It seems lately, my misery has taken a new turn for the worst. While I am usually sad and alone as it is, for some reason, it has become much more intense lately. I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, and why it has suddenly seemed to cut me so deeply. I've had several people tell me that, even though they knew I was sad, they've never seen it quite this intense. And I've had the same feeling myself.
I use this blog to explore other things about the heart, so why not use it to uncover why my sadness has become so much more pointed as of late? I sat down in a peaceful location with my favorite music, and just thought for a while, taking my thoughts down on paper as I went. They might be a bit scattered, or not as orderly as they usually are, but I think they still helped me understand a lot.
For me, searching for love has been like grasping at smoke. It seems possible at first, it soon becomes clear just how impossible it really is. Every time I've had some possibility within my reach, as soon as I reached out to grab it, it would vanish like smoke.
My heart seemed comparable to the pavement on a road. The cracks in that pavement began to appear after the only person I could ever say I might have loved put more pressure on it than it could stand. And since then, they have only grown. The hope that fills them every now and again is like water. At first, it is wonderful to have something filling them, perhaps even believing that it might one day help mend those cracks. But then, that hope dies, and the water freezes, enlarging the cracks. In doing so, that hope leaves my heart more damaged than before. And so, the cycle continues, and every time I am let down, those rifts grow, paining my heart more and more.
It is because of this vicious cycle that my heart seems to be rejecting new hope. Everyone I talk to wants me to keep some kind of hope. But because I've been let down by that same feeling of hope so many times, I always push it away.
The loneliness is damaging in its own right. It is like the sun beating down on that same patch of road. Not particularly bad at first, but over time, it becomes more and more damaging. As I well know, being apart is not a particularly bad thing. But after a while, not being able to find someone can take its toll.
I probably shouldn't speak like I am entirely alone. There are many whom I have talked to that have sympathized with me, and have given me encouragement. I am very thankful for that, and I appreciate every one of them.
However, there are a few things that I've been hearing that tend to bother me a bit. For instance, I always feel a bit hesitant when they tell me that they know how I feel, or that I should trust that things will get better eventually.
When it comes to knowing how I feel, perhaps they do know a similar level of pain or despair. I'm sure things have happened in their lives, which may have had a similar effect. But, when it comes to knowing exactly how I feel, I'm a bit skeptical. Each person I have heard talk about this has come close to finding true love at least once. They have a reason to keep hoping, because even if their previous relationships failed, they can take hope in the fact that there are people out there that will love them.
As for me, I've never been a part of anything resembling a close relationship. Somehow, I find it harder to believe that they know exactly how I feel, when each of their hearts has felt what its like to be loved by another, and mine has not. I have seen no reason to believe that anyone out there is willing to love me that way. And so, I get to the heart of the issue.
The other thing that I always hear as encouragement, is that my family and friends are all I need, and that I should be more thankful and happy because of them. Now don't get me wrong in all of this, I am extremely happy because of my family, and some of my friends. So, on that count, they are right. I'm probably being a bit selfish by not appreciating them, and letting them contribute to my happiness more.
However, I still think I'm right too. I've come to accept the fact that my heart was made to have a connection with another person, one that goes far beyond friends and family. To me, friends and family are two important pieces to the puzzle, but not the only ones. The rest of the world wants me to believe that those are the only pieces necessary to complete the puzzle, while my heart is telling me that there is still one more piece missing, and that piece just might be the most important one.
I can't help but compare my heart to some of the recent weather. It has been cloudy and cold, with a heavy blanket of fog that would not lift. My heart has gone from being more of an average temperature, to being cold, rainy, and blanketed by uncertainty. It reminds me of the change from early to late fall. If only I could find summer.
I even had someone tell me that they thought I should get over it. That person didn't mean it in a bad way, but was just being brutally honest. Who would want to spend time with a person so depressed, let alone fall for them? And I see her point entirely. I've given it a lot of thought though, and come to several of my own conclusions about it.
First of all, in a situation like this, it is rarely as simple as just getting over it. Especially when one is talking about my biggest hopes and dreams. That's right, you heard me. My biggest dream is to find that one person who completes me. It also seems to me that this sadness that I'm experiencing is showing an important part of who I am. I wouldn't be me if I was able to just brush all of this aside like it didn't matter to me, because it does. More than anything. Moreover, I think that my sensitivity regarding this issue is more proof of how much my heart would value a relationship, should I ever find someone. For me, that set of values is what truly sets me apart from a lot of other people.
For me, one of the main hurdles to finding hope, is the state of relationships today. That can be broken into several parts. First off is getting into a relationship. It seems far too complicated for me. Lets face it, getting into a relationship requires someone else to be attracted to you, as well as you to them. Then, you have to be ever so cautious as to not move too fast, or too slow. Your moves all have to be timed just right. And just bringing up the topic to someone you like is difficult enough. I've been told several times that the best way to meet people is to let go of my shyness and just go all out. But I feel like doing that would be the wrong course of action. My shyness is a part of me. Sure, it hampers me at times, but it is an important part of who I am, and it makes those people that I do meet and make friends with all that much more special. Not to mention, doing so would paint a very false picture of who I really am.
Just finding anyone able to love me for who I am is a challenge. Most of those that I've seen with good hearts are already in a relationship. To top it off, that relationship is usually a bad one (though there are plenty of exceptions). Can I really say that a person has a good heart if they are in a bad relationship? I suppose it is possible, but I would expect someone like that to know better, and to be able to see the difference between a person with a good heart, and one with a bad heart. But perhaps that is setting my expectations too high.
And even staying in a relationship can be incredibly tough. I know because I've read about a lot of different relationships lately, and there is usually something that sticks out that would really worry me if it occurred in my relationship. So is it possible to find a happy relationship at all? I would like to believe so, but even if it is possible, would it even be possible to find someone who is able to respect that relationship? I know that nobody is perfect, but sometimes I wonder if there are any people out there who actually value a relationship as highly as I would.
All in all, I feel as though I've been sinking into the depths of my sadness more and more recently. Every day becomes more and more of a challenge to stay positive. I hide my sadness well, but I wonder how long I can continue to do so. I'm always told there is a plan, but I can't help but feel that I may be left out of that plan. Or perhaps it is my destiny to remain alone? Whatever the case, moving forward with a heart that seems to be made to connect with another heart never gets easier. The sadness seems like it is everywhere, always finding ways to seep into my mind. I find things that remind me of my aloneness everywhere.
In the end, I suppose there is some flame of hope left somewhere inside me. But it is burning out very quickly. I'm not really sure what I'll do then. But one thing is certain. My heart, however sad, still guides me.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
Fateful Encounters
I was talking with a friend of mine today, and after trying to cheer me up for a bit, she said something that would spark a bit of a friendly debate between the two of us. She told me to wait and when a girl walked by that made my heart skip a beat, to go and talk to her.
Now, despite how obviously great that sounds, I decided that it wasn't something I could really do. Call me a wuss, or whatever you like, but it just isn't normal. I mean, lets face it... how many people just randomly talk to somebody like that? And I'm not counting bars and other "dating scenes" in this.
Yes, I'll admit. I probably have some deep-rooted self confidence issues that go along with this, including a fear of rejection and awkwardness. However, as the friendly debate continued, my friend mentioned something about how "all love stories begin that way!" To which, I asked: "Which ones?" Frankly, I don't know of a single (famous) love story that began that way. Sure, there might be some out there that I'm missing, but I can't say I remember a single one.
She referenced the love story in the relatively recent movie The Vow, but I have to admit that I remember no such part of the story, even though I did actually see the movie. Obviously, I was even more perplexed at her suggestion because of this. Do people actually meet that way? I was always under the impression that walking up to a completely random person and starting a conversation was a bit... obvious. I mean, what other reason would anybody have for talking to someone out of the blue like that?
Before you jump all over me for saying that, let me elaborate just a bit. As I was discussing this, I was thinking about how what I refer to as "fateful encounters" work. That is simply when two people meet because of a common denominator between the two of them. It can be as simple as two people taking a class together, or someone helping another person pick up something they dropped. Or it can be more complex than that. But in the end, it still involves two people meeting because of a common reason to talk to one another, or perhaps even get to know one another more. And no, for those of you with a dirty mind. This has nothing to do with anything sexual. AT ALL.
This is what I believed to be the most common method of meeting other people. Whether by accident or sheer coincidence, these meetings seem to have the most meaning to people. I guess it just seems to me like walking up to somebody and randomly starting a conversation without any reason other than trying to find someone to be in a relationship with seems a bit obvious, and rather desperate.
I'm not trying to say that I'm not desperate, but I simply refuse to show it. I will not make it obvious by any means, and will not use it as a motivator in any way. So, can you really claim that I'm desperate when it never shows, and I never do anything based upon it? Probably not.
More to the point, I've been convinced for a while that one of the main reasons I am still alone is that I don't seem to have many fateful encounters with people. It is like a curse or something. It just doesn't happen to me. And to me, that is a big issue. Like I mentioned before, I'm not the type to just walk up to somebody and start a conversation for no reason other than thinking the other person is attractive.
Whenever I mention this, I keep thinking about what I know as the "bar scene," which is considered by many as a major place to meet people. And it is kinda funny to me how most people meet others there. That is, by doing just what I just mentioned: walking up to somebody and striking up a conversation for almost no reason at all. For me however, this doesn't count.
As I've mentioned before, I'm not a "bar scene" type. I don't drink at all, and I can't help but believe that many of the people that one would meet at a bar or club would be people who are much more interested in alcohol than myself. Not to mention the fact that their boldness in these situations might be, at least in part, attributed to the alcohol. Like I said, that isn't my thing.
