So, I've been choked out of writing a lot lately. Its been a while since I got a chance to post on the blog. Finals are right around the corner at school, and work is crazy with the holiday season in full swing. I have no more excuses. Just enjoy this. And don't forget to take it to heart, as always.
Once again, I have found another controversy on Facebook. I know, much of what I write about is inspired by things that I read on that site. Either way, a place like that which brings together so many ideas from so many people is actually a really good source of inspiration.
Once again, I came across a "like" on Facebook that made me want to pull my hair out. It was entitled something like "Girls stay with jerks because they hope that someday they'll change." Sounds like a pretty noble statement, and perhaps steps on a lot of what I've been saying here in this blog. But wait just a darn minute! A lot like many things, ahem, this statement might appear to be a perfect and deep explanation at first glance. But give it another read, and think about it really hard. Like many things that look good on the surface, this one is actually not quite so noble underneath.
So, what am I going after here? I'm attacking something that might actually inspire the practice of staying with jerks, something that is a pet peeve of mine. Perhaps even more so, I'm going after a statement that encourages two separate injustices in relationships.
But what about that statement is bad? For those of you still wondering, think about it again. It is essentially encouraging people to stay in bad relationships because of who they hope the other person could become. Not because of who he/she really is. Now, this particular page is directed primarily toward girls, but can easily go both ways. After all, I have known guys to do the same. So what is wrong with this? I see it two ways, one from each side.
First, it is unfair to the person who holds out hope.
Granted, hope itself is never a bad thing. Basing a relationship on hope that someone will change is. The fact of the matter is, people don't change easily. Sure, it happens, but not that often. False hope is the easiest way to a broken heart. Especially when that hope rests on someone else changing.
It also robs that person of the ability to have a truly fulfilling relationship. It is hard to feel truly fulfilled in a relationship when you want the other person to become someone different. Sure, there will be people out there who claim they're perfectly content, and even overjoyed in a relationship with some jerk that they're holding out hope for. But the fact of the matter is, have these people felt what it is truly like to be in a REAL relationship where both people love one another for who they are? Okay, I haven't, so I'm not going to pretend I'm the expert. But still... if you only give it some deeper thought, I'm sure your heart will tell you the same thing.
That said, I won't disagree that overlooking flaws is a crucial part of a relationship. However, there is a line drawn there. There is an often hazy line between overlooking flaws... and flat out ignoring them. It is important to have values when it comes to a person's heart. Simple flaws like mistakes and bad habits can be lived with. However, flaws with the heart, such as outright disrespect for other people, are often overlooked, and really shouldn't be. Those are the types of flaws that ought to encourage others to stay away, not be drawn to the source like they usually are.
At the same time, it is perhaps even more unfair to the person who is expected to change.
Perhaps "expected" isn't the right word, but it seemed to fit. Either way, it is probably even more unfair to the other person.
First of all, just about anybody in a relationship, good or otherwise, will tell you that they expect one thing from a relationship: to be loved for who they are. How can one say that they love their partner in a relationship if they are secretly (or otherwise) holding out hope that the other will change. Sure, it is one thing to ask for another person to change things like lifestyle, habits, and some others. However, the limits shouldn't be pushed, and furthermore, asking or hoping that another will change who they are is like a slap in the face. And by "who they are," I'm talking about who they are at heart. I know that if I was in a relationship, and the other person asked me to change, for instance, the fact that I am shy. I would be pretty upset and put off by that. Not to mention that I would lose a bit of trust that the other person does actually love me for who I am. Now, being shy and being a jerk in some way, shape, or form are completely different things. But at the same time, they are parts of who any person is at heart.
Essentially, if you don't like them for who they are at the beginning, a relationship should be the farthest thing from your mind.
As I mentioned before, people have to choose to change on their own. A person who is asked to change usually only becomes more resistant to change. It is a decision which only ONE person can make. And it has to be a decision that said person approves of. Otherwise, it is only bound to fail.
And that brings me to another important point.
It is okay to hope that another person will change. But doing so during a relationship is unfair to both involved.
And I couldn't help but throw this in there but... it is also unfair to others. Okay, I might be taking it a bit far here, but thanks to what I've seen and experienced, I have to say something.
It is unfair to those others who would provide a more secure and stable relationship. What are they getting for their efforts? It seems a bit unfair that those who are truly good people are shunned, while those who would make a good match for them are too busy hoping that a bad person will change their ways to notice.
Even worse is when I hear people complain about it. I am always hearing (mostly girls) complaining about the flaws of guys like these. Especially in the aftermath of a particularly bad relationship, I catch these people wondering where all the good people are in the world. I hold my tongue, but at the same time, my head is screaming: "YOU MISSED 'EM ALL BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO BUSY WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO COME AROUND!"
Even worse are those people who go into a relationship intending to change someone. Once again, the prime culprits here are girls (hey, just from my point of view), who seem to take changing a bad boy as a challenge. And we all know who will lose in the end. I won't go any farther into this one, because based on what I have already said, I don't think this deserves any more explanation.
Once again, people can and do change. But it is rare. And at the same time, going into a relationship with someone you want to change is unfair to both people involved, and perhaps many more. All I am trying to get at here is the fact that far too many people enter into relationships without looking deeper, and understanding the difference between a good heart and a bad heart. But then, do any of us? All I can do is trust my heart to tell me what to look for and what to be careful of.
