The Endeavor Prologue

So, where to begin…? It has certainly been a while since I last used this blog. And I've had my reasons – mostly a lack of inspiration – that have made it rather difficult to continue posting on a regular basis. However, recent events have brought back a little of my original inspiration, and I've decided to release a new series of posts on here based on my experiences.

For those of you who have been with me for a while, I should probably throw out there that my situation has not changed one bit. I thought by now it might have, but you needn't worry. I’m still essentially in the same place I was over a year ago when I last posted in this blog. I've certainly been through my usual share of ups and downs. I gain hope, and then I lose it just as quickly.

That is the main reason I have decided to launch this new series in order to coincide with the effort that I will be undertaking over the next few months

.

Basically, these next several posts will cover what I will refer to as my “last chance” or “last effort” at finding what I’m looking for. Now, I know that if I don’t find it here, it isn't necessarily my last chance at finding love. However, based on the dream I always had about it, which I will cover in more detail later, this might very well be my last chance to find what I’m looking for without having to let go of my original dream and find a new one. And aside from that, if I don’t find it here, I doubt I will make another concerted effort at finding something. I’m simply tired of searching and coming up empty all the time, so I refuse to continue making an effort when all I get for it is pain. If after this I am still all alone, I will have to simply let go and allow fate to take over. If I find something after this, it will be entirely by chance, and not based on a huge amount of effort on my own part.

With that said, I feel comfortable diving into the real gist of what I’ll be trying to do.

Essentially, I am going to make one last attempt to search the world, using all the resources I can find, to see if I can find my heart’s other half. I’m searching for that love that has so eluded me for the entirety of my life.

I decided to chronicle that journey with the use of this blog. That was its original purpose anyway; to chronicle my journey through life, and my search for love. Besides, a blog name like “Notions of the Heart” is far too original and amazing to let it go to waste. Either way, I decided that this particular journey might be one of the most interesting I've had to date, so I figured it might be worth saving and sharing.

While I have yet to decide on an exact timeline for this particular endeavor, I figured that the warm weather presents a great guideline. Basically, with spring on its way in, my hope has been strengthened just a bit. If I don’t find what I’m looking for by next winter, I’ll probably have given up hope by then anyways. And if I won’t have lost hope by then, it probably won’t take long for the cold and dark days and overall dreary feeling to suck what is left of that hope away. I figure that winter is probably an appropriate deadline.

The real question in all of this is: how exactly will I be doing all of this? Essentially, I will be utilizing every tool at my disposal, including many I have not tried before for various reasons. In addition, I will be focusing on improving several aspects of myself, which will hopefully help to fuel my confidence and keep that hope alive for as long as I need it to be.

First, I will be attempting something that I have always thought about, but never had the courage to attempt for various reasons. That is… Online dating. Yes, you read that right. I might have released a post about my feelings about online dating a while back. Even if I didn't, I will give a short rundown as to why I've never tried this before. Basically, the concept of it frightened me. There are so many unknowns when it comes to online dating, not to mention several aspects that, in my own personal opinion, take more courage than standard dating. I’ll get to those later. However, the main reason I avoided it was because I was caught up in the stigma that it was a last-ditch method. I thought it was for people who couldn't find love any other way. And I didn't want to be one of those people that needed help to find what I was looking for.

My opinions from before have become more and more laughable by the day. Not necessarily because they were untrue, but because I fall perfectly into the category of people that I always stereotyped as the group that needed so much help to find love. I avoided it because I was afraid of what it might mean for me if I decided to use it. What I failed to realize was that I was exactly the type of person for whom these systems have been created, and that continues to sustain these systems until this very day. Is there anything wrong with that? I used to believe that there might be, but as I continue to think about it more and more, I am realizing that there truly isn't.

Are there not plenty of people out there in my situation? It seems as though their hearts are created to love that of another, but they remain invisible. Perhaps having a system in place to facilitate connections between these people isn't so bad after all. Even more intriguing, is the fact that many of these systems, such as the one I will be using, attempt to match people up based on certain other dimensions of compatibility. This is incredibly valuable in cutting time wasted on people who ultimately do not share certain aspects of personality that make them compatible with another person.