When the conversation I mentioned at the beginning of this post took place, I was at school. It seems like it might be a good place to meet people, if it weren't for the fact that most people there seem rather antisocial. I suppose that could be because they are there to learn, and not to socialize, but that is still a bit depressing. College is definitely a nice place, but that is one thing that I haven't really been able to figure out about it. Are college students only interested in being social at clubs and stuff? Or is there something that I'm missing? Anyways, for those that know me, I'm sure some of you are rolling your eyes and considering telling me that the whole "antisocial" thing is because of where I go to school. And before you do so, just know that I will not listen. As much as you might like to believe that your school is better when it comes to stuff like this, I honestly don't care. Everybody wants to think like that, and I'm not going to debate something so pointless and off-topic like whose school is better. Lets face it, everyone wants to think their school is better than everywhere else, and I don't really want to hear it.
That said, I can't help but believe the antisocial aspect of it all might also be attributed to my overall invisibility. I know I've mentioned this in several of my previous blog posts, but when it comes to standing out of the crowd, I just seem to blend in. It can be both a gift and a curse in that I don't attract people who are in it just for looks. However, it also conceals me from those who are looking for more than that. The unfortunate part here is that, while I might not stand out visually, I know I would stand out if people were looking for someone with a good heart. However, people don't seem to be able to look any deeper than the surface these days, one of the things that really has me feeling more and more hopeless as time goes on.
Back to the whole "fateful encounters" thing, I still believe I am cursed or something. They just don't happen to me. And no matter what some people will say about how I shouldn't be so shy, I still think being more aggressive would paint the wrong picture to somebody else. I'm not the type of person to do something like that, so wouldn't that be a bit... off for me to do it all of a sudden? And it would probably seem that much more desperate as well.
From what I've seen, some of the best friendships and relationships are formed through these fateful encounters, rather than deliberate and forced meetings. To me, these just seem unnatural and forced. I know I would be rather skeptical if anybody walked up to me and randomly started a conversation with me.
In the meantime, I'll do what I always do. That is, sit back and observe as I usually do. And thank you to everyone for listening to this rather unorganized rant of mine.
Now, despite how obviously great that sounds, I decided that it wasn't something I could really do. Call me a wuss, or whatever you like, but it just isn't normal. I mean, lets face it... how many people just randomly talk to somebody like that? And I'm not counting bars and other "dating scenes" in this.
Yes, I'll admit. I probably have some deep-rooted self confidence issues that go along with this, including a fear of rejection and awkwardness. However, as the friendly debate continued, my friend mentioned something about how "all love stories begin that way!" To which, I asked: "Which ones?" Frankly, I don't know of a single (famous) love story that began that way. Sure, there might be some out there that I'm missing, but I can't say I remember a single one.
She referenced the love story in the relatively recent movie The Vow, but I have to admit that I remember no such part of the story, even though I did actually see the movie. Obviously, I was even more perplexed at her suggestion because of this. Do people actually meet that way? I was always under the impression that walking up to a completely random person and starting a conversation was a bit... obvious. I mean, what other reason would anybody have for talking to someone out of the blue like that?
Before you jump all over me for saying that, let me elaborate just a bit. As I was discussing this, I was thinking about how what I refer to as "fateful encounters" work. That is simply when two people meet because of a common denominator between the two of them. It can be as simple as two people taking a class together, or someone helping another person pick up something they dropped. Or it can be more complex than that. But in the end, it still involves two people meeting because of a common reason to talk to one another, or perhaps even get to know one another more. And no, for those of you with a dirty mind. This has nothing to do with anything sexual. AT ALL.
This is what I believed to be the most common method of meeting other people. Whether by accident or sheer coincidence, these meetings seem to have the most meaning to people. I guess it just seems to me like walking up to somebody and randomly starting a conversation without any reason other than trying to find someone to be in a relationship with seems a bit obvious, and rather desperate.
I'm not trying to say that I'm not desperate, but I simply refuse to show it. I will not make it obvious by any means, and will not use it as a motivator in any way. So, can you really claim that I'm desperate when it never shows, and I never do anything based upon it? Probably not.
More to the point, I've been convinced for a while that one of the main reasons I am still alone is that I don't seem to have many fateful encounters with people. It is like a curse or something. It just doesn't happen to me. And to me, that is a big issue. Like I mentioned before, I'm not the type to just walk up to somebody and start a conversation for no reason other than thinking the other person is attractive.
Whenever I mention this, I keep thinking about what I know as the "bar scene," which is considered by many as a major place to meet people. And it is kinda funny to me how most people meet others there. That is, by doing just what I just mentioned: walking up to somebody and striking up a conversation for almost no reason at all. For me however, this doesn't count.
As I've mentioned before, I'm not a "bar scene" type. I don't drink at all, and I can't help but believe that many of the people that one would meet at a bar or club would be people who are much more interested in alcohol than myself. Not to mention the fact that their boldness in these situations might be, at least in part, attributed to the alcohol. Like I said, that isn't my thing.
When the conversation I mentioned at the beginning of this post took place, I was at school. It seems like it might be a good place to meet people, if it weren't for the fact that most people there seem rather antisocial. I suppose that could be because they are there to learn, and not to socialize, but that is still a bit depressing. College is definitely a nice place, but that is one thing that I haven't really been able to figure out about it. Are college students only interested in being social at clubs and stuff? Or is there something that I'm missing? Anyways, for those that know me, I'm sure some of you are rolling your eyes and considering telling me that the whole "antisocial" thing is because of where I go to school. And before you do so, just know that I will not listen. As much as you might like to believe that your school is better when it comes to stuff like this, I honestly don't care. Everybody wants to think like that, and I'm not going to debate something so pointless and off-topic like whose school is better. Lets face it, everyone wants to think their school is better than everywhere else, and I don't really want to hear it.
That said, I can't help but believe the antisocial aspect of it all might also be attributed to my overall invisibility. I know I've mentioned this in several of my previous blog posts, but when it comes to standing out of the crowd, I just seem to blend in. It can be both a gift and a curse in that I don't attract people who are in it just for looks. However, it also conceals me from those who are looking for more than that. The unfortunate part here is that, while I might not stand out visually, I know I would stand out if people were looking for someone with a good heart. However, people don't seem to be able to look any deeper than the surface these days, one of the things that really has me feeling more and more hopeless as time goes on.
Back to the whole "fateful encounters" thing, I still believe I am cursed or something. They just don't happen to me. And no matter what some people will say about how I shouldn't be so shy, I still think being more aggressive would paint the wrong picture to somebody else. I'm not the type of person to do something like that, so wouldn't that be a bit... off for me to do it all of a sudden? And it would probably seem that much more desperate as well.
From what I've seen, some of the best friendships and relationships are formed through these fateful encounters, rather than deliberate and forced meetings. To me, these just seem unnatural and forced. I know I would be rather skeptical if anybody walked up to me and randomly started a conversation with me.
In the meantime, I'll do what I always do. That is, sit back and observe as I usually do. And thank you to everyone for listening to this rather unorganized rant of mine.
Monday, September 17, 2012
The Fine Line
I originally planned to have this post out much earlier, however due to repeatedly being called into work and being assigned extra schoolwork, I have been unable to get this post out sooner. I hope anyone reading it enjoys it anyways.
So, just the other day, I was talking with a friend of mine. She was searching through a popular questions site, and had come across an interesting query. In it, the asker had said that the girl he is currently in a relationship with had grown fat. When the two had first met, she had been in excellent shape, and had been committed to staying in shape. But she had seemingly grown less interested in staying in shape as the relationship had gone on, and had consequentially gained a lot of weight. The guy went on to say that he no longer found her physically attractive because of this. He had mentioned it to her several times, trying his best to keep for actually calling her fat, but even talking hadn't really worked. She would tell him how much she wanted to be in shape, but would never commit to doing anything to actually get back in shape. She would brush off his efforts to get her to go on a run, or go to the gym with him. The poor guy was confused and had no idea what to do, and was just looking for some help. He felt bad about wanting to break up with her just for her looks, but couldn't dismiss the fact that he no longer found her attractive.
This story reminded me of a post on Facebook that I saw a long time ago. It was a picture taken from another questions site that contained an interaction of a similar type, only shorter. In it, the guy asking the question simply stated that his girlfriend had become fat, and he wasn't sure what to do about it.
The biggest thing that stood out to me about this was the first (and highest rated) answer. It said something to the degree of: "She should go and find a guy who isn't such a jack***."
Like many of my other posts similar to this one, the response listed above seems like a reasonable one. That is, until you actually take a second to think about it.
This particular situation is far more common in relationships than most people realize. It probably has an official name, but I can't think of it, and I'm not going to look it up. For now, I'll just call it the "settled syndrome." (And my apologies if that is an actual syndrome that I'm stealing the name from.) It all begins when a person is single. When that person is out looking for a relationship, they hold their looks in the highest regard, because lets face it... looks do tend to attract attention. And those who have good looks are more likely to find other people interested in a relationship. However, once they do end up finding a relationship, they begin to think about their looks less and less as the relationship goes on. Essentially, they get comfortable in the relationship, to the point where they no longer care about how they look, and as a result, their physical appearance ends up changing over time in a negative way.
Now, lets look at the obvious part of this. Someone who truly loves another person won't care that much about looks. It is something I have been preaching since the start of this blog, and I will continue to do so for as long as I continue to write. The heart tells you that looks shouldn't matter.
But lets face it, looks still play a part in relationships. I know it, because thinking forward, I would want the person I'm in a relationship with to be attractive to me. Now, I don't mean that the person has to be really physically attractive for this to occur. You see, the first girl I could probably say I loved didn't stand out physically. But as I grew more attached to her, my heart made her incredibly beautiful in my eyes. The same is true in most relationships. You don't have to be the best looking person in the world, but if someone truly loves you, they will pick out the things that attract them to you, and bring those features to the forefront in their mind and heart.
The trouble comes when those things change. When a person stops caring about his or her looks, often times, those small things that the other person once thought made them attractive tend to fade as well. And once that happens, it can be difficult for even the kindest and most loving hearts to recover.
