I'm not even going to mention how long it's been since I last posted. Since I do that every time, I'm just going to skip it and pretend like I posted just yesterday.
Since last time, I have fallen even more behind in my search for that one thing that could make me whole. Love seemingly isn't supposed to be a part of my life, or so it seems. So perhaps, that feeling of hopelessness is finally getting to me. It seems I've struck out one too many times when it comes to finding someone willing to love me for who I am, and who I can love the same way. It just seems sometimes like love just doesn't operate that way any more. It is always about looks and catchy personalities, but never about what matters most.
I won't say I didn't try. Sure, I didn't chase every girl I met; but the few I did chase weren't capable of loving me for me. And it tears me apart to think about. Just the other day, I saw an article on a new website entitled: "Why you're still single." Obviously curious, I opened it, but was very disappointed with the content. It only told me things I've known for a long time; Things that I know I've addressed. After I closed it, I was left with that empty feeling inside.
And it isn't like I didn't try to do things the normal way. I asked several girls on dates, only to be disappointed every time. Whether it was through rejection, or through the sad details of the aftermath of otherwise good dates, I just seem to be let down every time. Just the other day, I heard a girl I work with talking about how she doesn't do the dating scene. She said that it just wasn't for her. Perhaps I'm the same way. Maybe the dating scene just isn't for me. I've always tried to avoid getting sucked in by it. To me, it has never really seemed real. And these recent experiences only seem to back that up.
Even back when I was in love with that girl in high school, I was still the same way. I avoided the dating scene like the plague. Even then, it just didn't seem real enough. It was the reason I decided not to ask her out. If I was going to ask her out, I wanted the feeling to be mutual, not something I would have to attempt to produce. Besides, the pressure of having to impress someone seems like too much for me. If I was going to have someone fall for me, I would want it to be for who I am naturally, not because I was allowing myself to be overaggressive. And even with me taking my time, I think I probably always come across as too aggressive anyway.
So if the dating scene isn't for me, than where do I belong?
A friend of mine recently recommended online dating. I had been thinking about that for a while, and I have always been slightly unsure. While it seems like a good idea at first, there are several concerns that I would have with it.
First, I would have to pay to get into any good dating site. Now, I know the response to this. There are plenty of free sites out there. But from what I've seen, most of those sites are crap, for the same reason that I would consider them: They are free. That in itself promotes a large number of inactive and spammer accounts. A majority of the accounts that exist on those sites are probably inactive, and most of the remaining accounts are probably spammers. Not to mention the number of actually genuine accounts that are probably set up just to browse the market, not to actually be serious about finding someone. So I would have to sort through all of that nonsense just to begin my search. Now, I'm not trying to be a penny-pincher or anything. And what I'm saying here about having to pay to get on a good site might come across as such. After all, most people are all in favor of sparing no expense when it comes to love. However, it just doesn't seem quite right to me, having to pay money just to have a hope of meeting someone. Not to mention, 10-15 dollars per month adds up pretty quickly. Despite all of that, if I was to date online, it would have to be through a site that I trust.
Second, I have concerns about many of the people that use online dating in general. I have read into online dating, and there are a couple of things in particular that stand out about the people that use it. The main thing is that many of them are expecting to find someone who is perfect from head to toe, inside and out. Now, if I know anything about this world, it is that nobody is perfect. That includes me. However, I can safely assume that looks make up a large portion of that "perfection" that they're seeking. Those types of unrealistic expectations could really kill any hope of actually finding someone. I mean, people who have the looks usually don't have to try and find someone anyway. So, those people who are using online dating to try and find other who have the bods of gods probably need a bit of a reality check.
Finally, I'm concerned that it might turn out to be no different from the normal dating scene. If that is the case, then all of it would be just a waste of time. After all, that is what I would be trying to avoid.
Despite all of my concerns, I am still on the fence. To try it or not? Maybe I will, once I get an ounce of confidence back.
Aside from the slight bit of hope that I put into the online dating thing, I have to say, most of the hope that I once carried has been stripped away. I might be finally coming to accept the fact that I might never find what I'm looking for. Sure, it would be tragic, but we don't live in a fairytale, where everyone except the bad guys get a happy ending. This is real life, and perhaps not everyone is destined for that happy ending we all long for. That goes especially for someone like me.
In the meantime, I'll continue to do what I've pledged to do. And that is, to help other people as much as I can. Even if it means hiding behind fake smiles and mock happiness.