Either way, I continue to have various hesitations about this whole online thing. There are too many to list and detail here, so hopefully I will be able to tackle them one at a time in later posts. But I figure that it is important to point out that I am still a bit wary of all this, though I am finally of the opinion that it is potentially worth the risk.

In addition, my mind keeps asking myself one question in particular: What if I already know the person that I am supposed to end up with? I mean, I am taking that quite liberally. Is there really any one person that I am “supposed” to end up with? I often believe so, but it can be very difficult to say for sure. What would happen if this whole endeavor ends up chasing away someone who really does care for me? I can think of several people who might be in that category, although none of them have shown any obvious signs that they would potentially think of me as anything more than a friend. Then again, who knows? It is certainly eating me up inside wondering about this.

In the end though, I figure that I should keep a record of what could be the most important undertaking in my entire life. And even though some of it might seem rather commonplace and ordinary for some people, it is not to me. Each person’s life journey is unique in many ways, particularly in the way that they perceive it. So, like I said, I will be chronicling this endeavor with the help of this blog. Hopefully everyone can enjoy my journey along with me, and can take something away from it. And hopefully, as usual, writing about it will help me to better understand myself.

The Depths of Sadness

It seems lately, my misery has taken a new turn for the worst. While I am usually sad and alone as it is, for some reason, it has become much more intense lately. I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, and why it has suddenly seemed to cut me so deeply. I've had several people tell me that, even though they knew I was sad, they've never seen it quite this intense. And I've had the same feeling myself.

I use this blog to explore other things about the heart, so why not use it to uncover why my sadness has become so much more pointed as of late? I sat down in a peaceful location with my favorite music, and just thought for a while, taking my thoughts down on paper as I went. They might be a bit scattered, or not as orderly as they usually are, but I think they still helped me understand a lot.

For me, searching for love has been like grasping at smoke. It seems possible at first, it soon becomes clear just how impossible it really is. Every time I've had some possibility within my reach, as soon as I reached out to grab it, it would vanish like smoke.

My heart seemed comparable to the pavement on a road. The cracks in that pavement began to appear after the only person I could ever say I might have loved put more pressure on it than it could stand. And since then, they have only grown. The hope that fills them every now and again is like water. At first, it is wonderful to have something filling them, perhaps even believing that it might one day help mend those cracks. But then, that hope dies, and the water freezes, enlarging the cracks. In doing so, that hope leaves my heart more damaged than before. And so, the cycle continues, and every time I am let down, those rifts grow, paining my heart more and more.

It is because of this vicious cycle that my heart seems to be rejecting new hope. Everyone I talk to wants me to keep some kind of hope. But because I've been let down by that same feeling of hope so many times, I always push it away.

The loneliness is damaging in its own right. It is like the sun beating down on that same patch of road. Not particularly bad at first, but over time, it becomes more and more damaging. As I well know, being apart is not a particularly bad thing. But after a while, not being able to find someone can take its toll.

I probably shouldn't speak like I am entirely alone. There are many whom I have talked to that have sympathized with me, and have given me encouragement. I am very thankful for that, and I appreciate every one of them.

However, there are a few things that I've been hearing that tend to bother me a bit. For instance, I always feel a bit hesitant when they tell me that they know how I feel, or that I should trust that things will get better eventually.

When it comes to knowing how I feel, perhaps they do know a similar level of pain or despair. I'm sure things have happened in their lives, which may have had a similar effect. But, when it comes to knowing exactly how I feel, I'm a bit skeptical. Each person I have heard talk about this has come close to finding true love at least once. They have a reason to keep hoping, because even if their previous relationships failed, they can take hope in the fact that there are people out there that will love them.

As for me, I've never been a part of anything resembling a close relationship. Somehow, I find it harder to believe that they know exactly how I feel, when each of their hearts has felt what its like to be loved by another, and mine has not. I have seen no reason to believe that anyone out there is willing to love me that way. And so, I get to the heart of the issue.

