"He and I are close, but I wouldn't even think about dating him!"
These words have been uttered by so many girls I know. And while I usually observe such stuff from a distance, it has brought to the forefront in my mind recently, because I have been asked for advice by several people who have come to a similar point. I have posted about it in my blog before, but perhaps I should revisit this particular argument, especially since I have been thinking about it a lot lately.
For those who have read my previous post about the "friend zone," you already know whats coming. I have never believed that it should exist.
There are plenty of people who agree with me. There are far too many people who have been rejected because the other person claims they are too close to that person to risk a relationship. What? Did I hear that right? TOO CLOSE? Isn't that what relationships are about?
With that said, I'll get to some of the questions I was asked.
First off, one of the more recent occurrences involving someone I know closely was rather disturbing. She asked me what to do if a guy cried about not being able to spend much time with her. I (assuming she was talking about her boyfriend) told her to take that as a good sign that he was able to open up around her, and not to put it off as weak, the way she had been doing. I'm not sure if I would be able to open up that way to anybody, so anyone who is on the receiving end of a guy showing weakness like that should know that it is also a sign of significant trust.
It was then that she also decided to drop the bombshell. It wasn't her boyfriend she was talking about. It was instead a guy who had been her friend for a long time. She also mentioned that he had liked her for several years now.
Of course, I immediately told her not to simply write him off. She mentioned that she would never like him that way. And so, I was delved back into the realm of the friend zone, as I like to call it.
Prior to that, one of my friends asked me for some advice regarding guys. As usual, one of the biggest pieces of advice I always offer was first: Don't count anyone out. Always keep an open mind. She was accepting of this, and unlike many, actually understood what I was saying. But she also made an interesting point. She mentioned the fact that she had dated within the tight-knit group of friends, and had several relationships that had failed.
Both have an interesting story, and I will address them both in turn.
For the first one, I was a bit surprised at her lack of compassion for this poor guy that she had obviously ignored. Now granted, she also mentioned that she is currently in a new relationship and wants him to move on. That isn't what gets me about this situation, because I agree with it. What really gets me is the fact that she's been ignoring him for years based on the simple logic that: "He isn't my type and I would never consider dating him." To me, this is nothing but a bunch of flawed logic.
First off, that classification of people into "my type" and "not my type" categories is a touchy topic. There are plenty of times when it is warranted, and plenty where it is not. From what I know about the situation, this falls into the second category. While I'm not the right person to be making judgement calls about who is right for whom, I can certainly tell when someone is getting screwed over by the concept of the friend zone. And this is one of those cases.
It just bothers me that people are able to simply say "since he/she is a friend, they've already punched their ticket into the undatables category."
When it comes to the second case that has been in my mind lately, there is a lot more here. And I shouldn't say that she is wrong to be hesitant about continuing to date just friends. She has had some bad experiences with dating close friends in the past and both times resulted in at least partial loss of the friendship.
This is the entire reason that the friend zone exists in the first place. At least, from what I have seen and heard. It exists because people don't want to lose friends if a relationship goes south. Now, at first glance, that is perfectly logical reasoning. But then, if those people are that special to someone, shouldn't they be the first to be considered for a relationship? That irreplaceability is what fuels a strong relationship. As such, relationships with complete strangers are less likely to succeed in the long term because they aren't as irreplaceable as close friends are. Not to mention the fact that friends, especially close friends, know each other very well. There aren't going to be too many secrets or hidden personalities there.
I saw a post on Facebook
As I mentioned, these relationships are not foolproof. Just like any relationship, they could end. That said, I personally believe that they are stronger when friendship was involved first. And I have a couple of reasons for that.
1. There is more at stake, and therefore more reason to keep the relationship alive, even when it is in trouble.
2. Those involved know each other better than strangers or acquaintances do.
3. There is just something... special about friendships blossoming into relationships.
I know, that third one is a bit hazy, but I'm sure many people will agree... there is something special about a friendship catching fire and igniting into something even more.
And that doesn't even cover it all.
To me, the prospect of anyone getting left out because they are "just a friend" is infuriating. As I mentioned before, I always tell people to keep an open mind about relationships. If you start limiting your options by classifying people into categories, then everyone involved is being done a severe disfavor.
I'm not saying people shouldn't have a few people that they wouldn't want to be in a relationship with. I have some myself. What I'm saying instead, is that people should have good reasons why they would never want to date someone. "He/She's just a friend," and "He/She just isn't my type," are not good reasons. Instead, as always, I encourage everyone to look deeper. Why isn't that person your type? Why couldn't that friend become something more? If everyone were able to look deeper, I'm sure that they would see... there is no reason for the friend zone to even exist. Sure, it is taking a risk with a friendship that many don't want to lose. But if you don't take risks, then what do you hope to find? Does anyone really think that playing it safe with complete strangers is really going to yield a good chance of finding something special? Sure, the possibility is still there, but it is a bit more distant.
So how is the friend zone eliminated? As usual, it is much easier said than done. However, all one has to do is allow themselves to open their options up. Don't forfeit standards, but at the same time, allow yourself to evaluate people based on a lot more than their friendship status. Let it call come down to the other person's heart. Doing just that will open up many doors.
And so, to the second girl, all I can say is to keep your head up and don't let the past destroy your future.
Besides, a relationship with a friend has plenty of special flair to it. After all, "relationships are simply friendships caught on fire." There is much more to lose, but at the same time, there is much more reason to hold onto them. Doesn't that alone make them that much more special?