While looks shouldn't be the biggest factor in a relationship, they are still an important one. As I said before, a person shouldn't have to be really great looking to have a good relationship. However, once they enter a relationship, they should want to maintain the looks they had going into the relationship. A person who stops caring about being attractive to their partner has already let the relationship go out the window.
To simplify, a person in a relationship shouldn't have to look their best all the time, because their partner should be able to accept this and should even be able to pick out the things that make them beautiful, even though they aren't necessarily looking their best at that moment. At the same time, nobody should have to tolerate a partner who doesn't even care to look their best some of the time. And a person who goes into a relationship looking their best most of the time, and comes out looking their worst all of the time, obviously decided not to care anymore.
Any person in a relationship should want to be able to impress their partner with his or her looks every once and a while, or should at least make their best effort at times. Because anything less shows that someone doesn't care anymore.
Unfortunately, the first instinct by people (girls especially) when answering these questions is to slam the guy asking the question for being too judgemental based on his girlfriend's appearance. But if these people answering would just take a second and put themselves in the shoes of the guy who asked, I think their answers would be much different. I'm pretty sure most girls wouldn't like to begin a relationship with a guy whom they found attractive, only to have him let himself go once he was comfortable with the relationship.
Lets also remember that fat is not usually attractive to people. Sure, a little bit isn't a big deal at all, and it shouldn't be. But a beer gut and beyond is not usually attractive to someone who began the relationship with a person who was fit at the time.
In addition, every person has a set of standards that they hold themselves to. Any person entering a relationship is going to be held to the standards they had going in. It will almost always be perceived negatively when those standards drop during the relationship. Whether people know it or not, that set of standards is a large factor in the attraction between two people in a relationship. If one person holds much lower standards, it can be hard for another person with higher standards to respect them.
I know this, because I'm the type of person that values fitness in a partner. It is something that is toward the top of my list of things I am looking for. This particular dilemma stands out to me, because I know that I would be upset if a person I was in a relationship with decided to let themselves to to the point where I no longer found them physically attractive. That would bother me to no end, because I would hold that person to the standards they had coming into the relationship.
To top it all off, the guy who asked the question that I referenced at the beginning of this post also talked about how it bothered him that his girlfriend made no effort to get in shape, even though she knew it bothered him that she wasn't. That right there is the clincher. A person shouldn't have to change their appearance to make someone love them, but at the same time, they shouldn't allow their appearance to degrade from where it was when the relationship began (aside from things that can't be helped such as aging, physical injuries, etc.). Because let's face it, it is totally unfair for a person to accuse another of being too focused on appearance, when the person whose appearance they are focused on has changed dramatically for the worse, and said person wants nothing to do with changing it back. That is just a losing situation for all involved.
I should also point out that I do not want it to seem like I am focusing entirely on women. Men do the exact same thing. (Remember the "beer gut" reference from earlier?) There is, unfortunately a lot of bias here, because many of the similar questions being asked on the Internet are posted by guys, and many of the quick (and bad) responses are being posted by girls. But I will not say that this same thing doesn't happen with guys too. And everything I have said so far applies in those situations too.
In conclusion, there are many things that should be valued above looks in relationships. However, this isn't about looks. It is about the standards that are held by people, and the importance of keeping those standards where they were when the relationship began. Because, when those self-standards are lowered, nothing but trouble can come of it for both people involved. You will be held to your own standards in a relationship, and changing those can have drastic effects on the other person.
Relationships are not about looks. However, there is a fine line between caring about looks, and caring about standards.
So, just the other day, I was talking with a friend of mine. She was searching through a popular questions site, and had come across an interesting query. In it, the asker had said that the girl he is currently in a relationship with had grown fat. When the two had first met, she had been in excellent shape, and had been committed to staying in shape. But she had seemingly grown less interested in staying in shape as the relationship had gone on, and had consequentially gained a lot of weight. The guy went on to say that he no longer found her physically attractive because of this. He had mentioned it to her several times, trying his best to keep for actually calling her fat, but even talking hadn't really worked. She would tell him how much she wanted to be in shape, but would never commit to doing anything to actually get back in shape. She would brush off his efforts to get her to go on a run, or go to the gym with him. The poor guy was confused and had no idea what to do, and was just looking for some help. He felt bad about wanting to break up with her just for her looks, but couldn't dismiss the fact that he no longer found her attractive.
This story reminded me of a post on Facebook that I saw a long time ago. It was a picture taken from another questions site that contained an interaction of a similar type, only shorter. In it, the guy asking the question simply stated that his girlfriend had become fat, and he wasn't sure what to do about it.
The biggest thing that stood out to me about this was the first (and highest rated) answer. It said something to the degree of: "She should go and find a guy who isn't such a jack***."
Like many of my other posts similar to this one, the response listed above seems like a reasonable one. That is, until you actually take a second to think about it.
This particular situation is far more common in relationships than most people realize. It probably has an official name, but I can't think of it, and I'm not going to look it up. For now, I'll just call it the "settled syndrome." (And my apologies if that is an actual syndrome that I'm stealing the name from.) It all begins when a person is single. When that person is out looking for a relationship, they hold their looks in the highest regard, because lets face it... looks do tend to attract attention. And those who have good looks are more likely to find other people interested in a relationship. However, once they do end up finding a relationship, they begin to think about their looks less and less as the relationship goes on. Essentially, they get comfortable in the relationship, to the point where they no longer care about how they look, and as a result, their physical appearance ends up changing over time in a negative way.
Now, lets look at the obvious part of this. Someone who truly loves another person won't care that much about looks. It is something I have been preaching since the start of this blog, and I will continue to do so for as long as I continue to write. The heart tells you that looks shouldn't matter.
But lets face it, looks still play a part in relationships. I know it, because thinking forward, I would want the person I'm in a relationship with to be attractive to me. Now, I don't mean that the person has to be really physically attractive for this to occur. You see, the first girl I could probably say I loved didn't stand out physically. But as I grew more attached to her, my heart made her incredibly beautiful in my eyes. The same is true in most relationships. You don't have to be the best looking person in the world, but if someone truly loves you, they will pick out the things that attract them to you, and bring those features to the forefront in their mind and heart.
The trouble comes when those things change. When a person stops caring about his or her looks, often times, those small things that the other person once thought made them attractive tend to fade as well. And once that happens, it can be difficult for even the kindest and most loving hearts to recover.
While looks shouldn't be the biggest factor in a relationship, they are still an important one. As I said before, a person shouldn't have to be really great looking to have a good relationship. However, once they enter a relationship, they should want to maintain the looks they had going into the relationship. A person who stops caring about being attractive to their partner has already let the relationship go out the window.
To simplify, a person in a relationship shouldn't have to look their best all the time, because their partner should be able to accept this and should even be able to pick out the things that make them beautiful, even though they aren't necessarily looking their best at that moment. At the same time, nobody should have to tolerate a partner who doesn't even care to look their best some of the time. And a person who goes into a relationship looking their best most of the time, and comes out looking their worst all of the time, obviously decided not to care anymore.
Any person in a relationship should want to be able to impress their partner with his or her looks every once and a while, or should at least make their best effort at times. Because anything less shows that someone doesn't care anymore.
Unfortunately, the first instinct by people (girls especially) when answering these questions is to slam the guy asking the question for being too judgemental based on his girlfriend's appearance. But if these people answering would just take a second and put themselves in the shoes of the guy who asked, I think their answers would be much different. I'm pretty sure most girls wouldn't like to begin a relationship with a guy whom they found attractive, only to have him let himself go once he was comfortable with the relationship.
Lets also remember that fat is not usually attractive to people. Sure, a little bit isn't a big deal at all, and it shouldn't be. But a beer gut and beyond is not usually attractive to someone who began the relationship with a person who was fit at the time.
In addition, every person has a set of standards that they hold themselves to. Any person entering a relationship is going to be held to the standards they had going in. It will almost always be perceived negatively when those standards drop during the relationship. Whether people know it or not, that set of standards is a large factor in the attraction between two people in a relationship. If one person holds much lower standards, it can be hard for another person with higher standards to respect them.
I know this, because I'm the type of person that values fitness in a partner. It is something that is toward the top of my list of things I am looking for. This particular dilemma stands out to me, because I know that I would be upset if a person I was in a relationship with decided to let themselves to to the point where I no longer found them physically attractive. That would bother me to no end, because I would hold that person to the standards they had coming into the relationship.
To top it all off, the guy who asked the question that I referenced at the beginning of this post also talked about how it bothered him that his girlfriend made no effort to get in shape, even though she knew it bothered him that she wasn't. That right there is the clincher. A person shouldn't have to change their appearance to make someone love them, but at the same time, they shouldn't allow their appearance to degrade from where it was when the relationship began (aside from things that can't be helped such as aging, physical injuries, etc.). Because let's face it, it is totally unfair for a person to accuse another of being too focused on appearance, when the person whose appearance they are focused on has changed dramatically for the worse, and said person wants nothing to do with changing it back. That is just a losing situation for all involved.
I should also point out that I do not want it to seem like I am focusing entirely on women. Men do the exact same thing. (Remember the "beer gut" reference from earlier?) There is, unfortunately a lot of bias here, because many of the similar questions being asked on the Internet are posted by guys, and many of the quick (and bad) responses are being posted by girls. But I will not say that this same thing doesn't happen with guys too. And everything I have said so far applies in those situations too.
In conclusion, there are many things that should be valued above looks in relationships. However, this isn't about looks. It is about the standards that are held by people, and the importance of keeping those standards where they were when the relationship began. Because, when those self-standards are lowered, nothing but trouble can come of it for both people involved. You will be held to your own standards in a relationship, and changing those can have drastic effects on the other person.
