I was lying in bed last night brainstorming more ideas for this series. I was trying to figure out which of my many ideas I would tackle first. It was incredibly late, and I didn't have much motivation to keep thinking. So, as typical, I took a break from thinking and pulled out my phone to give one more look over Facebook before going to sleep.
I found this article: http://thoughtcatalog.com/kelsey-hau/2014/10/why-i-hope-my-ex-was-a-once-in-a-lifetime-kind-of-love/
Before you click the link and read it, let me explain a few things first. It was "liked" on Facebook by the girl who will be discussed much further in my Endeavor series. Now, I'm no Facebook stalker. Sure, I like to check out the profiles of people who I am close to every now and again, but I rarely if ever go so in-depth as to look at individual liked pages and posts. This one showed up dead center on my news feed. And I couldn't help but click on it out of pure curiosity. I mean, who wouldn't be curious about that particular title, especially if it was liked by someone who you once considered a potential romantic interest.
Feel free to read it now.
When I first read that article, I was immediately against it and everything it stood for. I was probably rather pre-disposed towards it from the beginning, thanks to the title, and the tone the article sets early. It makes some very good points late, but some of the things the article mentions really do prove my point, especially if this is a stance that a large number of women are taking when it comes to their previous relationships. I'm going to break down the article a bit in order to demonstrate what I mean.
The first paragraph tells a generic story about the writer running into a friend she hadn't seen in a long time, who just happened to throw out the awkward question, asking about how the writer's significant other was doing. This was a while after they had broken up, mind you. When she mentioned that they weren't actually together any more, she got a look from her friend that she refers to as "that look of sadness and sympathy that she is well used to." She goes on to relate that look to being what you get when the person you thought you were going to marry breaks up with you. She also talks about the typical "I know you'll be able to find someone better that you will love even more" response that tends to be pre-programmed into people who are talking with someone who broke up with the love of their life. She then began thinking about those words, the "you'll find someone that you will love even more" part.
The next paragraph is two short lines only, saying that she hopes it isn't true. She hopes that she will never find someone that she loves as much as her ex. This is a bit worrisome, but I will give her the benefit of the doubt and let her finish her argument before I start going all ballistic about that particular statement.
The next part of the article dives into the reasons why. She talks about all of the things that made the love she shared with her ex, altogether too much for her. She just generally felt incomplete without him. She talks about the passion, about how much she missed him when he wasn't with her, how she thought about him for every waking moment. He was what she considered to be the best part of herself, and how the entire relationship was a rollercoaster of those different emotions. The writer talks about how she hopes she will never feel that way again.
The next portion talks about why she believes that her ex was the love of her life because she never wants to feel that kind of intense, all-encompassing love ever again. She also talks about the feeling after she lost it, because she had no idea how the world would keep turning.
She then goes on to mention how her heart did eventually recover, but that she doesn't want to find that same kind of love again. She mentions that she is anxious to fall in love again, but wants it to be entirely different.
The second to last paragraph talks about why. And it brings up some very interesting points that I will get to in a moment. The very last paragraph sums everything up by saying that she hopes that both of them will find a more whole kind of love.
Ok, where to start...
This is a very interesting article for a number of reasons. It presents a very interesting argument against the whole "young love" stigma. We all know the one I'm referring to. It is that one relationship that many people have when they're young that makes them think that the world will end when their relationship does. And don't get me wrong, I agree with some of what she's saying. But I have a few questions of my own regarding this particular topic.
Let's take it back to the beginning few paragraphs of that article. She talks about how her love with her ex was raw and passionate. I believe the most important word there is "all-encompassing." This is a good point. There is nothing wrong with your love helping to define who you are, but it is important not to let one person become your whole identity. I do agree with her on this point entirely. However, she does include the passionate part as though it is a bad thing. I guess it does depend on the level of passion, but I can't say that passion in a relationship is necessarily a bad thing. She also mentions that he was the first thing she thought about in the morning, and the last thing she thought about at night. I don't see what is wrong with that. It just means that the most important thing to you is what happens to be on your mind before you close or open your day. I suppose this could be dependent upon what about that person is on your mind, but I can't see this as being a bad thing. In fact, I would want the person that I would be in a relationship with (in an imaginary world, I guess) to be the first thing on my mind when I wake up, and the last thing on my mind before I sleep. It is just a manifestation of that person's importance in your life.
