It seems lately, my misery has taken a new turn for the worst. While I am usually sad and alone as it is, for some reason, it has become much more intense lately. I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, and why it has suddenly seemed to cut me so deeply. I've had several people tell me that, even though they knew I was sad, they've never seen it quite this intense. And I've had the same feeling myself.
I use this blog to explore other things about the heart, so why not use it to uncover why my sadness has become so much more pointed as of late? I sat down in a peaceful location with my favorite music, and just thought for a while, taking my thoughts down on paper as I went. They might be a bit scattered, or not as orderly as they usually are, but I think they still helped me understand a lot.
For me, searching for love has been like grasping at smoke. It seems possible at first, it soon becomes clear just how impossible it really is. Every time I've had some possibility within my reach, as soon as I reached out to grab it, it would vanish like smoke.
My heart seemed comparable to the pavement on a road. The cracks in that pavement began to appear after the only person I could ever say I might have loved put more pressure on it than it could stand. And since then, they have only grown. The hope that fills them every now and again is like water. At first, it is wonderful to have something filling them, perhaps even believing that it might one day help mend those cracks. But then, that hope dies, and the water freezes, enlarging the cracks. In doing so, that hope leaves my heart more damaged than before. And so, the cycle continues, and every time I am let down, those rifts grow, paining my heart more and more.
It is because of this vicious cycle that my heart seems to be rejecting new hope. Everyone I talk to wants me to keep some kind of hope. But because I've been let down by that same feeling of hope so many times, I always push it away.
The loneliness is damaging in its own right. It is like the sun beating down on that same patch of road. Not particularly bad at first, but over time, it becomes more and more damaging. As I well know, being apart is not a particularly bad thing. But after a while, not being able to find someone can take its toll.
I probably shouldn't speak like I am entirely alone. There are many whom I have talked to that have sympathized with me, and have given me encouragement. I am very thankful for that, and I appreciate every one of them.
However, there are a few things that I've been hearing that tend to bother me a bit. For instance, I always feel a bit hesitant when they tell me that they know how I feel, or that I should trust that things will get better eventually.
When it comes to knowing how I feel, perhaps they do know a similar level of pain or despair. I'm sure things have happened in their lives, which may have had a similar effect. But, when it comes to knowing exactly how I feel, I'm a bit skeptical. Each person I have heard talk about this has come close to finding true love at least once. They have a reason to keep hoping, because even if their previous relationships failed, they can take hope in the fact that there are people out there that will love them.
As for me, I've never been a part of anything resembling a close relationship. Somehow, I find it harder to believe that they know exactly how I feel, when each of their hearts has felt what its like to be loved by another, and mine has not. I have seen no reason to believe that anyone out there is willing to love me that way. And so, I get to the heart of the issue.
The other thing that I always hear as encouragement, is that my family and friends are all I need, and that I should be more thankful and happy because of them. Now don't get me wrong in all of this, I am extremely happy because of my family, and some of my friends. So, on that count, they are right. I'm probably being a bit selfish by not appreciating them, and letting them contribute to my happiness more.
However, I still think I'm right too. I've come to accept the fact that my heart was made to have a connection with another person, one that goes far beyond friends and family. To me, friends and family are two important pieces to the puzzle, but not the only ones. The rest of the world wants me to believe that those are the only pieces necessary to complete the puzzle, while my heart is telling me that there is still one more piece missing, and that piece just might be the most important one.
I can't help but compare my heart to some of the recent weather. It has been cloudy and cold, with a heavy blanket of fog that would not lift. My heart has gone from being more of an average temperature, to being cold, rainy, and blanketed by uncertainty. It reminds me of the change from early to late fall. If only I could find summer.
I even had someone tell me that they thought I should get over it. That person didn't mean it in a bad way, but was just being brutally honest. Who would want to spend time with a person so depressed, let alone fall for them? And I see her point entirely. I've given it a lot of thought though, and come to several of my own conclusions about it.
First of all, in a situation like this, it is rarely as simple as just getting over it. Especially when one is talking about my biggest hopes and dreams. That's right, you heard me. My biggest dream is to find that one person who completes me. It also seems to me that this sadness that I'm experiencing is showing an important part of who I am. I wouldn't be me if I was able to just brush all of this aside like it didn't matter to me, because it does. More than anything. Moreover, I think that my sensitivity regarding this issue is more proof of how much my heart would value a relationship, should I ever find someone. For me, that set of values is what truly sets me apart from a lot of other people.
For me, one of the main hurdles to finding hope, is the state of relationships today. That can be broken into several parts. First off is getting into a relationship. It seems far too complicated for me. Lets face it, getting into a relationship requires someone else to be attracted to you, as well as you to them. Then, you have to be ever so cautious as to not move too fast, or too slow. Your moves all have to be timed just right. And just bringing up the topic to someone you like is difficult enough. I've been told several times that the best way to meet people is to let go of my shyness and just go all out. But I feel like doing that would be the wrong course of action. My shyness is a part of me. Sure, it hampers me at times, but it is an important part of who I am, and it makes those people that I do meet and make friends with all that much more special. Not to mention, doing so would paint a very false picture of who I really am.
Just finding anyone able to love me for who I am is a challenge. Most of those that I've seen with good hearts are already in a relationship. To top it off, that relationship is usually a bad one (though there are plenty of exceptions). Can I really say that a person has a good heart if they are in a bad relationship? I suppose it is possible, but I would expect someone like that to know better, and to be able to see the difference between a person with a good heart, and one with a bad heart. But perhaps that is setting my expectations too high.
And even staying in a relationship can be incredibly tough. I know because I've read about a lot of different relationships lately, and there is usually something that sticks out that would really worry me if it occurred in my relationship. So is it possible to find a happy relationship at all? I would like to believe so, but even if it is possible, would it even be possible to find someone who is able to respect that relationship? I know that nobody is perfect, but sometimes I wonder if there are any people out there who actually value a relationship as highly as I would.
All in all, I feel as though I've been sinking into the depths of my sadness more and more recently. Every day becomes more and more of a challenge to stay positive. I hide my sadness well, but I wonder how long I can continue to do so. I'm always told there is a plan, but I can't help but feel that I may be left out of that plan. Or perhaps it is my destiny to remain alone? Whatever the case, moving forward with a heart that seems to be made to connect with another heart never gets easier. The sadness seems like it is everywhere, always finding ways to seep into my mind. I find things that remind me of my aloneness everywhere.
In the end, I suppose there is some flame of hope left somewhere inside me. But it is burning out very quickly. I'm not really sure what I'll do then. But one thing is certain. My heart, however sad, still guides me.