Relationships are not about looks. However, there is a fine line between caring about looks, and caring about standards.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Hidden Gems
I had just gotten home tonight, and had logged onto Facebook, when I noticed an interesting post. A girl I know distantly had posted a picture of a small piece of paper one of her co-workers had written to her. It read "My friend in the red shirt thinks you are attractive. He is shy. Call him maybe?" Then, it listed his name and number. Now, aside from the obvious (and rather cheesy) "Call me maybe" reference, this is a rather cute surprise. One that I would die to have happen to me. Of course, that stuff never does... Anyways, enough about me. What could anyone possibly find wrong with this?
Leave it to jerks on Facebook to come up with the answer. Shortly after the picture was posted, a guy posted what seemed like a reasonable and intriguing answer. He said: "Boo. If a guy wants you in his world, he will make it happen. It took his friend to leave the number. No brainer. No call."
Seems like a pretty reasonable answer doesn't it? Well, it only seems this way to those who don't understand what shyness is, and how it factors into situations like these. You see, while this statement makes sense at first, you have to take it into context to really see where it goes wrong. As usual, I'll break it down for you.
First of all, since when did this become about a guy wanting a girl in his world? Last I checked, this was more about a potential future relationship, not an instant one. Besides, since when does a phone call make her "in his world?" This whole statement is hypocritical from the get-go. (Not to mention the "Boo" part.) Lets face it. This is probably a poor guy who, like me, isn't fond of throwing himself at girls. He is probably just wishing some girl would have a good enough heart to give him a chance. Unfortunately, thanks to this jerk's post (and the "like" it was given by the girl the note was written to), he will probably be shunned yet again. Overall, it is extremely unfair to talk about how a guy will make things happen if he wants a girl in his world, because that is a statement best applied to those already in a relationship. Not to mention its applications to girls who are in love with a guy who gives them nothing in return. To take such a statement, and use it to talk about how a girl shouldn't give a guy a chance is extremely stupid and arrogant.
Second, the "It took his friend to leave the number" part. Where to begin here... This, to me, just sounds like an insult. It is an insult directed at this shy fellow, who probably didn't even ask for this to happen in the first place. Anyone who has been around their friends for long enough knows how this goes. You mention to one of them that you think somebody is cute. Then, they try to use every excuse to embarrass you. It is all in good fun, and they are usually hoping that the two end up together because of their antics. So, more than likely, this guy had no control over the situation. Yes, there is the possibility that he asked his friends to do this, but even I can sympathize with him in that situation. Sure, it isn't the most "manly" thing to do, but it is nothing to be ashamed of either. Not every guy likes to go around everywhere shoving his number in attractive girls' faces like it's nothing. For some, pursuit of a girl is a unique and rare experience. One that takes time and interest to warm up to. And in those cases, the guy is much less likely to walk up and use some cheesy pick-up lines, then dump his number on a girl. How romantic is that? Not very. While the secretive message isn't much better, it still has an air of mystery and intrigue to it. So c'mon... give the guy some credit.
Third, whats with the "No brainer" thing? As if being an aggressive jerk is the only way to play things in (or before) a relationship? C'mon... since when are all guys supposed to be the same? Ok, not all guys who give out their number to girls are aggressive jerks, but some of them are. So what's wrong with being different? Why can't someone step outside the norm every now and again? It certainly keeps things interesting. While most of this was probably orchestrated by this guy's friends, you can still give him some credit for playing things differently. Most importantly, not being the guy who jumps at appearances and decides to put everything on the line for a girl he only knows at a glance. Kinda puts the whole "If he wants her in his life" quote from earlier in perspective and makes it sound foolish huh?
Fourth and finally, the "No call" bit. Frankly, this is the worst part of this whole thing. The posting loser thinks that, because of the nonsense he spewed earlier in the post, that he has somehow proved a point, and that the girl shouldn't even give this guy a chance. Remember, SHE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT HIM, save for the fact that he is shy. What exactly does that prove? Does being shy make him a bad person that deserves to be avoided? Hell no. It just makes him DIFFERENT. So what the poster is implying is that, despite the fact that she knows nothing about this guy, other than the fact that he is shy, she should ignore him because he didn't bring his number to her in person. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that the guy is perfect because he is shy. Shyness doesn't necessarily mean that he'll be a great person deep down. But it can hide gems sometimes. And the person that doesn't take a look to find out could be the one missing out on the find of a lifetime.
Okay, I might have overdone it this time. But I couldn't help but feel a deep-seated anger after reading that post, and seeing the girl agree with such worthless relationship advice. How can anyone advocate for missing out on a potential gem? Thanks to that post, my appetite has been lost for the entire evening. I hope that the jerk who posted that advice is happy. Someone he has never met lost his dinner over how dumb his post was. And to the girl that decided to take (or at least "like") his advice, I weep for you too. Following the advice of fools like this will most likely have you in a relationship with an overly assertive type of guy. I'm not saying that such a trait is bad, but it can be in some situations. Especially since guys who are confident enough to hand you their number in person have likely done the same thing with a large number of other women. How does THAT make you feel? And finally, my heart goes out to the poor guy who was rejected because some jerk painted him as a loser because he was shy. Nothing is wrong with being shy. It is a personality trait that I admire, because any time that shyness is broken is a gift to the person who broke it. It makes a person that much more special to the ones who are willing to look past the shy exterior, and to the heart within.
In addition, to all of the readers out there... If you ever get relationship advice like this, don't forget to check with your heart first. The best advice anyone can give is to just be yourself, whether your heart is worn on your sleeve, or locked away for someone special to find.
Leave it to jerks on Facebook to come up with the answer. Shortly after the picture was posted, a guy posted what seemed like a reasonable and intriguing answer. He said: "Boo. If a guy wants you in his world, he will make it happen. It took his friend to leave the number. No brainer. No call."
Seems like a pretty reasonable answer doesn't it? Well, it only seems this way to those who don't understand what shyness is, and how it factors into situations like these. You see, while this statement makes sense at first, you have to take it into context to really see where it goes wrong. As usual, I'll break it down for you.
First of all, since when did this become about a guy wanting a girl in his world? Last I checked, this was more about a potential future relationship, not an instant one. Besides, since when does a phone call make her "in his world?" This whole statement is hypocritical from the get-go. (Not to mention the "Boo" part.) Lets face it. This is probably a poor guy who, like me, isn't fond of throwing himself at girls. He is probably just wishing some girl would have a good enough heart to give him a chance. Unfortunately, thanks to this jerk's post (and the "like" it was given by the girl the note was written to), he will probably be shunned yet again. Overall, it is extremely unfair to talk about how a guy will make things happen if he wants a girl in his world, because that is a statement best applied to those already in a relationship. Not to mention its applications to girls who are in love with a guy who gives them nothing in return. To take such a statement, and use it to talk about how a girl shouldn't give a guy a chance is extremely stupid and arrogant.
Second, the "It took his friend to leave the number" part. Where to begin here... This, to me, just sounds like an insult. It is an insult directed at this shy fellow, who probably didn't even ask for this to happen in the first place. Anyone who has been around their friends for long enough knows how this goes. You mention to one of them that you think somebody is cute. Then, they try to use every excuse to embarrass you. It is all in good fun, and they are usually hoping that the two end up together because of their antics. So, more than likely, this guy had no control over the situation. Yes, there is the possibility that he asked his friends to do this, but even I can sympathize with him in that situation. Sure, it isn't the most "manly" thing to do, but it is nothing to be ashamed of either. Not every guy likes to go around everywhere shoving his number in attractive girls' faces like it's nothing. For some, pursuit of a girl is a unique and rare experience. One that takes time and interest to warm up to. And in those cases, the guy is much less likely to walk up and use some cheesy pick-up lines, then dump his number on a girl. How romantic is that? Not very. While the secretive message isn't much better, it still has an air of mystery and intrigue to it. So c'mon... give the guy some credit.
Third, whats with the "No brainer" thing? As if being an aggressive jerk is the only way to play things in (or before) a relationship? C'mon... since when are all guys supposed to be the same? Ok, not all guys who give out their number to girls are aggressive jerks, but some of them are. So what's wrong with being different? Why can't someone step outside the norm every now and again? It certainly keeps things interesting. While most of this was probably orchestrated by this guy's friends, you can still give him some credit for playing things differently. Most importantly, not being the guy who jumps at appearances and decides to put everything on the line for a girl he only knows at a glance. Kinda puts the whole "If he wants her in his life" quote from earlier in perspective and makes it sound foolish huh?
Fourth and finally, the "No call" bit. Frankly, this is the worst part of this whole thing. The posting loser thinks that, because of the nonsense he spewed earlier in the post, that he has somehow proved a point, and that the girl shouldn't even give this guy a chance. Remember, SHE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT HIM, save for the fact that he is shy. What exactly does that prove? Does being shy make him a bad person that deserves to be avoided? Hell no. It just makes him DIFFERENT. So what the poster is implying is that, despite the fact that she knows nothing about this guy, other than the fact that he is shy, she should ignore him because he didn't bring his number to her in person. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that the guy is perfect because he is shy. Shyness doesn't necessarily mean that he'll be a great person deep down. But it can hide gems sometimes. And the person that doesn't take a look to find out could be the one missing out on the find of a lifetime.
Okay, I might have overdone it this time. But I couldn't help but feel a deep-seated anger after reading that post, and seeing the girl agree with such worthless relationship advice. How can anyone advocate for missing out on a potential gem? Thanks to that post, my appetite has been lost for the entire evening. I hope that the jerk who posted that advice is happy. Someone he has never met lost his dinner over how dumb his post was. And to the girl that decided to take (or at least "like") his advice, I weep for you too. Following the advice of fools like this will most likely have you in a relationship with an overly assertive type of guy. I'm not saying that such a trait is bad, but it can be in some situations. Especially since guys who are confident enough to hand you their number in person have likely done the same thing with a large number of other women. How does THAT make you feel? And finally, my heart goes out to the poor guy who was rejected because some jerk painted him as a loser because he was shy. Nothing is wrong with being shy. It is a personality trait that I admire, because any time that shyness is broken is a gift to the person who broke it. It makes a person that much more special to the ones who are willing to look past the shy exterior, and to the heart within.