I guess this is the thing that really stood out to me. I would want (again, in an imaginary world) the love that I would find to be raw and passionate, emotional, and everything to me. I will leave out the all-encompassing part for reasons mentioned above, but I want that person to be the one I think about in the morning and at night. I want someone who can make me feel complete, and someone who makes the world feel right when I am with them. I want someone who can be my other half, someone who can complete my heart. Someone who can make me crazy and emotional, but hopefully not in the frustrating manner that some relationships do.
That's the thing though. Does that mean that I haven't matured enough when it comes to what I'm looking for in a relationship? Are the things that I am looking for really a ticking time-bomb in disguise? Did I maybe dodge a bullet in missing my opportunity to find something like this?
In the next portion of the article, the author mentions that she hopes that her ex was really the love of her life, because she never really wants to love on that level again. Maybe this is the biggest defining part of the whole article for me. Because I would want the love of my life to be the person that I spend as much if it with as possible. NOT the one who left me behind. I've been in love before. I know the feeling of loving another, and though I don't know the feeling of said love being returned, I can speak to one thing. I would never want someone from my past to be the one that defines love for me. Sure, all of those that I've loved in the past have helped me to define it for myself. But I want the one who defines love for me to be the one who will be by my side forever.
Ok, maybe I am asking a bit too much. But I mean it. The one who defines love for me (in my dreams anyway) will be the one who is willing to stick by my side through anything. The author of the article goes on to talk about how even when things were horrible in their relationship, she still loved every minute of it. How exactly is that a bad thing, again? She does talk about how that mixture of positive and negative feelings was too much for her to handle, because it made her feel like the world was going to stop turning when the relationship ended.
My biggest question is, would any other love that really meant something to someone feel any less when it ended? If you don't feel miserable when a relationship ends, perhaps you weren't taking it seriously enough. Perhaps you shouldn't have even been in one to begin with. Just because that particular mixture of feelings made it seem like the end of the world doesn't mean that you should give up on ever feeling that way again. If I knew that the person I was in a relationship with wouldn't be absolutely crushed if it ended, I would bring on the end of the world for myself, and get it over with. Because I deserve someone who actually cares about my love leaving their life forever. And not just cares, but would do anything to stop it from happening.
Does that make me immature? Or am I just a person that still exists within that bubble of innocence that hasn't been popped yet? Or maybe... am I someone who has managed to cling to said innocence despite life's best efforts to take it away? And is that a good thing? It is something that I have been thinking about almost non-stop since I first read this article.
She then goes on to talk about how, after the pain and sadness went away, she had a realization. She didn't need that kind of love. She didn't ever want it again. She said that she was anxious to fall in love again, but that she didn't want that intense kind of love ever again.
I guess, for me, that realization would be a little different. Granted, this is all theoretical. I cannot speak to something that I have never experienced and probably never will. Maybe if I was in the same situation of being crushed by the loss of someone who meant the world to me, I would think differently. However, I cannot help but feel saddened by the author's conclusion that she never wants to feel that kind of deep love again.
The next paragraph is where she explains even more in-depth about why this is true. And this is also the paragraph that makes me put this article in this list overall.
She says that she doesn't want someone to be her other half, but rather someone who makes her feel whole on her own. This statement is a very interesting one in itself. I don't disagree with wanting someone who makes you feel whole on your own. However, isn't that a paradox? Is it possible to feel whole on your own if someone else makes you feel that way?
