I'm sure many have heard the song "Faithfully," sung by the band Journey, and used at many events like weddings and dances to emphasise devotion between couples. However, recent events will make it difficult to listen to that song with a straight face ever again.
This is because one of the band members who performs it obviously doesn't believe it himself.
Yes, I'm referring to the recent scandal involving Journey guitarist Neal Schon and Michaele Salahi, both of whom were recently discovered to be engaged in an adulterous relationship.
I used to love that song, and many of Journey's other hits, but like I said... I don't think I'll ever be able to listen to "Faithfully" with a straight face ever again.
I've been wanting to address the issue of infidelity on the blog for quite some time, but never really got around to making a really good concept for a post on the subject. Last night, that all changed.
I was preparing to log off of my computer and go to bed, when I decided to read the headlines one more time. I returned to Yahoo! (my homepage), and the first headline I saw was entitled "Why I Cheated on My Husband." Obviously curious, I clicked on the link, and it sent me spiraling again into the incredibly sick world of cheaters and infidelity.
I say this because the article was practically an attempt to justify such infidelity.
Before I go any further, I should probably delve a bit deeper into the aspects of cheating, and my own personal views on it.
The first major question that arises is... what exactly is cheating?
It seems one of the major issues when it comes to infidelity is the fact that many people don't have a clear-cut definition for it. Sure, sex with another person while in a relationship is obviously cheating. But what about kissing? What about flirting? What about same-sex encounters? Excuse me if I'm getting a little graphic here, but all of these are issues that I've seen people have, and there doesn't seem to be any clear definition for cheating that clears or condones these actions.
So here's my take:
Cheating is any action performed by a person in a relationship, to another person, that would normally only be reserved for the significant other in said relationship.
Several months ago, I was studying up on cheating by reading post by real people who had been cheated on. It isn't fun, but the stories can be quite interesting, especially of the cheater expects to be taken back. Anyways, I read a story on a "men only" forum somewhere about a worried guy. Apparently, his girlfriend had participated in a rather aggressive makeout session with another girl. This poor guy was looking for help and had no idea whether he should consider it cheating and break up with her, or to let it go and act like it never happened.
Just about every one of the responses was sickening.
They gave him advice like, "Dude, what are you worried about? I can only WISH my girlfriend would do something like that! Next time make sure she brings her friend over and have them do it at your place!"
Now, being a guy, I can see the sexual appeal of such actions. But unlike many other guys, I can also see the bad side to it.
The fact of the matter is, by the definition I gave, this IS cheating. No matter how much of a sexual spin you put on it, the act of kissing is usually only reserved for a significant other, and therefore, the act of kissing another person (outside of short, friendly kisses for family) is cheating.
I feel bad for the guy, because he probably ended up following the advice he got, and will ultimately end up miserable because of it. But, he probably should have realized that he wasn't going to get the best advice when he decided to ask a bunch of sex-starved college jocks for relationship advice.
Another very common question I see on relationship advice boards: "My significant other cheated on me. However, he/she was drunk at the time and claims to have had no idea what he/she was doing. Should I accept this as an excuse and take him/her back?"
Lucky for the faint of heart, I wasn't a member of those particular discussion boards.
My answer to them would be something like this:
Frankly, cheating while drunk is no different than cheating while sober. The "drunk" excuse is nothing more than that. An excuse. When it comes right down to it, cheating while drunk is still cheating. This person still committed an act of infidelity. Of course, they might not have had as much control over their actions, however, this is still not an excuse. I say this for two reasons:
1. Alcohol only loosens a person up. It doesn't control their actions. This means that it only makes a person more eager to do something they were already thinking about doing anyway. Essentially, alcohol DOESN'T plant ideas. It only makes you MORE EAGER to participate in activities you were already thinking about doing anyways.
2. If you're in a relationship with someone who is willing to drink until the point that they will readily commit infidelity, then you're in a bad relationship to begin with and should break it off as soon as possible.
As you can see, alcohol is clearly no excuse. Those who drink are well aware of the side-effects, and should be self-conscious enough to know not to enter a situation like that where they might be tempted to cheat. If they are willing to take the risk that they might cheat just to get drunk, then they probably don't value the relationship as highly as they seem to.
That brings me to the next point.
THERE ARE NO EXCUSES FOR CHEATING!
The most predictable part is; when caught, the cheater either completely ignores the situation and leaves. Or he or she makes a huge number of excuses in order to justify his or her actions.
The real question I have is... what makes anyone think that cheating is ok under any circumstances?
