I originally planned to have this post out much earlier, however due to repeatedly being called into work and being assigned extra schoolwork, I have been unable to get this post out sooner. I hope anyone reading it enjoys it anyways.
So, just the other day, I was talking with a friend of mine. She was searching through a popular questions site, and had come across an interesting query. In it, the asker had said that the girl he is currently in a relationship with had grown fat. When the two had first met, she had been in excellent shape, and had been committed to staying in shape. But she had seemingly grown less interested in staying in shape as the relationship had gone on, and had consequentially gained a lot of weight. The guy went on to say that he no longer found her physically attractive because of this. He had mentioned it to her several times, trying his best to keep for actually calling her fat, but even talking hadn't really worked. She would tell him how much she wanted to be in shape, but would never commit to doing anything to actually get back in shape. She would brush off his efforts to get her to go on a run, or go to the gym with him. The poor guy was confused and had no idea what to do, and was just looking for some help. He felt bad about wanting to break up with her just for her looks, but couldn't dismiss the fact that he no longer found her attractive.
This story reminded me of a post on Facebook that I saw a long time ago. It was a picture taken from another questions site that contained an interaction of a similar type, only shorter. In it, the guy asking the question simply stated that his girlfriend had become fat, and he wasn't sure what to do about it.
The biggest thing that stood out to me about this was the first (and highest rated) answer. It said something to the degree of: "She should go and find a guy who isn't such a jack***."
Like many of my other posts similar to this one, the response listed above seems like a reasonable one. That is, until you actually take a second to think about it.
This particular situation is far more common in relationships than most people realize. It probably has an official name, but I can't think of it, and I'm not going to look it up. For now, I'll just call it the "settled syndrome." (And my apologies if that is an actual syndrome that I'm stealing the name from.) It all begins when a person is single. When that person is out looking for a relationship, they hold their looks in the highest regard, because lets face it... looks do tend to attract attention. And those who have good looks are more likely to find other people interested in a relationship. However, once they do end up finding a relationship, they begin to think about their looks less and less as the relationship goes on. Essentially, they get comfortable in the relationship, to the point where they no longer care about how they look, and as a result, their physical appearance ends up changing over time in a negative way.
Now, lets look at the obvious part of this. Someone who truly loves another person won't care that much about looks. It is something I have been preaching since the start of this blog, and I will continue to do so for as long as I continue to write. The heart tells you that looks shouldn't matter.
But lets face it, looks still play a part in relationships. I know it, because thinking forward, I would want the person I'm in a relationship with to be attractive to me. Now, I don't mean that the person has to be really physically attractive for this to occur. You see, the first girl I could probably say I loved didn't stand out physically. But as I grew more attached to her, my heart made her incredibly beautiful in my eyes. The same is true in most relationships. You don't have to be the best looking person in the world, but if someone truly loves you, they will pick out the things that attract them to you, and bring those features to the forefront in their mind and heart.
The trouble comes when those things change. When a person stops caring about his or her looks, often times, those small things that the other person once thought made them attractive tend to fade as well. And once that happens, it can be difficult for even the kindest and most loving hearts to recover.
While looks shouldn't be the biggest factor in a relationship, they are still an important one. As I said before, a person shouldn't have to be really great looking to have a good relationship. However, once they enter a relationship, they should want to maintain the looks they had going into the relationship. A person who stops caring about being attractive to their partner has already let the relationship go out the window.
To simplify, a person in a relationship shouldn't have to look their best all the time, because their partner should be able to accept this and should even be able to pick out the things that make them beautiful, even though they aren't necessarily looking their best at that moment. At the same time, nobody should have to tolerate a partner who doesn't even care to look their best some of the time. And a person who goes into a relationship looking their best most of the time, and comes out looking their worst all of the time, obviously decided not to care anymore.
Any person in a relationship should want to be able to impress their partner with his or her looks every once and a while, or should at least make their best effort at times. Because anything less shows that someone doesn't care anymore.
Unfortunately, the first instinct by people (girls especially) when answering these questions is to slam the guy asking the question for being too judgemental based on his girlfriend's appearance. But if these people answering would just take a second and put themselves in the shoes of the guy who asked, I think their answers would be much different. I'm pretty sure most girls wouldn't like to begin a relationship with a guy whom they found attractive, only to have him let himself go once he was comfortable with the relationship.
Lets also remember that fat is not usually attractive to people. Sure, a little bit isn't a big deal at all, and it shouldn't be. But a beer gut and beyond is not usually attractive to someone who began the relationship with a person who was fit at the time.
In addition, every person has a set of standards that they hold themselves to. Any person entering a relationship is going to be held to the standards they had going in. It will almost always be perceived negatively when those standards drop during the relationship. Whether people know it or not, that set of standards is a large factor in the attraction between two people in a relationship. If one person holds much lower standards, it can be hard for another person with higher standards to respect them.
I know this, because I'm the type of person that values fitness in a partner. It is something that is toward the top of my list of things I am looking for. This particular dilemma stands out to me, because I know that I would be upset if a person I was in a relationship with decided to let themselves to to the point where I no longer found them physically attractive. That would bother me to no end, because I would hold that person to the standards they had coming into the relationship.
To top it all off, the guy who asked the question that I referenced at the beginning of this post also talked about how it bothered him that his girlfriend made no effort to get in shape, even though she knew it bothered him that she wasn't. That right there is the clincher. A person shouldn't have to change their appearance to make someone love them, but at the same time, they shouldn't allow their appearance to degrade from where it was when the relationship began (aside from things that can't be helped such as aging, physical injuries, etc.). Because let's face it, it is totally unfair for a person to accuse another of being too focused on appearance, when the person whose appearance they are focused on has changed dramatically for the worse, and said person wants nothing to do with changing it back. That is just a losing situation for all involved.
I should also point out that I do not want it to seem like I am focusing entirely on women. Men do the exact same thing. (Remember the "beer gut" reference from earlier?) There is, unfortunately a lot of bias here, because many of the similar questions being asked on the Internet are posted by guys, and many of the quick (and bad) responses are being posted by girls. But I will not say that this same thing doesn't happen with guys too. And everything I have said so far applies in those situations too.
In conclusion, there are many things that should be valued above looks in relationships. However, this isn't about looks. It is about the standards that are held by people, and the importance of keeping those standards where they were when the relationship began. Because, when those self-standards are lowered, nothing but trouble can come of it for both people involved. You will be held to your own standards in a relationship, and changing those can have drastic effects on the other person.
Relationships are not about looks. However, there is a fine line between caring about looks, and caring about standards.