The other thing that I always hear as encouragement, is that my family and friends are all I need, and that I should be more thankful and happy because of them. Now don't get me wrong in all of this, I am extremely happy because of my family, and some of my friends. So, on that count, they are right. I'm probably being a bit selfish by not appreciating them, and letting them contribute to my happiness more.

However, I still think I'm right too. I've come to accept the fact that my heart was made to have a connection with another person, one that goes far beyond friends and family. To me, friends and family are two important pieces to the puzzle, but not the only ones. The rest of the world wants me to believe that those are the only pieces necessary to complete the puzzle, while my heart is telling me that there is still one more piece missing, and that piece just might be the most important one.

I can't help but compare my heart to some of the recent weather. It has been cloudy and cold, with a heavy blanket of fog that would not lift. My heart has gone from being more of an average temperature, to being cold, rainy, and blanketed by uncertainty. It reminds me of the change from early to late fall. If only I could find summer.

I even had someone tell me that they thought I should get over it. That person didn't mean it in a bad way, but was just being brutally honest. Who would want to spend time with a person so depressed, let alone fall for them? And I see her point entirely. I've given it a lot of thought though, and come to several of my own conclusions about it.

First of all, in a situation like this, it is rarely as simple as just getting over it. Especially when one is talking about my biggest hopes and dreams. That's right, you heard me. My biggest dream is to find that one person who completes me. It also seems to me that this sadness that I'm experiencing is showing an important part of who I am. I wouldn't be me if I was able to just brush all of this aside like it didn't matter to me, because it does. More than anything. Moreover, I think that my sensitivity regarding this issue is more proof of how much my heart would value a relationship, should I ever find someone. For me, that set of values is what truly sets me apart from a lot of other people.

For me, one of the main hurdles to finding hope, is the state of relationships today. That can be broken into several parts. First off is getting into a relationship. It seems far too complicated for me. Lets face it, getting into a relationship requires someone else to be attracted to you, as well as you to them. Then, you have to be ever so cautious as to not move too fast, or too slow. Your moves all have to be timed just right. And just bringing up the topic to someone you like is difficult enough. I've been told several times that the best way to meet people is to let go of my shyness and just go all out. But I feel like doing that would be the wrong course of action. My shyness is a part of me. Sure, it hampers me at times, but it is an important part of who I am, and it makes those people that I do meet and make friends with all that much more special. Not to mention, doing so would paint a very false picture of who I really am.

Just finding anyone able to love me for who I am is a challenge. Most of those that I've seen with good hearts are already in a relationship. To top it off, that relationship is usually a bad one (though there are plenty of exceptions). Can I really say that a person has a good heart if they are in a bad relationship? I suppose it is possible, but I would expect someone like that to know better, and to be able to see the difference between a person with a good heart, and one with a bad heart. But perhaps that is setting my expectations too high.

And even staying in a relationship can be incredibly tough. I know because I've read about a lot of different relationships lately, and there is usually something that sticks out that would really worry me if it occurred in my relationship. So is it possible to find a happy relationship at all? I would like to believe so, but even if it is possible, would it even be possible to find someone who is able to respect that relationship? I know that nobody is perfect, but sometimes I wonder if there are any people out there who actually value a relationship as highly as I would.

All in all, I feel as though I've been sinking into the depths of my sadness more and more recently. Every day becomes more and more of a challenge to stay positive. I hide my sadness well, but I wonder how long I can continue to do so. I'm always told there is a plan, but I can't help but feel that I may be left out of that plan. Or perhaps it is my destiny to remain alone? Whatever the case, moving forward with a heart that seems to be made to connect with another heart never gets easier. The sadness seems like it is everywhere, always finding ways to seep into my mind. I find things that remind me of my aloneness everywhere.

In the end, I suppose there is some flame of hope left somewhere inside me. But it is burning out very quickly. I'm not really sure what I'll do then. But one thing is certain. My heart, however sad, still guides me.

