I do realize it has been some time. The blog has been untouched for some time, mostly because of the fact that I have had little to write about. Perhaps that isn't entirely true. I've had many things to write about, but some things are difficult to even put into words. Aside from that, I've been working on other writing projects.
However, there are some things that shouldn't go unsaid. I have found myself drawn back to writing for this blog. Especially in light of recent events that have really caused me to question people in general, and of course, love.
As usual, I find myself on the losing end of the great thing that we all call love. Failed attempts, betrayals, and the like can cause one's newfound hope to fade quickly. While I shouldn't go into detail, I once again find my hope fading. It seems like everyone else, girls especially, are all the same.
There have been several different things that have gotten to me lately. As I mentioned before, I won't go into extreme detail, as that would only cause problems. However, the first of these is difficult to explain. I've found someone whom others claim would be a perfect match for me. I believe I've mentioned it in previous posts. Anyways, from the little I know of her, she seems like a good person. The problem is, I feel absolutely neutral toward her. I know I should probably be falling for her, but my heart seems to be incredibly opposed to that.
I have some ideas about why, and they have to do with personality. I have discovered that I value a person's ability to be a bit spontaneous, perhaps more than I realized. It would keep things fresh and interesting. Perhaps that, and several other things are holding me back from discovering feelings for her. Either way, it crosses my mind all the time.
The second thing that has been getting me lately is the feeling of betrayal. It is the most recent development in a series of events that had first given me hope, then destroyed it. I won't go into any more detail than the fact that I now know, without a doubt, that there are people out there who can be quite dangerous. Despite the fact that I would never believe what other people said about her constantly, she proved it all right. Not to mention, lying to me about it in the process.
Hence, the feeling of betrayal. Alongside the feeling of desertion, betrayal is one of the worst feelings ever. I keep telling myself that I'm probably overreacting, but I can't shake the feeling that there is something more to what is going on. And while I'm fighting the loss of hope with all I've got, it continues to slip away as I continue to realize just how hopeless my situation actually is.
And, to make matters worse, another person that I used to have feelings for has re-entered my life, but under the strangest of circumstances. She randomly contacted me again, after several months of total silence between us. Implying she had something to talk to me about, she baited me into telling her a lot more that I should have. Even after that, she still won't tell me what she initially wanted to say. Even though I already know what she is hiding, and understand why she is hiding it, I can't help but feel played yet again. In response, I plan to push whatever is left of her out of my heart. Something I know how to do only too well. And this time, I have no doubt it is the best thing to do.
Anyways, enough of my rambling randomly about my problems. The biggest part of a problem is the solution. I've been contemplating doing something I had previously considered off-limits. Not because I believed it was bad, but because I wasn't sure I trusted it. I won't reveal what it is until I've come closer to a decision on whether or not it would really be a valuable tool in my search for someone who is genuinely different.
Either way, I need to find some source of hope soon. In all of my searching for someone different, I have only ever found one person with a heart like that. And even then, that situation is more complicated than any of the others I've mentioned. Though perhaps, she is more of a hope to me than anyone else.
With all of this, I've found a lot of solace in my hobbies, such as writing this blog. I will not allow myself to stop making myself a better person just because some others just don't care.