Moreover, I have come to accept that some people's hearts are just not made to be alone. That is the only explanation I can come up with for it. Some people are perfectly happy being single, while others cannot feel happy that way no matter how hard they try. And as much as society and internet quotes would have us believe otherwise, I believe that is entirely ok. There is nothing wrong with those people, and they are not weaker for needing someone else to help them feel complete. It is simply that their hearts are more empowered by the tight bonds that they form with other people than by rejecting those bonds. It is nothing to be fearful or ashamed of, although it does tend to lead to more sadness and pain.
She also mentions that she wants someone who, when he is gone, she won't miss so much it hurts, but will rather trust that he is coming home to her. This is also a bit of a double-edged sword. I would want to miss someone so much it hurts. Not because I enjoy the pain, but because I would know how strong the connection between us is. I would also trust that they would come home to me, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't miss them. And in all honesty, I don't see any problem with missing someone who is dear to you. That is a normal reaction of the heart to being physically separated from someone with whom your heart shares a bond. For me, just trusting that they would come back isn't enough. If I didn't miss them, I would feel like any love between us was just empty.
She goes on to mention that she doesn't want him to be her last thought at night, because he will be next to her. Now, I agree entirely with the intentions of this statement, but for the record, why can't you do both? Why can't he be next to you when you fall asleep while thinking about him? I talked about this earlier, and I still see no reason why the person most special to you can't be the first and last thing you think about every day.
The next thing she mentions, is that she doesn't want him to be the best part of her, but rather, someone who encourages her and pushes her to be the best person she can be on her own. I have no argument about wanting someone who encourages and pushes you to be the best you can be. This is something that everyone deserves to have. The only thing I can say, is if your ex didn't do this, then why does he remain the "love of your life?" Anyone who doesn't care to lift up the person who is most important to them and make them feel like they are on top of the world... that is a person who doesn't deserve the title "love of your life." Period. If that is the person that defined love for you, then you have a lot of thinking to do. Because that wasn't true love otherwise. Also, in regards to the last part of that statement, refer to the paradox statement I made above. Isn't someone who is encouraging you to be the best you can be a part of that? Doesn't that process involve more than one person? I have no problem with being someone who encourages another person to be so much more, but I want someone who recognizes that and loves me all the more for it, and vice versa. I don't want or need someone who uses me as a springboard and then leaves me behind. I don't need someone who lets me lift them up, and just keeps climbing without returning the favor. That is a big part of what true love is about.
Next, she throws in a few things that she wants. A partner. Someone she can rely on 24 hours a day to be there for her. I'm in complete agreement. But following with the point I mentioned in the previous paragraph, if your ex did not do this, then why does he get to be the "love of your life." I keep putting this in quotations for this exact reason. If such a person is the "love of your life." only because of how involved and obsessed with the relationship you were, then perhaps you need to redefine the term "love of my life."
Next she mentions that she wants a love that can make her smile, and one that lets her go to sleep completely content with her life, not one that keeps her awake at night. This is the one statement that I can agree with entirely in the context of the article. I want that kind of love too. Too bad I won't find it, thanks to what I will be listing here, but that is another story.
She goes on to mention that she doesn't want someone who treats her as the most important thing in the world, but rather someone who treats their daughter like that. This is an interesting statement for a number of reasons. First of all, I won't argue with wanting someone who is willing to love any part of their family. However, this statement seems to be a bit loaded in that it seems to imply that she wants someone who will love her daughter MORE than her. And while the selflessness of such a statement is admirable if that is really the intended meaning, there are some issues there. I've actually read a number of articles recently, all of which were written by relationship experts. Now, I don't buy much into the idea of being an "expert" at love, despite how much I write as though I am one. But this point was brought up in a number of these articles. They all talked about one of the keys to keeping a relationship together once you have kids, is to make sure that you treat the love you and your partner with just as much importance as that which you share with your kids. I don't have any links to these articles, but feel free to go on any dating site, or relationship advice site, and I'm sure it won't take you long. The point is, why can't you treat BOTH as being the most important things in your lives? Because I'm pretty sure that the person that I fall in love with will always be the most important thing to me, and will always be treated like a princess. If I ever have children, I will love them too, but my love and I will always share a special kind of love, just as my children and I will. Every love is special in it's own way, and forcing someone to choose the way in which they prioritize loving their spouse/significant other versus how they love their children is just wrong.