Fateful Encounters

I was talking with a friend of mine today, and after trying to cheer me up for a bit, she said something that would spark a bit of a friendly debate between the two of us. She told me to wait and when a girl walked by that made my heart skip a beat, to go and talk to her.

Now, despite how obviously great that sounds, I decided that it wasn't something I could really do. Call me a wuss, or whatever you like, but it just isn't normal. I mean, lets face it... how many people just randomly talk to somebody like that? And I'm not counting bars and other "dating scenes" in this.

Yes, I'll admit. I probably have some deep-rooted self confidence issues that go along with this, including a fear of rejection and awkwardness. However, as the friendly debate continued, my friend mentioned something about how "all love stories begin that way!" To which, I asked: "Which ones?" Frankly, I don't know of a single (famous) love story that began that way. Sure, there might be some out there that I'm missing, but I can't say I remember a single one.

She referenced the love story in the relatively recent movie The Vow, but I have to admit that I remember no such part of the story, even though I did actually see the movie. Obviously, I was even more perplexed at her suggestion because of this. Do people actually meet that way? I was always under the impression that walking up to a completely random person and starting a conversation was a bit... obvious. I mean, what other reason would anybody have for talking to someone out of the blue like that?

Before you jump all over me for saying that, let me elaborate just a bit. As I was discussing this, I was thinking about how what I refer to as "fateful encounters" work. That is simply when two people meet because of a common denominator between the two of them. It can be as simple as two people taking a class together, or someone helping another person pick up something they dropped. Or it can be more complex than that. But in the end, it still involves two people meeting because of a common reason to talk to one another, or perhaps even get to know one another more. And no, for those of you with a dirty mind. This has nothing to do with anything sexual. AT ALL.

This is what I believed to be the most common method of meeting other people. Whether by accident or sheer coincidence, these meetings seem to have the most meaning to people. I guess it just seems to me like walking up to somebody and randomly starting a conversation without any reason other than trying to find someone to be in a relationship with seems a bit obvious, and rather desperate.

I'm not trying to say that I'm not desperate, but I simply refuse to show it. I will not make it obvious by any means, and will not use it as a motivator in any way. So, can you really claim that I'm desperate when it never shows, and I never do anything based upon it? Probably not.

More to the point, I've been convinced for a while that one of the main reasons I am still alone is that I don't seem to have many fateful encounters with people. It is like a curse or something. It just doesn't happen to me. And to me, that is a big issue. Like I mentioned before, I'm not the type to just walk up to somebody and start a conversation for no reason other than thinking the other person is attractive.

Whenever I mention this, I keep thinking about what I know as the "bar scene," which is considered by many as a major place to meet people. And it is kinda funny to me how most people meet others there. That is, by doing just what I just mentioned: walking up to somebody and striking up a conversation for almost no reason at all. For me however, this doesn't count.

As I've mentioned before, I'm not a "bar scene" type. I don't drink at all, and I can't help but believe that many of the people that one would meet at a bar or club would be people who are much more interested in alcohol than myself. Not to mention the fact that their boldness in these situations might be, at least in part, attributed to the alcohol. Like I said, that isn't my thing.

When the conversation I mentioned at the beginning of this post took place, I was at school. It seems like it might be a good place to meet people, if it weren't for the fact that most people there seem rather antisocial. I suppose that could be because they are there to learn, and not to socialize, but that is still a bit depressing. College is definitely a nice place, but that is one thing that I haven't really been able to figure out about it. Are college students only interested in being social at clubs and stuff? Or is there something that I'm missing? Anyways, for those that know me, I'm sure some of you are rolling your eyes and considering telling me that the whole "antisocial" thing is because of where I go to school. And before you do so, just know that I will not listen. As much as you might like to believe that your school is better when it comes to stuff like this, I honestly don't care. Everybody wants to think like that, and I'm not going to debate something so pointless and off-topic like whose school is better. Lets face it, everyone wants to think their school is better than everywhere else, and I don't really want to hear it.