The article that I mentioned reading earlier seemed like something off of Cheaters. It attempted to put a "silver lining" on infidelity. That was the real part that disgusted me. If it offered stories about how people cheated and deeply regretted it, I would have been perfectly ok with that. But instead, it emphasized A SILVER LINING in every story that was offered. Now, I'm a very positive person for the most part. But I also have a sense of justice (unlike whomever wrote that article). I also know that acts of infidelity cause serious pain for everyone involved; the only exception sometimes being the cheater and the person they cheated with.
But as I said before, there are absolutely no excuses for cheating. I'll list a few of the most common excuses for cheating, and debunk them as I go along.
1. "I don't really love you anymore."
- This is probably one of the most common excuses used by people who cheat. They fall out of love with the person they're in a relationship with and instead of doing the right thing and trying to get the relationship back on track, or at least breaking it off before chasing someone else, they turn to infidelity. I have one question for these people. If you aren't in love anymore, WHY ARE YOU STILL IN A RELATIONSHIP!? At the very least, you should try to salvage your relationship. And if that doesn't work, then break it off. Especially if you are even considering cheating. Don't keep another person tied to you like that while you run around behind their back.
2. "Our relationship was too boring."
- The real thing about this one is... If your relationship is becoming too boring, you should be ready to step up and help it along. That means, suggesting new and exciting things to do, places to visit, and others. The worst thing you can do is bottle this one up and hide it from the other person. Any relationship can be revived by doing new things, and visiting new places together. And if the other person doesn't want to do any of these things, then why are you still in a relationship with them!? Cheating can be exciting in its own way, but it is fun at someone else's expense. Spare them some hurt and split the pain with them by breaking it off before you're inclined to cheat just for fun.
3. "You aren't good enough in bed." or "He/She is so much better in bed."
- If sex is your biggest priority in a relationship, I have only one thing to say to you: GROW UP! There are so many aspects to a relationship that should be prioritized over sex. I have been advocating this kind of thing since I knew what a relationship was, and that isn't about to change. If you only value sex in a relationship, then you shouldn't even be considering anything serious. Make sure your values are clear to the other person before even getting into a relationship. And if you are the type of person that is willing to cheat because someone else is better at sex, then you need to have your heart broken a few times by someone who shares those values. I guarantee that those who value sex highest in a relationship are doomed to failure until they realize what is truly important. Ok, I'm done rambling. On to the next excuse!
4. "You are never there for me when I need you."
- This one can mean many different things. Perhaps the person that is being addressed here has a tough job and is never physically around. Or perhaps he/she is around physically, but never wants to be there for their significant other. Whatever the case, this is still no excuse. If you need the other person to be there for you more than they are, make sure to talk it through with them. If you can't come to an agreement, break it off before even considering infidelity. Plain and simple.
5. "I thought you would change."
- This is another one that really eats at me personally, and is especially prominent amongst females. The fact of the matter is, one should never go into a relationship assuming they can change someone, or that someone will change over time. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but assuming that it will is an easy way to get your heart broken. A majority of people don't change, and in fact, will resent any attempt to change them. So, in summary, don't assume you can change someone. If they require changing to live up to your expectations, don't even consider a relationship with them in the first place.
6. "I don't know why I did it, it was just so sudden, I have issues, it's not you, its me, etc...."
- These are what I refer to as the "Its my fault excuses." And granted, these are better than the previous excuses for the simple reason that the cheater is admitting blame instead of dumping it on someone else. But they are still just that. Excuses. Any person who uses these excuses still doesn't deserve to be in a relationship. Neither does anyone who cheats. No matter what the reason, cheating is cheating. And no matter what happens, someone gets hurt.
7. "We were just friends."
- Ah yes, the "just friends" excuse. This one is used more and more, especially when the cheater suspects there is no evidence against them. They say that the person they cheated with is just a friend. The fact of the matter is, by the definition I gave earlier, if you commit an act towards another person that you normally reserve only for your significant other, then you are cheating. Therefore, it does not matter what the person you cheated with is to you. If you cheated, you cheated. And as I have been saying this whole time... THERE ARE NO EXCUSES.
Besides the few that I listed and debunked, there are countless more excuses people use to justify cheating. However, they all follow the same pattern: none of them actually justify infidelity at all.
After going back through my list, several things jumped out at me that really stand out in making cheating impossible to justify.
First, if you are unhappy in a relationship, talk it over.
Second, if step one doesn't solve anything, it might be time to break it off.
