I suppose now is as good a time as any to make this blog even more person. Seeing as I haven't had the time or motivation to write for a while, I suppose now is a good time to start again.
I have been in a bit of a dilemma for over a month now. The same question continues to haunt me.
.......Should I give up on love and attempt to prevent future pain?
This question comes on the heels of several recent realizations I have made. They might seem like a bunch of bogus at first glance, but after thinking about them for a while, I have realized that I have yet to see something to prove me wrong. Such realizations can be dangerous, but they can also be true. I'm still deciding whether or not to believe my own.
So, realization #1: All Girls Are The Same.
Ok, it seems like a bunch of nonsense right? I'm sure if anyone actually knew who I was, I would receive a lot of heck for saying so. But you know... I haven't seen anything to prove me wrong.
The reason behind this belief is the cycle that I see all the time. A girl talks about relationship problems. She says that she wants to finally be able to find somebody who actually cares about her and will love her on that deeper level. She fails to see that what she's looking for might not be that far away at all. And ultimately, she ends up falling for yet another jerk, and the cycle is repeated.
Sound like a familiar story? I have seen it many times. Often times, I observe from a distance. Other times, I have been directly involved, giving advice, and maybe even dropping a few hints that I might be that type of person she's looking for. Even other times, barely anything is communicated at all. I can just tell by the girl's demeanor. But it always ends the same way. Either she falls for another jerk... or abandons the concept of love entirely. The latter of which, I am strongly considering.
So, that brings us to realization #2: Maybe I'll Never Find What I'm Looking for.
Seems like a hard thing to come to terms with. Though, I never really thought that my belief in the power of love, and the power of the heart could fail... I have to admit, it has been quite shaken as of late.
A lot of it came from my recent experience with a slightly rekindled flame. A girl I had known for a while, that I have admitted I liked, seemed to come back into my life out of nowhere. I was intrigued, but kept a lock on my heart, knowing it was bound to cause trouble if I began to allow those feelings to resurface. In the end, I was able to keep them from resurfacing. I can't imagine what it would have been like if I hadn't. She ended up being someone completely different than I thought she was. And not in a good way.
And so, this experience only adds to the list of failures that continues to taint the wonderful view of love that I once had.
Besides that, I had a thought come up in my head the other day.... one that sent waves of sorrow through me. Just a simple thought about having someone there to grow up with, someone who would love and cherish you through all of life's challenges. And while there are plenty of challenges left... I realized that I have already done most of my growing up. At least, in society's terms. And the most chilling thought... I had nobody that close to my heart to share it with.
And finally, realization #3: Giving Up Could Be An Option.
The keyword here is COULD. I haven't decided what the heck I'm going to do. All I know is that the path I'm following is leading me nowhere. And I'm certainly not going to change who I am. So, what options does that leave me? Either I can continue on the path I have been following... Or I can follow the lonely, yet safe path offered by the love-less route.
And my current realization, #4: I'll Have To Think About It Some More.
Yeah, I'm not going to jump to any conclusions. It is probably a safe idea to keep thinking about it. And even then... is it really possible to give up on love? I suppose only time will tell.