In addition, to all of the readers out there... If you ever get relationship advice like this, don't forget to check with your heart first. The best advice anyone can give is to just be yourself, whether your heart is worn on your sleeve, or locked away for someone special to find.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Where I Stand
I'm not even going to mention how long it's been since I last posted. Since I do that every time, I'm just going to skip it and pretend like I posted just yesterday.
Since last time, I have fallen even more behind in my search for that one thing that could make me whole. Love seemingly isn't supposed to be a part of my life, or so it seems. So perhaps, that feeling of hopelessness is finally getting to me. It seems I've struck out one too many times when it comes to finding someone willing to love me for who I am, and who I can love the same way. It just seems sometimes like love just doesn't operate that way any more. It is always about looks and catchy personalities, but never about what matters most.
I won't say I didn't try. Sure, I didn't chase every girl I met; but the few I did chase weren't capable of loving me for me. And it tears me apart to think about. Just the other day, I saw an article on a new website entitled: "Why you're still single." Obviously curious, I opened it, but was very disappointed with the content. It only told me things I've known for a long time; Things that I know I've addressed. After I closed it, I was left with that empty feeling inside.
And it isn't like I didn't try to do things the normal way. I asked several girls on dates, only to be disappointed every time. Whether it was through rejection, or through the sad details of the aftermath of otherwise good dates, I just seem to be let down every time. Just the other day, I heard a girl I work with talking about how she doesn't do the dating scene. She said that it just wasn't for her. Perhaps I'm the same way. Maybe the dating scene just isn't for me. I've always tried to avoid getting sucked in by it. To me, it has never really seemed real. And these recent experiences only seem to back that up.
Even back when I was in love with that girl in high school, I was still the same way. I avoided the dating scene like the plague. Even then, it just didn't seem real enough. It was the reason I decided not to ask her out. If I was going to ask her out, I wanted the feeling to be mutual, not something I would have to attempt to produce. Besides, the pressure of having to impress someone seems like too much for me. If I was going to have someone fall for me, I would want it to be for who I am naturally, not because I was allowing myself to be overaggressive. And even with me taking my time, I think I probably always come across as too aggressive anyway.
So if the dating scene isn't for me, than where do I belong?
A friend of mine recently recommended online dating. I had been thinking about that for a while, and I have always been slightly unsure. While it seems like a good idea at first, there are several concerns that I would have with it.
First, I would have to pay to get into any good dating site. Now, I know the response to this. There are plenty of free sites out there. But from what I've seen, most of those sites are crap, for the same reason that I would consider them: They are free. That in itself promotes a large number of inactive and spammer accounts. A majority of the accounts that exist on those sites are probably inactive, and most of the remaining accounts are probably spammers. Not to mention the number of actually genuine accounts that are probably set up just to browse the market, not to actually be serious about finding someone. So I would have to sort through all of that nonsense just to begin my search. Now, I'm not trying to be a penny-pincher or anything. And what I'm saying here about having to pay to get on a good site might come across as such. After all, most people are all in favor of sparing no expense when it comes to love. However, it just doesn't seem quite right to me, having to pay money just to have a hope of meeting someone. Not to mention, 10-15 dollars per month adds up pretty quickly. Despite all of that, if I was to date online, it would have to be through a site that I trust.
Second, I have concerns about many of the people that use online dating in general. I have read into online dating, and there are a couple of things in particular that stand out about the people that use it. The main thing is that many of them are expecting to find someone who is perfect from head to toe, inside and out. Now, if I know anything about this world, it is that nobody is perfect. That includes me. However, I can safely assume that looks make up a large portion of that "perfection" that they're seeking. Those types of unrealistic expectations could really kill any hope of actually finding someone. I mean, people who have the looks usually don't have to try and find someone anyway. So, those people who are using online dating to try and find other who have the bods of gods probably need a bit of a reality check.
Finally, I'm concerned that it might turn out to be no different from the normal dating scene. If that is the case, then all of it would be just a waste of time. After all, that is what I would be trying to avoid.
Despite all of my concerns, I am still on the fence. To try it or not? Maybe I will, once I get an ounce of confidence back.
Aside from the slight bit of hope that I put into the online dating thing, I have to say, most of the hope that I once carried has been stripped away. I might be finally coming to accept the fact that I might never find what I'm looking for. Sure, it would be tragic, but we don't live in a fairytale, where everyone except the bad guys get a happy ending. This is real life, and perhaps not everyone is destined for that happy ending we all long for. That goes especially for someone like me.
In the meantime, I'll continue to do what I've pledged to do. And that is, to help other people as much as I can. Even if it means hiding behind fake smiles and mock happiness.
Since last time, I have fallen even more behind in my search for that one thing that could make me whole. Love seemingly isn't supposed to be a part of my life, or so it seems. So perhaps, that feeling of hopelessness is finally getting to me. It seems I've struck out one too many times when it comes to finding someone willing to love me for who I am, and who I can love the same way. It just seems sometimes like love just doesn't operate that way any more. It is always about looks and catchy personalities, but never about what matters most.
I won't say I didn't try. Sure, I didn't chase every girl I met; but the few I did chase weren't capable of loving me for me. And it tears me apart to think about. Just the other day, I saw an article on a new website entitled: "Why you're still single." Obviously curious, I opened it, but was very disappointed with the content. It only told me things I've known for a long time; Things that I know I've addressed. After I closed it, I was left with that empty feeling inside.
And it isn't like I didn't try to do things the normal way. I asked several girls on dates, only to be disappointed every time. Whether it was through rejection, or through the sad details of the aftermath of otherwise good dates, I just seem to be let down every time. Just the other day, I heard a girl I work with talking about how she doesn't do the dating scene. She said that it just wasn't for her. Perhaps I'm the same way. Maybe the dating scene just isn't for me. I've always tried to avoid getting sucked in by it. To me, it has never really seemed real. And these recent experiences only seem to back that up.
Even back when I was in love with that girl in high school, I was still the same way. I avoided the dating scene like the plague. Even then, it just didn't seem real enough. It was the reason I decided not to ask her out. If I was going to ask her out, I wanted the feeling to be mutual, not something I would have to attempt to produce. Besides, the pressure of having to impress someone seems like too much for me. If I was going to have someone fall for me, I would want it to be for who I am naturally, not because I was allowing myself to be overaggressive. And even with me taking my time, I think I probably always come across as too aggressive anyway.
So if the dating scene isn't for me, than where do I belong?
A friend of mine recently recommended online dating. I had been thinking about that for a while, and I have always been slightly unsure. While it seems like a good idea at first, there are several concerns that I would have with it.
First, I would have to pay to get into any good dating site. Now, I know the response to this. There are plenty of free sites out there. But from what I've seen, most of those sites are crap, for the same reason that I would consider them: They are free. That in itself promotes a large number of inactive and spammer accounts. A majority of the accounts that exist on those sites are probably inactive, and most of the remaining accounts are probably spammers. Not to mention the number of actually genuine accounts that are probably set up just to browse the market, not to actually be serious about finding someone. So I would have to sort through all of that nonsense just to begin my search. Now, I'm not trying to be a penny-pincher or anything. And what I'm saying here about having to pay to get on a good site might come across as such. After all, most people are all in favor of sparing no expense when it comes to love. However, it just doesn't seem quite right to me, having to pay money just to have a hope of meeting someone. Not to mention, 10-15 dollars per month adds up pretty quickly. Despite all of that, if I was to date online, it would have to be through a site that I trust.
Second, I have concerns about many of the people that use online dating in general. I have read into online dating, and there are a couple of things in particular that stand out about the people that use it. The main thing is that many of them are expecting to find someone who is perfect from head to toe, inside and out. Now, if I know anything about this world, it is that nobody is perfect. That includes me. However, I can safely assume that looks make up a large portion of that "perfection" that they're seeking. Those types of unrealistic expectations could really kill any hope of actually finding someone. I mean, people who have the looks usually don't have to try and find someone anyway. So, those people who are using online dating to try and find other who have the bods of gods probably need a bit of a reality check.
Finally, I'm concerned that it might turn out to be no different from the normal dating scene. If that is the case, then all of it would be just a waste of time. After all, that is what I would be trying to avoid.
Despite all of my concerns, I am still on the fence. To try it or not? Maybe I will, once I get an ounce of confidence back.
Aside from the slight bit of hope that I put into the online dating thing, I have to say, most of the hope that I once carried has been stripped away. I might be finally coming to accept the fact that I might never find what I'm looking for. Sure, it would be tragic, but we don't live in a fairytale, where everyone except the bad guys get a happy ending. This is real life, and perhaps not everyone is destined for that happy ending we all long for. That goes especially for someone like me.
In the meantime, I'll continue to do what I've pledged to do. And that is, to help other people as much as I can. Even if it means hiding behind fake smiles and mock happiness.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Back to the Blog
I do realize it has been some time. The blog has been untouched for some time, mostly because of the fact that I have had little to write about. Perhaps that isn't entirely true. I've had many things to write about, but some things are difficult to even put into words. Aside from that, I've been working on other writing projects.
However, there are some things that shouldn't go unsaid. I have found myself drawn back to writing for this blog. Especially in light of recent events that have really caused me to question people in general, and of course, love.
As usual, I find myself on the losing end of the great thing that we all call love. Failed attempts, betrayals, and the like can cause one's newfound hope to fade quickly. While I shouldn't go into detail, I once again find my hope fading. It seems like everyone else, girls especially, are all the same.
There have been several different things that have gotten to me lately. As I mentioned before, I won't go into extreme detail, as that would only cause problems. However, the first of these is difficult to explain. I've found someone whom others claim would be a perfect match for me. I believe I've mentioned it in previous posts. Anyways, from the little I know of her, she seems like a good person. The problem is, I feel absolutely neutral toward her. I know I should probably be falling for her, but my heart seems to be incredibly opposed to that.