If you are miserable in a relationship, don't hide it, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! If you instead turn to infidelity and dishonesty to make the relationship better, you are hurting everyone around you, not to mention yourself. It is also a good idea to try and avoid situations where you might be tempted to cheat. Common sense right?
I can't forget about those who cheat and hide it. Quite frankly, I can't respect those people either. First of all, you can't bottle something like that up forever. The longer you keep it hidden, the more guilt eats at you. And while it might ruin your relationship, the other person deserves to know. Otherwise, your relationship is suddenly based on secrets and lies. It is understandable why some people hide it, often to protect their significant others from heartbreak. But as I said, this will quickly become unbearable for the one holding it in. And it isn't fair to the other person that you keep it secret. If you've done something terrible, you need to come clean and admit it. Then they'll be able to decide what is best for them, instead of you deciding for them.
Any way you paint it, cheating is by far the worst sin you can commit while in a relationship.
But what about taking back a cheater?
I talked a little about it earlier, but wasn't able to go into much detail. What if you're in a relationship, and your significant other cheats... then wants to be taken back?
This is one of the toughest questions to ask.
Many people say, no, one should never take back a cheater. I'm sure we've all heard the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater."
Many others say, yes, if you truly love that person to begin with, you'll be willing to admit they made a mistake and give them a second chance.
As for me, I'm probably one of the "one strike: you're out!" types. I say this because all relationships are based upon trust. When that trust is shattered, like glass, it can be put back together. But it will never be the same, always filled with rifts and cracks. Once that trust is broken, a relationship will never feel the same.
I can make a few arguments for taking cheaters back as well, but they don't hold as much sway as what I just said. Either way, whether or not a heartbroken person should take back a cheater often depends on the person. And besides that, if the cheater wants to be taken back, they should not only be fully sorry for what happened, but should also be practically willing to beg you to take them back. If not, then they probably don't care as much and should be left to their own devices. They should also be willing to cut all contact with the person they cheated with, WITHOUT QUESTION. Unfortunately, this process involves setting ultimatums, which never help any situation. Which is another reason why I usually encourage people to cut their losses and end the relationship right there. Counseling is always an option, but I'm of the opinion that, if one person cheated, THEY should be the ones in counseling. Not both of you. Because, no matter how much the cheater may try to paint it as the fault of both, the fact of the matter is, the only fault belongs to the cheater.
Going back to the article I mentioned at the beginning, I also don't believe in happy endings for cheaters.
The article includes a story about a woman. She was married with two kids, but felt like she didn't fit in her marriage. Then, she met a man from Australia. The two became good friends, but he had to go back to his home country. She eventually decided to go and visit him there in order to "get him out of her system," but instead fell in love. The article then claims that she is now happily married to the Australian man, and feels like she fits in perfectly.
Any first reactions? Mine was nausea. Then anger. Then downright disgust for any cheater who claims to have a happy ending. The fact of the matter is, in order for a cheater to have a happy ending, they often have to leave a path of destruction in their wake. Didn't I mention the article said she had TWO KIDS!? While trying to paint that story in a positive light, the article failed to mention what happened to her husband and two poor kids she deserted so she could be happy. Do I need to mention the selfishness here? She essentially destroyed her family so she could run off with some bimbo from Australia.
And besides that point, can a cheater ever really be happy? They might claim to be in the perfect relationship, but in my opinion, no relationship forged by infidelity can ever be perfect. In the back of the cheater's mind and heart, the guilt will always be there. They might try to justify it to themselves, but that shard of guilt will always be there, wearing away at them. And the person they cheated with? He or she might claim that the person they are with is perfect, but in the back of their minds and hearts, they will always be slightly suspicious. After all... if a person has cheated once, what is stopping them from doing it again?
The same goes for Neal Schon and Michaele Salahi. No matter how much they claim to be perfect for one another, there will always be the shadow of infidelity lingering there. This shadow, forged by the adulterous ways in which their relationship was created, will never truly leave. Nor will the scars that are created within the heart by infidelity.
The article also tries to argue that infidelity often causes people to become more open in a relationship; that it causes them to become more able to get what they want from a relationship, and ultimately makes them more happy. I couldn't disagree more. Sure, it might indeed help people to open up a bit more, and attempt to get more out of a relationship. But at what cost? Nothing is worth the betrayal and deception that go along with committing the ultimate relationship sin.
In the end, there are no silver linings to infidelity. Only hatred, pain, and broken hearts.
