the opposite sex to like you, perhaps it is worth a thought.
In order to make sense of all this, I ended up dividing attraction into two key parts. There is basic attraction, which might be possible to explain psychologically. And then, there is love, which I personally believe will never be explained through any humanly means. Sure, you can go through the psychology of love, and even the chemistry, with all these different chemicals in the brain and nerve endings. But I believe the heart is too unpredictable to be explained by any means on this earth.
So which part are these articles directed at generating? The answer should be obvious. Basic attraction might very well be possible to figure out, and even attain with the right methods. I’m still undecided as to whether I believe the methods stated in these articles actually work or not, but I do agree with them on one key point. Love cannot be found without some means of attraction. Do these methods really work on 99.9% of women like the articles claim? Perhaps I will never know. I’m not exactly eager to go around testing them for a simple reason.
In the dead center of all these articles, there was one really short article that stood out. It didn’t support its methods with psychology or experience, only backed them up with statements I have known and supported since I became aware of the concept of relationships. That particular article could have been summed up in only two words: BE YOURSELF. I actually pumped my fist and said “Amen brother!” when I read that particular article. Those words summarize my own theories regarding attraction.
The articles do have an argument for this as well. A few of them took the time to mention that you should never attempt to become someone other than who you truly are, but added that the crucial element is confidence. They went on to elaborate about how your current personality, along with some added confidence, can go a long way. One of them mentioned nervousness and overthinking as some of the top mistakes most men make, and that these particular mistakes can be avoided by gaining confidence. While that is easier said than done, I can’t fault the logic here.
So what is there to be gained from all this? To be honest, I can’t say I’ve gained much, because I might never get a chance to use many of the techniques talked about in these articles. Plus, I still haven’t decided whether I want to trust those methods or not. There is one thing I will walk away with though. When it comes to generating attraction, confidence is king. That is something I believe everyone, even the girls who are reading this and rolling their eyes, can gain from this. Be confident in the person you are, and you are bound to find what you are looking for eventually.
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