I have some ideas about why, and they have to do with personality. I have discovered that I value a person's ability to be a bit spontaneous, perhaps more than I realized. It would keep things fresh and interesting. Perhaps that, and several other things are holding me back from discovering feelings for her. Either way, it crosses my mind all the time.
The second thing that has been getting me lately is the feeling of betrayal. It is the most recent development in a series of events that had first given me hope, then destroyed it. I won't go into any more detail than the fact that I now know, without a doubt, that there are people out there who can be quite dangerous. Despite the fact that I would never believe what other people said about her constantly, she proved it all right. Not to mention, lying to me about it in the process.
Hence, the feeling of betrayal. Alongside the feeling of desertion, betrayal is one of the worst feelings ever. I keep telling myself that I'm probably overreacting, but I can't shake the feeling that there is something more to what is going on. And while I'm fighting the loss of hope with all I've got, it continues to slip away as I continue to realize just how hopeless my situation actually is.
And, to make matters worse, another person that I used to have feelings for has re-entered my life, but under the strangest of circumstances. She randomly contacted me again, after several months of total silence between us. Implying she had something to talk to me about, she baited me into telling her a lot more that I should have. Even after that, she still won't tell me what she initially wanted to say. Even though I already know what she is hiding, and understand why she is hiding it, I can't help but feel played yet again. In response, I plan to push whatever is left of her out of my heart. Something I know how to do only too well. And this time, I have no doubt it is the best thing to do.
Anyways, enough of my rambling randomly about my problems. The biggest part of a problem is the solution. I've been contemplating doing something I had previously considered off-limits. Not because I believed it was bad, but because I wasn't sure I trusted it. I won't reveal what it is until I've come closer to a decision on whether or not it would really be a valuable tool in my search for someone who is genuinely different.
Either way, I need to find some source of hope soon. In all of my searching for someone different, I have only ever found one person with a heart like that. And even then, that situation is more complicated than any of the others I've mentioned. Though perhaps, she is more of a hope to me than anyone else.
With all of this, I've found a lot of solace in my hobbies, such as writing this blog. I will not allow myself to stop making myself a better person just because some others just don't care.
However, there are some things that shouldn't go unsaid. I have found myself drawn back to writing for this blog. Especially in light of recent events that have really caused me to question people in general, and of course, love.
As usual, I find myself on the losing end of the great thing that we all call love. Failed attempts, betrayals, and the like can cause one's newfound hope to fade quickly. While I shouldn't go into detail, I once again find my hope fading. It seems like everyone else, girls especially, are all the same.
There have been several different things that have gotten to me lately. As I mentioned before, I won't go into extreme detail, as that would only cause problems. However, the first of these is difficult to explain. I've found someone whom others claim would be a perfect match for me. I believe I've mentioned it in previous posts. Anyways, from the little I know of her, she seems like a good person. The problem is, I feel absolutely neutral toward her. I know I should probably be falling for her, but my heart seems to be incredibly opposed to that.
I have some ideas about why, and they have to do with personality. I have discovered that I value a person's ability to be a bit spontaneous, perhaps more than I realized. It would keep things fresh and interesting. Perhaps that, and several other things are holding me back from discovering feelings for her. Either way, it crosses my mind all the time.
The second thing that has been getting me lately is the feeling of betrayal. It is the most recent development in a series of events that had first given me hope, then destroyed it. I won't go into any more detail than the fact that I now know, without a doubt, that there are people out there who can be quite dangerous. Despite the fact that I would never believe what other people said about her constantly, she proved it all right. Not to mention, lying to me about it in the process.
Hence, the feeling of betrayal. Alongside the feeling of desertion, betrayal is one of the worst feelings ever. I keep telling myself that I'm probably overreacting, but I can't shake the feeling that there is something more to what is going on. And while I'm fighting the loss of hope with all I've got, it continues to slip away as I continue to realize just how hopeless my situation actually is.
And, to make matters worse, another person that I used to have feelings for has re-entered my life, but under the strangest of circumstances. She randomly contacted me again, after several months of total silence between us. Implying she had something to talk to me about, she baited me into telling her a lot more that I should have. Even after that, she still won't tell me what she initially wanted to say. Even though I already know what she is hiding, and understand why she is hiding it, I can't help but feel played yet again. In response, I plan to push whatever is left of her out of my heart. Something I know how to do only too well. And this time, I have no doubt it is the best thing to do.
Anyways, enough of my rambling randomly about my problems. The biggest part of a problem is the solution. I've been contemplating doing something I had previously considered off-limits. Not because I believed it was bad, but because I wasn't sure I trusted it. I won't reveal what it is until I've come closer to a decision on whether or not it would really be a valuable tool in my search for someone who is genuinely different.
Either way, I need to find some source of hope soon. In all of my searching for someone different, I have only ever found one person with a heart like that. And even then, that situation is more complicated than any of the others I've mentioned. Though perhaps, she is more of a hope to me than anyone else.
With all of this, I've found a lot of solace in my hobbies, such as writing this blog. I will not allow myself to stop making myself a better person just because some others just don't care.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
The Grass is Always Greener...
It seems that lately, a lot of the people whom I had known through high school and elsewhere, have begun leaving for faraway places like Florida and California. Of course, any person's first response is something to the degree of: "Who wouldn't want to move there?"
Anyways, I found it odd that I was a bit hurt by it. Some of these people I have known pretty well, so the disappointment in seeing them leave felt natural. But others, whom I didn't know very well, still invoked a similar response. It made me wonder... why do I feel like that?
I knew that I would encounter feelings like this after I left high school, but not about people I barely knew. I suppose it stems from that fact that I feel sorry to see them leave their home here. The other part seems to come from what might be jealousy at them for having an adventure while I'm still stuck at home.
Before I go any further with this, I should use a disclaimer here to inform everyone reading this that: I'm not missing that fact that everyone need to find a place in this world where they truly belong. I won't ever forget that, even though I might have already found mine, and it happened that it wasn't far from home.
With that said, the real story here can be found in the locations. I mean, c'mon... Florida? California? Obviously these places are being targeted because they are what I like to refer to as "greener" places. Everyone wants to live in either Florida or California at some point in their lives. There's a lot to love. The climate. The people. The lifestyle in general. So why shouldn't someone go there if they have the opportunity?
Now, I'm not necessarily saying that they shouldn't go. I'm just saying that the value of home and family shouldn't be undervalued. EVER. Everyone has ties to the place they are born and raised. No matter how much they dislike aspects of their lives prior to leaving, there is always something that they will dislike about where they go, and something about where they left that will call to them at some point. I'm not saying people shouldn't move to new places and explore new opportunities. I'm just saying that it should be a choice that is carefully thought through before being made. It shouldn't be something that is done on a whim, like what I have seen so many times.
There are plenty of reasons for this. I already mentioned that to most decent people, there are certain ties to the place where they grew up that exist, helping to keep them from leaving. These will obviously pull back at some point, and that is never good for a person's overall happiness.
There is also the issue of lifestyles. Everyone wants to engage in a new lifestyle at some point. The problem with moving to a new place far away that boasts the type of "party lifestyle" that Florida and California do, is that it grows old over time. If a person was meant for a lifestyle like that, they would have entered that lifestyle a long time ago. Not to mention, that fact that these lifestyles are often overblown. Both states that I mentioned have repuatations for being laid-back and easy when it comes to lifestyles. Add that to the party mentality that so many there have, and you have what many people see as the perfect lifestyle. But it is all way overblown.
The main problem is money. Much of what these lifestyles comprise of costs money. And that money still has to be earned somehow. That means the laid-back lifestyle... suddenly doesn't work so well. Also, for those who have gone away to these places to attend college, student debt is often a major factor. I'm not saying that money is everything; just that these lifestyles often cost a lot of money.
When it comes the the climate, there are often setbacks as well. Sure, Florida is nice because it is warm. But have these people ever endured a summer there? I've heard temperatures can average in the mid-90's, and will often go up to 105-110. Thats just what I've heard anyway. And you can't forget about the constant hurricanes. And California? While it has a much more mild climate, I don't think that does much the help the earthquake threat. I'm not going to say that these places don't have some wonderful advantages to their climates. What I am saying, is that one must also consider the disadvantages that the climates and locations have as well. These are things that are often overlooked.
In light of all that, I should also point out that, there are some people who really end up liking it where they go to. One of my friends that did this exact thing really seems to have found his place and really enjoys life there, even while working.
In the end, there are good things, and there are bad things about just about every place. Hopefully, some people start to realize that before they leave a place that does have everything they are looking for.
Anyways, I found it odd that I was a bit hurt by it. Some of these people I have known pretty well, so the disappointment in seeing them leave felt natural. But others, whom I didn't know very well, still invoked a similar response. It made me wonder... why do I feel like that?
I knew that I would encounter feelings like this after I left high school, but not about people I barely knew. I suppose it stems from that fact that I feel sorry to see them leave their home here. The other part seems to come from what might be jealousy at them for having an adventure while I'm still stuck at home.
Before I go any further with this, I should use a disclaimer here to inform everyone reading this that: I'm not missing that fact that everyone need to find a place in this world where they truly belong. I won't ever forget that, even though I might have already found mine, and it happened that it wasn't far from home.
With that said, the real story here can be found in the locations. I mean, c'mon... Florida? California? Obviously these places are being targeted because they are what I like to refer to as "greener" places. Everyone wants to live in either Florida or California at some point in their lives. There's a lot to love. The climate. The people. The lifestyle in general. So why shouldn't someone go there if they have the opportunity?
Now, I'm not necessarily saying that they shouldn't go. I'm just saying that the value of home and family shouldn't be undervalued. EVER. Everyone has ties to the place they are born and raised. No matter how much they dislike aspects of their lives prior to leaving, there is always something that they will dislike about where they go, and something about where they left that will call to them at some point. I'm not saying people shouldn't move to new places and explore new opportunities. I'm just saying that it should be a choice that is carefully thought through before being made. It shouldn't be something that is done on a whim, like what I have seen so many times.
