Back to Basics

Well, its been some time, but here I am, coming back to the ol' blog to pour out my feelings.

Anyways, the main reason I haven't been writing in my blog lately is because I am working on two potential books right now. These are my first major writing works, so I'm putting every urge I have to write toward those. They are still in the works though, as one of them is only three chapters in, and the other is only in concept design at the moment.

But it still can't keep my feelings at bay.

For a while I believed that writing these works would numb the pain I feel at still being alone. However, it hasn't done much so far. It seems that, since I can't always write about exactly what I'm feeling, I'm unable to let those feelings out completely, leaving them trapped and bottled up. I've turned to Facebook to vent some of these feelings, but it still hasn't taken away the pain. Especially when it seems nobody cares.

Anyways, my feelings are exactly what I always talk about. The pain of being alone is almost unbearable when coupled with the realization that this world has its values turned inside out. Literally.

One of the biggest themes I notice is the constant ebb and flow of relationships. It never ceases to make me jealous when some girl enters a relationship, because I always think, "I could be so much better..." It seems really selfish and terrible to think that, but the way some guys act, it wouldn't surprise me if I could easily outdo them in a relationship. That is, IF anyone would even stop to get to know me.

It seems, in this ever judgemental world that I get written off all the time. It feels horrible because I know... I would never do some of the horrible things you hear about guys doing in relationships. Cheating, lying, not caring, etc... None of it would be an issue with me. Sure, I probably have my faults, just like everyone else, but I can't help but wonder what most girls would think if they actually saw me for who I am deep down.

Aside from that, I'm also finding girls very hard to trust these days. It seems like they have a tendency to split personalities. The person you know is probably very different from the person their closer friends, significant others, and family knows. Sure, I've probably been putting a little too much confidence in rumors as well, seeing as a lot of what I hear comes in the form of gossip. Though, if even half of it were true, I'm sure many people would be shocked.

Take for instance this example about a girl I work with:

The girl I know: She is an absolutely amazing person. Kind, caring, and sensitive, she always manages to put a smile on my face. You might even go so far to say I have a bit of a crush on her, but lately, I'm not really sure about anything anymore. She's gone and gotten into a relationship that seems quite sudden, and in my opinion, based on appearances and surface personality (one of my biggest pet peeves). Despite this, she has always had an amazing conscience. She always seems to have the right idea about things like smoking, alcohol, sex, and many other things that I consider to be harmful behaviors. She has the same values as I do when it comes to those things.

What a friend told me: The relationship I mentioned earlier prioritizes frequent and aggressive sex. She hangs out around deadbeats, and while she doesn't directly participate in many of the harmful behaviors mentioned earlier, she definitely does not condone them either.

Now, I'm not saying I should just believe blind gossip. That is the quickest path to missing some of the most important people in your life. But it is quite hard to prove any of this wrong, especially since I only know this girl from work. I know little of her outside life. Not only that, but the person I talked to knows her "boyfriend" pretty well, therefore making it easier to validate his story.

Now granted, what she does in her own time is her business, I suppose. But like what has happened before, she was once a source of inspiration for me; an inspiration that helped me to believe that not everyone in this world has a cold heart. I would find it hard to associate myself with her any longer knowing I had been proved wrong about her on yet another occasion. Yes, unfortunately, this is not the first time I have been wrong about her.

Therefore, I'm finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that I may have lost a friend. Now, please don't misunderstand... I would never want to desert a friend because I'm being judgemental. However, I find it difficult to continue a friendship with someone who embodies the very reasons I'm still alone.

Anyways, with that off of my chest...

I plan on doing a lot more writing in the coming weeks. My sadness has reached another peak, and as much as I try to hide it, it is beginning to become noticeable. I need a place to pour out my emotions, and that was the very reason for which this blog was created.

I'm also probably going to branch out a bit to take a look at topics related to, but not directly of, the heart. I'm going to try out some new formats, do some lists, and of course... criticize pop culture. Hopefully you'll enjoy the ride as much as I do (which hopefully is a lot, because I need something to cheer me up).