That said, I can't help but believe the antisocial aspect of it all might also be attributed to my overall invisibility. I know I've mentioned this in several of my previous blog posts, but when it comes to standing out of the crowd, I just seem to blend in. It can be both a gift and a curse in that I don't attract people who are in it just for looks. However, it also conceals me from those who are looking for more than that. The unfortunate part here is that, while I might not stand out visually, I know I would stand out if people were looking for someone with a good heart. However, people don't seem to be able to look any deeper than the surface these days, one of the things that really has me feeling more and more hopeless as time goes on.

Back to the whole "fateful encounters" thing, I still believe I am cursed or something. They just don't happen to me. And no matter what some people will say about how I shouldn't be so shy, I still think being more aggressive would paint the wrong picture to somebody else. I'm not the type of person to do something like that, so wouldn't that be a bit... off for me to do it all of a sudden? And it would probably seem that much more desperate as well.

From what I've seen, some of the best friendships and relationships are formed through these fateful encounters, rather than deliberate and forced meetings. To me, these just seem unnatural and forced. I know I would be rather skeptical if anybody walked up to me and randomly started a conversation with me.

In the meantime, I'll do what I always do. That is, sit back and observe as I usually do. And thank you to everyone for listening to this rather unorganized rant of mine.

The Fine Line

I originally planned to have this post out much earlier, however due to repeatedly being called into work and being assigned extra schoolwork, I have been unable to get this post out sooner. I hope anyone reading it enjoys it anyways.

So, just the other day, I was talking with a friend of mine. She was searching through a popular questions site, and had come across an interesting query. In it, the asker had said that the girl he is currently in a relationship with had grown fat. When the two had first met, she had been in excellent shape, and had been committed to staying in shape. But she had seemingly grown less interested in staying in shape as the relationship had gone on, and had consequentially gained a lot of weight. The guy went on to say that he no longer found her physically attractive because of this. He had mentioned it to her several times, trying his best to keep for actually calling her fat, but even talking hadn't really worked. She would tell him how much she wanted to be in shape, but would never commit to doing anything to actually get back in shape. She would brush off his efforts to get her to go on a run, or go to the gym with him. The poor guy was confused and had no idea what to do, and was just looking for some help. He felt bad about wanting to break up with her just for her looks, but couldn't dismiss the fact that he no longer found her attractive.

This story reminded me of a post on Facebook that I saw a long time ago. It was a picture taken from another questions site that contained an interaction of a similar type, only shorter. In it, the guy asking the question simply stated that his girlfriend had become fat, and he wasn't sure what to do about it.

The biggest thing that stood out to me about this was the first (and highest rated) answer. It said something to the degree of: "She should go and find a guy who isn't such a jack***."

Like many of my other posts similar to this one, the response listed above seems like a reasonable one. That is, until you actually take a second to think about it.

This particular situation is far more common in relationships than most people realize. It probably has an official name, but I can't think of it, and I'm not going to look it up. For now, I'll just call it the "settled syndrome." (And my apologies if that is an actual syndrome that I'm stealing the name from.) It all begins when a person is single. When that person is out looking for a relationship, they hold their looks in the highest regard, because lets face it... looks do tend to attract attention. And those who have good looks are more likely to find other people interested in a relationship. However, once they do end up finding a relationship, they begin to think about their looks less and less as the relationship goes on. Essentially, they get comfortable in the relationship, to the point where they no longer care about how they look, and as a result, their physical appearance ends up changing over time in a negative way.

Now, lets look at the obvious part of this. Someone who truly loves another person won't care that much about looks. It is something I have been preaching since the start of this blog, and I will continue to do so for as long as I continue to write. The heart tells you that looks shouldn't matter.