There are plenty of reasons for this. I already mentioned that to most decent people, there are certain ties to the place where they grew up that exist, helping to keep them from leaving. These will obviously pull back at some point, and that is never good for a person's overall happiness.
There is also the issue of lifestyles. Everyone wants to engage in a new lifestyle at some point. The problem with moving to a new place far away that boasts the type of "party lifestyle" that Florida and California do, is that it grows old over time. If a person was meant for a lifestyle like that, they would have entered that lifestyle a long time ago. Not to mention, that fact that these lifestyles are often overblown. Both states that I mentioned have repuatations for being laid-back and easy when it comes to lifestyles. Add that to the party mentality that so many there have, and you have what many people see as the perfect lifestyle. But it is all way overblown.
The main problem is money. Much of what these lifestyles comprise of costs money. And that money still has to be earned somehow. That means the laid-back lifestyle... suddenly doesn't work so well. Also, for those who have gone away to these places to attend college, student debt is often a major factor. I'm not saying that money is everything; just that these lifestyles often cost a lot of money.
When it comes the the climate, there are often setbacks as well. Sure, Florida is nice because it is warm. But have these people ever endured a summer there? I've heard temperatures can average in the mid-90's, and will often go up to 105-110. Thats just what I've heard anyway. And you can't forget about the constant hurricanes. And California? While it has a much more mild climate, I don't think that does much the help the earthquake threat. I'm not going to say that these places don't have some wonderful advantages to their climates. What I am saying, is that one must also consider the disadvantages that the climates and locations have as well. These are things that are often overlooked.
In light of all that, I should also point out that, there are some people who really end up liking it where they go to. One of my friends that did this exact thing really seems to have found his place and really enjoys life there, even while working.
In the end, there are good things, and there are bad things about just about every place. Hopefully, some people start to realize that before they leave a place that does have everything they are looking for.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Famous Flings & Failures
No, I'm not going to jump on the celebrity gossip train and talk about all the famous people in relationships right now. Quite frankly, none of it interests me.
In case you can't tell, I'm not one to heap a whole lot of praise on celebrities. In fact, I usually do just the opposite. I am not fond of famous people. And not because of jealousy. I would be perfectly fine with a celebrity out there who had some kind of common sense. Unfortunately, those types are extremely difficult to find.
Even for a person who typically avoids celebrity gossip and Ryan Seacrest, since his only purpose in life is to spread such gossip, I get bombarded by the stuff like everyone else. It is in the regular news headlines, and all over cyberspace. I apologize for adding to this crap, but trust me, I'm gonna make something out of it.
The only reason I'm writing about celebrities at all is to show people exactly why all of this drama unfolds in the world of the rich and famous. Much of it is due to the fact that people tend to change for the worse when they become famous. If you don't believe me, just read the biographies of a few celebs on Wikipedia and see what turns up. Fame destroys people. Plain and simple. There are a few rare exceptions (ex: Tim Tebow), but for the most part, fame is one of the greatest enemies a person can face. Fame is power. And power corrupts. Not to mention that it inflates a person's own self-image to the point where it is almost impossible for them to believe they aren't all-important.
Yes, I have a negative opinion of fame. And yet I have that secret urge, like many others, to become famous. Just what I would do with that fame is uncertain. I would hope that I could follow my heart as I always have and beat one of the greatest temptations in the history of mankind. But hey, I'll cover that more when I get there....
I'm sure everyone reading this is wondering... What does this have to do with relationships?
Well, I'm sure we've all heard the latest news in celebrity relationships. Katy Perry and Russel Brand are toast. Funny thing is, I saw that one coming from over a year away. Yup. I knew as soon as they got together that they would end. I'm not gonna sit here and call myself a psychic or anything, so don't think I'm trying to credit myself with anything here. Just about anyone can step up and say that they successfully predicted the downfall of a famous relationship.
The fact of the matter is, celebrities have the odds stacked against them when it comes to relationships. I'll give them that much. They basically have two options:
1: Go after someone famous.
2: Test the waters with unfamous people.
The first of which is almost always a terrible option. Obviously, this one depends on the people involved, but just about all celebrities tend to have pretty big egos. Putting together two people who both think they are ultimately important is never a good idea. But besides that, celebrities are constantly off doing things to make themselves more famous. That doesn't exactly amount to a whole lot of time being spent together. And aside from that, most celebrities also have a huge fan pool to chose from if they decide to go after someone else. And when you're famous, I'm sure the temptation is pretty high.
But unfamous people are hardly a good choice either. When you're famous, I'm sure it is really difficult to tell if anyone who lines up to date you is actually genuine, or whether they just want to be with you because well... you're famous. And besides that, a person unused to media attention might have a bit of a problem adjusting. So it isn't usually fair to either person.
The problem is, most celebrities choose the first option. And even more to that point, there is both a huge amount of diversity there, and at the same time, barely any at all. Sure, most celebs are hardly ordinary (picture Lady GaGa), but perhaps this is the problem. After all, extreme personalities usually never mesh well.
But an even bigger problem originates from the fact that many celebrities seem to enter relationships simply for publicity. These are the types of see-through relationships that really give love a bad name. Anyone remember Kim Kardashian? Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. I don't think this one needs any further explanation.
The biggest thing I'm trying to prove here is that, no matter what the media says, celebrity relationships are hardly realistic in any way. And yet, they are some of the most marketed news in the world.
Back to Katy Perry, she is one of the prime examples of a celebrity who is dead to what love truly is. My evidence of this comes from a concert she did just before entering her relationship with that brute Brand. She did a concert for her former high school. And during the performance, she called out a particular guy she supposedly had a crush on during her time in school. She essentially told him: "You sure made the right choice by not choosing me." What's the problem with a little old-school celeb revenge on the jerk that ignored her? Well, for starters, she obviously didn't do her research. The guy fell in love with and married his high-school sweetheart. I can't even bring myself to imagine why someone would choose fame over something as magical as an ending like that. And aside from that, just the fact that Katy seems to think that her fame suddenly makes her irresistible to guys like that is just absurd. I know I would choose the happy ending over fame in a heartbeat.
C'mon. A guy like Brand? That's her idea of a good relationship? Now, I don't know Russel personally, so I probably shouldn't pass judgement. But you get the idea.
I already went over much of this in a previous post, in which I slammed the whole "Journey debacle," in which one of Journey's band members engaged in an elaborate affair that left me sick every time I hear their song "Faithfully." This is the kind of stuff I'm talking about in celebrity relationships. And it is the kind of thing I'm sick of.
Now, earlier, I painted a picture of celebrities being stuck in a near-impossible situation when it comes to who to love. However, there is another way. As I've been preaching all along, perhaps what you're looking for is right beside you. Most people who are famous, weren't always that way. And celebrities, unless they REALLY let fame go to their heads, typically have a close group of friends that they still maintain contact with. These are the people you can trust.
In case you can't tell, I'm not one to heap a whole lot of praise on celebrities. In fact, I usually do just the opposite. I am not fond of famous people. And not because of jealousy. I would be perfectly fine with a celebrity out there who had some kind of common sense. Unfortunately, those types are extremely difficult to find.
Even for a person who typically avoids celebrity gossip and Ryan Seacrest, since his only purpose in life is to spread such gossip, I get bombarded by the stuff like everyone else. It is in the regular news headlines, and all over cyberspace. I apologize for adding to this crap, but trust me, I'm gonna make something out of it.
The only reason I'm writing about celebrities at all is to show people exactly why all of this drama unfolds in the world of the rich and famous. Much of it is due to the fact that people tend to change for the worse when they become famous. If you don't believe me, just read the biographies of a few celebs on Wikipedia and see what turns up. Fame destroys people. Plain and simple. There are a few rare exceptions (ex: Tim Tebow), but for the most part, fame is one of the greatest enemies a person can face. Fame is power. And power corrupts. Not to mention that it inflates a person's own self-image to the point where it is almost impossible for them to believe they aren't all-important.
Yes, I have a negative opinion of fame. And yet I have that secret urge, like many others, to become famous. Just what I would do with that fame is uncertain. I would hope that I could follow my heart as I always have and beat one of the greatest temptations in the history of mankind. But hey, I'll cover that more when I get there....
I'm sure everyone reading this is wondering... What does this have to do with relationships?
Well, I'm sure we've all heard the latest news in celebrity relationships. Katy Perry and Russel Brand are toast. Funny thing is, I saw that one coming from over a year away. Yup. I knew as soon as they got together that they would end. I'm not gonna sit here and call myself a psychic or anything, so don't think I'm trying to credit myself with anything here. Just about anyone can step up and say that they successfully predicted the downfall of a famous relationship.
The fact of the matter is, celebrities have the odds stacked against them when it comes to relationships. I'll give them that much. They basically have two options:
1: Go after someone famous.
2: Test the waters with unfamous people.
The first of which is almost always a terrible option. Obviously, this one depends on the people involved, but just about all celebrities tend to have pretty big egos. Putting together two people who both think they are ultimately important is never a good idea. But besides that, celebrities are constantly off doing things to make themselves more famous. That doesn't exactly amount to a whole lot of time being spent together. And aside from that, most celebrities also have a huge fan pool to chose from if they decide to go after someone else. And when you're famous, I'm sure the temptation is pretty high.
But unfamous people are hardly a good choice either. When you're famous, I'm sure it is really difficult to tell if anyone who lines up to date you is actually genuine, or whether they just want to be with you because well... you're famous. And besides that, a person unused to media attention might have a bit of a problem adjusting. So it isn't usually fair to either person.
The problem is, most celebrities choose the first option. And even more to that point, there is both a huge amount of diversity there, and at the same time, barely any at all. Sure, most celebs are hardly ordinary (picture Lady GaGa), but perhaps this is the problem. After all, extreme personalities usually never mesh well.