On a more personal note regarding that particular statement, I have mentioned in a number of previous blog posts about how I am not really interested in having children yet. I couldn't help but think that these probably tie in together. Primarily, I am talking about the idea that the author seems to imply that she will not accept someone who wants to treat her like a princess, or the most important thing in their life. This is one of the many things I have been struggling against for years. It seems like far too many girls out there are far too willing to pass on sweet guys who just want to treat someone as the most important thing. And then, they jump into relationships with guys who don't treat them that way, and they complain about it the whole time. It is a real double standard, to be sure. I will cover more of that in a later post. However, back to the children thing, many people around my age are not interested in settling down and having children yet, myself included. Again, I will post more about this later. But I can't help but feel like any girl following these particular standards will end up with a guy that is either a jerk to them, but loves their kids, or a guy who is likely a little older than I am, but is ready to settle down.
You see, even if I were to get married tomorrow, I would probably want to wait a while before having kids. Mostly so I could enjoy exploring the world with the person who means the most to me, while also not having to worry about the complexities of balancing loving my wife with loving my family. I have no doubt that I have enough love for everyone, but balancing it properly is another issue. Perhaps I feel this way because I haven't really had a relationship like the one the author describes in her article, but I feel like any girl that judges a guy because he doesn't want to have children right away, but instead wants to make her the most important thing in his life for a while is in for a rather rude awakening.
She ends that particular paragraph by saying that she doesn't want to be the love of his life, because she wants their family to be. This is a really touchy subject as I was mentioning before. So, what about guys like me? Guys that just want one person to make into the most important thing in our lives? Guys that aren't ready to think about having children and a family yet? Does that mean we are too immature for girls that have experienced a past relationship like the one mentioned here, and are now realizing some of the things mentioned in this article? I don't think so. I think the desire to make that one person the most important thing to us is in fact important practice for later, when we do finally decide to have families. Because then, we will not only have one love of our life, but many. And each love will be unique and special in it's own right. This is why I disagree with this statement.
P.S. This will be discussed a lot more in future posts.
She starts the ending paragraph by saying that her ex taught her more about love and life than he will ever know or understand. This isn't necessarily a bad statement in and of itself, but it would still give someone like me pause. Because I would want to be the one that teaches someone a lot about life and love, and be the one that also learns more from that other person than they will ever know. I don't say this because I am greedy or selfish, but simply because that is what the true love of a person's life should be. The one that teaches them the most, not about the bad side of love, but the good side. This is very difficult to overcome if a person believes that their ex was the one that taught them the most about love in general. Because as we well know, people don't like changing things they hold sacred. And if this particular belief is ingrained in their mind and heart, it probably won't change anytime soon.
The next few sentences are a simple wish of goodwill toward her ex that don't deserve much consideration given the context of this entry. It does show good character to not hold a large amount of ill-will toward someone who once broke your heart. In all honesty, I don't know if I could do the same.
She ends the article by saying that she and her ex were young, naïve, and in love, but that it was the wrong kind of love. She goes on to say that it was the kind of love that you only find once in a lifetime, but that she hopes they both move on to find a more whole love.
Not necessarily an incorrect statement, but I need to draw some attention to a few things. First of all, I have no disagreement that it sounds like she and her ex were both young and naïve, which can be a factor in first relationships. I guess, the only thing that comes to mind when I think about this particular statement is the fact that the opportunity for me to be young, naïve, and in love is rapidly passing me by, if it hasn't already. Once again, I will discuss more of this in a later list post.
She isn't wrong in saying that this kind of love is the kind that you only find once in a lifetime. She is also correct in saying that they should both look to move on and find a more whole kind of love.