Lessons Learned?

So, I was on Facebook for a bit today, and I noticed several posts that struck me as a bit odd. In fact, over the past several days, I've seen a few posts much like these. They were different because they were about relationships (or the lack thereof), posted by girls, and actually quite correct.

It is not surprising to find posts about relationships on Facebook. I see several per day. However, these posts were different in that they were about several things I have been preaching since I started this blog. One of them mentioned the problem that many girls have about not being able to see a guy for who he is deeper down. Another mentioned how she needed to find someone who is actually willing to put her first. Not often I see several of these admissions in one day.

The other part that gets me is that... they were posted by girls. Granted, girls probably post more about relationships than guys do. However, I rarely see them admit truths like the ones I have seen recently. Usually, they are about how perfect the jerk that she is dating is. Perfect? Hardly.

Yeah, I'm taking a few more digs at girls and relationships. Most people see it that girls are experts when it comes to love, and all guys are jerks, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. Sure, many guys ARE jerks. The problem is that those are the guys that the girls are usually in love with. Whose fault is that one? Either way, girls are no better at relationships than guys are.

When it comes right down to it, these are only Facebook posts. Whether or not the poster actually learned anything from them is another story in itself. As much as I hate to say it, they were probably just posting that stuff to make themselves feel better about a recently failed relationship or crush. When all is said and done, they will probably be right back to their old (and wrong) ways soon enough. But I can only hold out hope.

Hope... that one of them actually meant what was posted.

Obsession

Kind of an odd title, but I think I'll go with it.

Lately, I've taken a closer look at my own actions. What I am seeing surprises me. From what I can tell, my search for someone who is different then all the rest (someone who has the ability to love me for who I am) has taken over a lot of who I am. I am constantly thinking about it, and it has gotten to the point where it seems to dominate my every action.

The real question is... is this good or bad?

Some might say I'm overreacting. I'm not so sure though... Whenever I'm about to go somewhere, I find myself thinking about: Who might I meet there? And when I get there, my eyes dart from person to person, observing what I can about people around me. It is a never ceasing cycle, so it would seem. And it only makes me that much more conscious about my aloneness.

Most recently, I went with my family to an amusement park. I should have been prepared for the large number of couples there, seeing as amusement parks are prime date destinations. But I was blissfully unaware until we got there, and I began to observe my surroundings. I couldn't get my mind off of it the whole time we were there... How wonderful it would be to have someone you could do stuff like that with... It is definitely one of the most taken-for-granted things in this world.

Anyways, you might call this whole thing an obsession, hence the title. But is it bad or good? And is there really any reason for it when I probably have little chance of finding what I'm looking for?

I'm probably overthinking this, but I can't help but ask myself all of these questions. And as I mentioned before, this whole thing is overshadowed by a sense of dread. A sense that I might not find what I'm devoting so much of my time and effort searching for.

Final Option

Yeah, I know... been far too long.

Anyways, I have kept myself busy writing elsewhere. I have been working on several story templates. In case you don't know me that well, I plan on writing several books eventually. Perhaps even more than just a few. Each of them will derive directly from my thoughts and feelings.

Obviously, there is still much work to be done. And besides that, I am driven onwards by some more recently aquired disdain for the way the world percieves and views relationships. As my own loneliness deepens, my outlook on the world darkens. And so does my drive to prove to everyone that they were wrong in overlooking me. That is my inspiration. To create worlds and stories that will change the way people think, perhaps preventing others from suffering the same fate that I have been condemned to.

And what fate is that, might you ask? The fate of forgottenness. The fate of being left behind my so many who wouldn't bother to look deeper. And worse, left behind by those who looked deeper... yet wouldn't place the correct value on what lay beneath.

So now, I must climb to the top. No matter what it takes. If only to prevent other good hearts from suffering my fate. And the only way to do so is by accomplishing a feat that nobody can ignore. For me, I'm thinking that feat should be to write something so impressive that it will sink into peoples' very hearts.

Either way, my journey to gain recognition has just begun...