But an even bigger problem originates from the fact that many celebrities seem to enter relationships simply for publicity. These are the types of see-through relationships that really give love a bad name. Anyone remember Kim Kardashian? Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. I don't think this one needs any further explanation.
The biggest thing I'm trying to prove here is that, no matter what the media says, celebrity relationships are hardly realistic in any way. And yet, they are some of the most marketed news in the world.
Back to Katy Perry, she is one of the prime examples of a celebrity who is dead to what love truly is. My evidence of this comes from a concert she did just before entering her relationship with that brute Brand. She did a concert for her former high school. And during the performance, she called out a particular guy she supposedly had a crush on during her time in school. She essentially told him: "You sure made the right choice by not choosing me." What's the problem with a little old-school celeb revenge on the jerk that ignored her? Well, for starters, she obviously didn't do her research. The guy fell in love with and married his high-school sweetheart. I can't even bring myself to imagine why someone would choose fame over something as magical as an ending like that. And aside from that, just the fact that Katy seems to think that her fame suddenly makes her irresistible to guys like that is just absurd. I know I would choose the happy ending over fame in a heartbeat.
C'mon. A guy like Brand? That's her idea of a good relationship? Now, I don't know Russel personally, so I probably shouldn't pass judgement. But you get the idea.
I already went over much of this in a previous post, in which I slammed the whole "Journey debacle," in which one of Journey's band members engaged in an elaborate affair that left me sick every time I hear their song "Faithfully." This is the kind of stuff I'm talking about in celebrity relationships. And it is the kind of thing I'm sick of.
Now, earlier, I painted a picture of celebrities being stuck in a near-impossible situation when it comes to who to love. However, there is another way. As I've been preaching all along, perhaps what you're looking for is right beside you. Most people who are famous, weren't always that way. And celebrities, unless they REALLY let fame go to their heads, typically have a close group of friends that they still maintain contact with. These are the people you can trust.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
New Years Resolutions
Yes, it has been several days since New Years. Has everyone kept their resolutions so far?
Anyways, I made a few resolutions myself. I'm not going to share all of them, but there was one in particular that I was tested on right away.
Before I get into any of that, it is important for me to clear my beliefs when it comes to New Years resolutions. I definitely believe in making resolutions, though they shouldn't be forced. I don't write my resolutions out, and I don't plan them months ahead of time. I just think about things I could do better on over the next year. So, needless to say, I'm not exactly the most serious person when it comes to resolutions. But I'm not the type of person that thinks I have nothing that can be improved either.
With that said, one of my resolutions really stood out above the rest. I told myself that I needed to be much more straightforward with people.
That does seem a bit general, but anyone who talks with me on a consistent basis probably knows more specifically what I'm referring to. When a conversation turns toward secrets, or perhaps, something that has a risk of being offensive to one or both people involved, I have a tendency to become quite cryptic. This means that I begin to give very vague and coded answers to questions that people often want a direct answer to. Now, I'm not going to eliminate doing this entirely. I actually enjoy my ability to make people think for themselves. However, last year gave me a few opportunities to see places where it might have been better to give a more direct answer, and then back it up the way I do here on the blog.
Little did I expect this particular resolution to be tested so early.
In reality, the situation set itself up several days before I even made the resolution. I had sent a bulk text message to everyone on my contacts list (which actually created several awkward situations) wishing them a merry Christmas. A girl whom I have not talked to for some time responded. She is one of the girls whom I have mentioned in several previous posts, all from a while ago. She appeared in my blog previously as one of the girls who was helping me to lose faith in relationships and love in general. I had previously coached her in finding a true relationship, as she had found herself abandoned by her boyfriend, who had lost interest in her. From what I could gather about him, he was a jerk, and I simply gave her instructions on how to look deeper. But as mentioned before, all the advice I gave her seemed to fly right over her head, and she ended up falling for another guy based on nothing but a Facebook photo.
If you've read some of my previous posts, you probably know now which girl I'm referring to. Ironic as it may sound, those events were actually the inspiration for this resolution. I failed to give her my true opinion about how love based on a photo is just a quick path to heartbreak. Instead, I made my answers cryptic and it turns out, she never figured them out. By the time I told her about her mistake straight-up, she had already gone and made the mistake of pursuing this "love by photo."
After that, I had the idea for this resolution. It seems only fitting that she should be the one to put it to the test.
Anyways, I haven't talked to her in a long time. She went away to school and, as far as I can tell, went and got her old boyfriend back (the one who "got bored with her"), and is now living life exactly the way she told me she didn't want to. In light of all that, I really didn't want to talk to her anyways, as she seems to want to make all the wrong decisions, despite what I've tried to tell her.
This sudden text message changed all that. Suddenly, she was talking to me again. And like before, she was asking for advice on all of her problems. Just a day after New Years, I asked her if she was doing any better.
The tale that followed that question is one that I should probably keep to myself, as I'm not one to spill other people's secrets on the Internet. However, it involved her hanging out with some of her boyfriends pals, and them doing some not-so-acceptable things to her.
She continued on about how her boyfriend wasn't doing much about it, and how he didn't seem to care about it as much as she thought he should. Anyone else see what's coming?
Remembering my resolution, I told her exactly how I saw things. And I'll sum things up, because I did go on a bit of a rant. But what I said basically amounted to:
"With a guy like that, you're gonna get that kind of stuff. He's a bad person. Have you ever stopped to ask yourself WHY you love him? Sure, love does not always need a reason but... you're missing a whole half of the equation. That is, the part where he loves you back. There are people out there that would be willing to love you with every ounce of their being. And you're missing that. Sure, they are few and far between, but they're worth searching for. And trust me, you'll never find that kind of deeper love with him."
I never received a response.
Either way, I was proud of my ability, instead of getting all cryptic like I usually do, to stand up and tell it like it is. Despite the fact that she never answered me, and we haven't spoken since, I know I made her really think. And that is what mattered in the end.
So for those of you who know me, be cautious about what questions you ask me, unless you want the straight-up truth.
Anyways, I made a few resolutions myself. I'm not going to share all of them, but there was one in particular that I was tested on right away.
Before I get into any of that, it is important for me to clear my beliefs when it comes to New Years resolutions. I definitely believe in making resolutions, though they shouldn't be forced. I don't write my resolutions out, and I don't plan them months ahead of time. I just think about things I could do better on over the next year. So, needless to say, I'm not exactly the most serious person when it comes to resolutions. But I'm not the type of person that thinks I have nothing that can be improved either.
With that said, one of my resolutions really stood out above the rest. I told myself that I needed to be much more straightforward with people.
That does seem a bit general, but anyone who talks with me on a consistent basis probably knows more specifically what I'm referring to. When a conversation turns toward secrets, or perhaps, something that has a risk of being offensive to one or both people involved, I have a tendency to become quite cryptic. This means that I begin to give very vague and coded answers to questions that people often want a direct answer to. Now, I'm not going to eliminate doing this entirely. I actually enjoy my ability to make people think for themselves. However, last year gave me a few opportunities to see places where it might have been better to give a more direct answer, and then back it up the way I do here on the blog.
Little did I expect this particular resolution to be tested so early.
In reality, the situation set itself up several days before I even made the resolution. I had sent a bulk text message to everyone on my contacts list (which actually created several awkward situations) wishing them a merry Christmas. A girl whom I have not talked to for some time responded. She is one of the girls whom I have mentioned in several previous posts, all from a while ago. She appeared in my blog previously as one of the girls who was helping me to lose faith in relationships and love in general. I had previously coached her in finding a true relationship, as she had found herself abandoned by her boyfriend, who had lost interest in her. From what I could gather about him, he was a jerk, and I simply gave her instructions on how to look deeper. But as mentioned before, all the advice I gave her seemed to fly right over her head, and she ended up falling for another guy based on nothing but a Facebook photo.
If you've read some of my previous posts, you probably know now which girl I'm referring to. Ironic as it may sound, those events were actually the inspiration for this resolution. I failed to give her my true opinion about how love based on a photo is just a quick path to heartbreak. Instead, I made my answers cryptic and it turns out, she never figured them out. By the time I told her about her mistake straight-up, she had already gone and made the mistake of pursuing this "love by photo."
After that, I had the idea for this resolution. It seems only fitting that she should be the one to put it to the test.
Anyways, I haven't talked to her in a long time. She went away to school and, as far as I can tell, went and got her old boyfriend back (the one who "got bored with her"), and is now living life exactly the way she told me she didn't want to. In light of all that, I really didn't want to talk to her anyways, as she seems to want to make all the wrong decisions, despite what I've tried to tell her.
This sudden text message changed all that. Suddenly, she was talking to me again. And like before, she was asking for advice on all of her problems. Just a day after New Years, I asked her if she was doing any better.
The tale that followed that question is one that I should probably keep to myself, as I'm not one to spill other people's secrets on the Internet. However, it involved her hanging out with some of her boyfriends pals, and them doing some not-so-acceptable things to her.
She continued on about how her boyfriend wasn't doing much about it, and how he didn't seem to care about it as much as she thought he should. Anyone else see what's coming?
Remembering my resolution, I told her exactly how I saw things. And I'll sum things up, because I did go on a bit of a rant. But what I said basically amounted to:
"With a guy like that, you're gonna get that kind of stuff. He's a bad person. Have you ever stopped to ask yourself WHY you love him? Sure, love does not always need a reason but... you're missing a whole half of the equation. That is, the part where he loves you back. There are people out there that would be willing to love you with every ounce of their being. And you're missing that. Sure, they are few and far between, but they're worth searching for. And trust me, you'll never find that kind of deeper love with him."
I never received a response.
Either way, I was proud of my ability, instead of getting all cryptic like I usually do, to stand up and tell it like it is. Despite the fact that she never answered me, and we haven't spoken since, I know I made her really think. And that is what mattered in the end.
So for those of you who know me, be cautious about what questions you ask me, unless you want the straight-up truth.
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