The only thing that bothers me about this whole thing is the general tone that the love she had with her ex could never be replaced. She does make some effort to imply that perhaps she doesn't want to replace it, but the focus on all of the things that made her love with her ex so unique and "once-in-a-lifetime" tends to distract from all of that. See, the thing is, in my experience, people who think in such ways about their exes are rarely able to see new relationships or potential relationships in the same light as they did the relationship with their ex. They find themselves constantly comparing the newer relationship to the old, saying how they want something different, yet still subconsciously bringing down the new relationship because it doesn't live up to the old. It is a vicious cycle that is very easy for those who have been in a past relationship to get caught up in.
The general tone of the article does imply the potential for remaining feelings for the author's ex. It is also worrisome, because like I just mentioned, this would seem to be the relationship to which the author will compare all others, even though she tries to say otherwise.
The real question here though is, why does this article belong on a list of reasons why I will never find the love I am looking for? I have made several points as this post has dragged on, but in summary, there are three main things I am looking at in regards to what was mentioned in the referenced article.
First of all, as I mentioned almost a paragraph earlier, the author appears to have lingering feelings for her ex. This might not seem obvious at first, but there are several parallels I can draw to this conclusion. First of all, as I also mentioned several paragraphs prior, this would be the relationship to which the author compares all others. Also, all of the girls I have seen spreading the original article around are the ones that admittedly, and sometimes not admittedly, are still drawn to their ex. As much as the author of the article wants to state that she never wants such a love again, and would not want to get back together with her ex, the admiration with which she looks upon the love they had together is undeniable. I would think the reasons why these kinds of feelings put this article and many of the beliefs it represents on the list are obvious.
Second, is the author's focus on the fact that the love with her ex was a once-in-a-lifetime love. Despite the author's efforts to make it seem otherwise, she puts a lot of emphasis on the parts of that love that she and many people consider to be good parts of love. She tries in several ways to write these off as bad things, but it is obvious that her general feeling on the matter is that she will never be able to love someone the same way she loved her ex. Whether this is a good or a bad thing is up to the reader. I guess I'm just the type of person that isn't interested in constantly trying to live up to this "once-in-a-lifetime love" that she keeps touting.
Finally, there is an element of closeness in a relationship that the author will now consciously try to deny herself. You see, one of the main focuses of this article was how close the author was to her ex. It continuously focused on aspects of their relationship that were defined by how close the two were, and how much their lives revolved around one another. At the end of the article, she goes out of her way to point out all of the flaws of this, and even goes so far to list all kinds of ways she wishes for her next relationship to be different. However, the theme amongst all of this is clear: she never wants to be that close to a person again. While she never goes out of her way to say this, the conclusion is clear. And this is a definite way to push people like myself, that are looking for a very close relationship, away.
I'm not saying that the life of the person I was in a relationship with (again, theoretically) would have to revolve around me and vice versa. But I desire a certain closeness with a person that I would be in a relationship with. I would want them to be the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep and when I wake up. I would want them to miss me when I'm gone. Maybe this is because I haven't yet experienced anything like the love described in the article. Maybe I just haven't learned my lesson yet. But I will not deny that my feelings toward these kinds of things being said, and such boundaries and limitations of love that are being set by the author in this article, are mostly comprised of sadness. It is a shame to see someone so dejected by a love that they had in that past, that they cannot begin anew with a clean slate. Instead, these kinds of feelings are forever baggage that they will carry with them into new relationships, and as I mentioned before, they will constantly compel the author and the people who share these feelings with her to push those that they love away to keep from growing too close. These ideas would shackle her heart and make it very difficult for her to love again.
As I wrap this up, I am sorry about the length. I had hoped to keep this a tad shorter, but once I get to writing about something like this, I tend to go on a tangent. I can say that future posts will be much shorter. I guess you could say this article was a test of my ability to take an idea that seemed completely rock-solid, such as the one presented in this article, and discover why my heart kept telling me it was wrong, at least in a few ways. Once again, this is all my opinion. You have every right to disagree with me, the same as I disagreed with the author of the article presented here.
Whatever the case may be, thank you for listening. (or reading, as the case may be)