But lets face it, looks still play a part in relationships. I know it, because thinking forward, I would want the person I'm in a relationship with to be attractive to me. Now, I don't mean that the person has to be really physically attractive for this to occur. You see, the first girl I could probably say I loved didn't stand out physically. But as I grew more attached to her, my heart made her incredibly beautiful in my eyes. The same is true in most relationships. You don't have to be the best looking person in the world, but if someone truly loves you, they will pick out the things that attract them to you, and bring those features to the forefront in their mind and heart.

The trouble comes when those things change. When a person stops caring about his or her looks, often times, those small things that the other person once thought made them attractive tend to fade as well. And once that happens, it can be difficult for even the kindest and most loving hearts to recover.

While looks shouldn't be the biggest factor in a relationship, they are still an important one. As I said before, a person shouldn't have to be really great looking to have a good relationship. However, once they enter a relationship, they should want to maintain the looks they had going into the relationship. A person who stops caring about being attractive to their partner has already let the relationship go out the window.
To simplify, a person in a relationship shouldn't have to look their best all the time, because their partner should be able to accept this and should even be able to pick out the things that make them beautiful, even though they aren't necessarily looking their best at that moment. At the same time, nobody should have to tolerate a partner who doesn't even care to look their best some of the time. And a person who goes into a relationship looking their best most of the time, and comes out looking their worst all of the time, obviously decided not to care anymore.
Any person in a relationship should want to be able to impress their partner with his or her looks every once and a while, or should at least make their best effort at times. Because anything less shows that someone doesn't care anymore.

Unfortunately, the first instinct by people (girls especially) when answering these questions is to slam the guy asking the question for being too judgemental based on his girlfriend's appearance. But if these people answering would just take a second and put themselves in the shoes of the guy who asked, I think their answers would be much different. I'm pretty sure most girls wouldn't like to begin a relationship with a guy whom they found attractive, only to have him let himself go once he was comfortable with the relationship.

Lets also remember that fat is not usually attractive to people. Sure, a little bit isn't a big deal at all, and it shouldn't be. But a beer gut and beyond is not usually attractive to someone who began the relationship with a person who was fit at the time.

In addition, every person has a set of standards that they hold themselves to. Any person entering a relationship is going to be held to the standards they had going in. It will almost always be perceived negatively when those standards drop during the relationship. Whether people know it or not, that set of standards is a large factor in the attraction between two people in a relationship. If one person holds much lower standards, it can be hard for another person with higher standards to respect them.

I know this, because I'm the type of person that values fitness in a partner. It is something that is toward the top of my list of things I am looking for. This particular dilemma stands out to me, because I know that I would be upset if a person I was in a relationship with decided to let themselves to to the point where I no longer found them physically attractive. That would bother me to no end, because I would hold that person to the standards they had coming into the relationship.

To top it all off, the guy who asked the question that I referenced at the beginning of this post also talked about how it bothered him that his girlfriend made no effort to get in shape, even though she knew it bothered him that she wasn't. That right there is the clincher. A person shouldn't have to change their appearance to make someone love them, but at the same time, they shouldn't allow their appearance to degrade from where it was when the relationship began (aside from things that can't be helped such as aging, physical injuries, etc.). Because let's face it, it is totally unfair for a person to accuse another of being too focused on appearance, when the person whose appearance they are focused on has changed dramatically for the worse, and said person wants nothing to do with changing it back. That is just a losing situation for all involved.

I should also point out that I do not want it to seem like I am focusing entirely on women. Men do the exact same thing. (Remember the "beer gut" reference from earlier?) There is, unfortunately a lot of bias here, because many of the similar questions being asked on the Internet are posted by guys, and many of the quick (and bad) responses are being posted by girls. But I will not say that this same thing doesn't happen with guys too. And everything I have said so far applies in those situations too.

In conclusion, there are many things that should be valued above looks in relationships. However, this isn't about looks. It is about the standards that are held by people, and the importance of keeping those standards where they were when the relationship began. Because, when those self-standards are lowered, nothing but trouble can come of it for both people involved. You will be held to your own standards in a relationship, and changing those can have drastic effects on the other person.

Relationships are not about looks. However, there is a fine line between caring about looks, and caring about standards.